At The Beach

The scene opens inside the Lamb and Flag. All the mercenaries are sat at different tables as Dick stands in front of the bar, tapping the wood and checking his watch with a sour look on his face. Will coughs and Brick lets out a squeaky fart. Sal turns to him and headbutts him, knocking him out instantly. Tavi and Wolf sit there, patiently, until Wolf coughs and punches the table

Wolf: I don’t understand why we’re waiting?!?!?!?!

Octopus: Wolf..Calm..We need to get every mercenary in! DIdn’t you two used to be such good friends?

The door flies open and Phil and Steve finally walk in. Phil looks absolutely pissed

Phil: WHY DOESN'T THE WORLD JUST DIE?!

Octopus: ...O..k

The whole bar turns to face him

Phil: Walking into an alley, I managed to find some unpicked dead bodies. Gold chains, watches. Everything was fine, going good,..until YOU!

Phil points at Steve

Phil: You decide to run around twirling that noise-tube in happiness. And that gets Snake onto us!!

Steve: Hey! I didn't know he was there!

Phil: THE BARREL HAD LEGS!!!

Steve: It might have been a walking barrel?

Phil: Steve..why is it everytime I get to know you, I keep on thinking the only reason you have a head is to keep rain out of your neck?

Steve shrugs

Phil: So, once Steve had vanished down an early and Snake had choked me enough. I noticed the rat Patrol standing over me

Phil spits out a tooth

Phil: Akiba and Meryl may be easy to get away, but when it comes to Ed and Jonathon..well.. Two bulking brickhouses don't take the words 'Fuck off' lightly..After they'd beaten me and taken the watches off the bodies, I finally managed to try and loot one..Now, is a body supposed to stand, and are you supposed to feel a hazy mind?

Steve: Ye--

Phil: NO! Because it turns out Psycho Mantis' spirit was floating around the area. he thought it would be nice to play a joke...so, after an hour of doing the funky chicken with my head wobbling, Psycho Mantis decided to make me forget the lyrics of Blue Bayeux before buggering off with the bodies! All I want is a nice, cool beer........Why are you all organized?

Dick: Ermm..mate..we've all organized a trip to the beach..

Phils eyes scan the room

Phil: Really Dick?.......

Dick: Yes, we're all going to the beach! Will, Steve, Brick, Jimmy, Billy, Jon, Johan, Big Bad Bobby, Maurice, Moe, Laughing octopus, Crying Wolf--

Phil: I’ll pass.

Frank: I like how he thinks he has a choice!

Phil screams

Phil: YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS!!WITH!!! HER!! THE TRAITOR!!

Frank: Do it or you’re fired.

He cries out helplessly and collapses backwards

Will: Poor guy.

==

As everyone starts to set up their places on the beach, Sal, Brick, Vince and Jon put down sunloungers as Phil and Vince lay down red towels next to eachother. Phil lays on his blanket and puts his arms behind his head

Phil: Well, i'll be fine after a beer..

He leans up and puts a hand on the cooler, but Vince slaps his hand off

Vince: Phil..

Phil: Can’t I get drunk? Frank always gets drunk!

Vince points to Frank, who is lying unconscious clutching a bottle of beer, his skin slowly getting red

Vince: The main difference is that he will be as red as a lobster

Wolf walks in front of Phil and steps backwards to reveal a polka-dot bikini

Phil: ITSY-BITSY TEENY-WEENY YELLOW POLKA DOT BIKINI!!!!!!!!!!

Wolf: Yup!

She gives a small grin and Phil collapses. Will leans over from his blanket and looks up at her

Will: Do you know why he always does that?

Wolf shrugs and Will waves it off, taking off his shirt to reveal a hairy chest

Will: Ahhh..

Tavi walks by, wearing a red bikini and carrying a towel in her arms. She lays out the towel next to Wolf and sits down

Tavi: Wow..Wolf..looking good sunshine!

Wolf: You too!

Will grabs his suntan lotion and starts to apply it vigorously to himself

Will: Ahhhh..Relaxation and primping..

Sal: All of which scream ‘Prick’

Will sits up and starts hitting Sal with the bottle repeatedly. Sal screams and jumps up, only for Will to put on his sunglasses and lay back

Will: Now be a good boy..

Sal: You’re a git!

Will: I know.

Frank lays down a blanket near Vince and sets down a beer cooler, grinning to himself and rubbing his heads

Frank: Drinking! My favourite past-time!

Dick Head walks onto the beach and sets down a flannel picnic cloth, sitting on it. Obese Maurice and Moe The Midget climb out of their Humvee which they have parked at the sands edge and climb out, walking to the picnic cloth and sitting down

Dick: You brought the stuff, Maurice?

Maurice puts down a wicker basket the size of a computer desk

Dick: Sweeet! You got the chicken?

Maurice: BBQ, original and honey!

Dick: OH MAM!

Billy and Steve stand up, walking towards an ice-cream vendor situated near them

Billy: Two vanillas my good man!

Vendor: Certainly!

Frank watches as they get served and sits on the edge of his sunlounger, rubbing suncream onto his arms

Frank: Always nice to have a day out..

He feels hands rubbing his back and closes his eyes

Frank: Mm..thats good..Hang--What the--

He turns around to see Screaming Mantis behind him, rubbing lotion into his back

Mantis: Do yours if you’ll do mine?

Frank: hehe..for sure!

Wolf leans up and listens, scooting over to Tavi who’s laying on her stomach. She squirts some cream into her hand and starts rubbing it into her back

Tavi: Mmm..ooo..

Wolf: Do yours if you’ll do mine?

Tavi: Mmm..sure..keep going...mm..Oo..

Her tail starts flicking and it hits Phil in the face. Phil shoots up and looks around

phil: Huh..wha--Control that thing!

Tavi turns her head and looks at him

Tavi: Hmmm...No.

Her tail slaps him in the face and Phil gets in a fighting position

Phil: OH! ITS AWN!

The tail slinks around him and slaps him in the back. He screams and starts twitching

Tavi: Sunburn: Mans greatest enemy

phil: MY BACK!!

Phil: OH GOD!! OWW!! OWWWW!!

He shoots forward and flies into the sea, laying down on the waves and sighing as a huge amount of steam goes up

Tavi: PHIL!!! WAVE!!

He looks back at her, confused, but raises his hand slightly. She waves frantically and points behind him

Tavi: NO!! PHIL!! BIG WAVE!!

Phil turns and screams as a huge wave crashes down on him and sweeps him up to the beachfront, right to Wolfs feet

Wolf: Mm..we should go for a dip!

Dick: The sea washed up a Phil, do we open and check the message?

Maurice: No, but is it bad luck? Do we toss it back?

Jon watches Mantis roll onto her stomach on Franks lounger, undoing her bikini top. He quickly grabs his blanket and runs over, placing it down and laying between Vince and Sal

Jon: Hi guys!

Vince: Hey! Jon! Hows things?

Jon nods to Frank. Vince leans up slightly and screams, rolling onto his stomach with his head in his arms

Vince: I SAW SIDEBOOB! I SAW SIDEBOOB!

Sal points at him and laughs, pouring at a small cup of tea from his flask and smelling it

Sal: Ahh...Earl Grey..the king of teas..

Brick sits on Vinces blanket and hands him his vanilla icecream. He stops sobbing and takes it, licking it with a disturbed look on his face

Brick: Sal...we’re at the beach! Cut the silver-spooned crap and act normal!

Sal: Ok then.

Will lays back, smothering himself with something. Sal leans up slightly and looks at him

SaL: Uhhh..Will?

Will: Yes, my ugly friend?

Sal: Why are you putting mayonnaise on yourself?

Will looks at him

Will: Its suntan lotion

Sal leans over and looks at the bottle, patting Wills back

Sal: Enjoy your improved recipe, better taste suntan lotion..

Will: WHAT?!

Will stares at the bottle and smells his arm. He retches and screams, running across the beach and divebombing into the water. Sal grins and lays back

Sal: My job..is done

Brick leans over and hi-5s Sal

Brick: The dude still has it!

Both point at eachother

Both: OWWWWWW!!!

Johan and Big Bad Bobby throw the beachball up and Johan catches it

Johan: GO LONG BOBBY!

Bobby runs as Johan throws it, bouncing off Bob and into Bobbys hands

Bobby: Nice deflection Bob!

Bob looks up, half-asleep

Bob: Uhh..yeah, deflection, yeah

Octopus sits up in her sun lounger

Octopus: You guys wanna play piggy in the middle?

Johan: YES!!

Octopus jumps up and runs between Bobby and Johan. Bobby throws the ball in an arch and it lands in Johans hands. Johan throws it with such force it shoots past Octopus and Bobby and crashes through the vendors counter, hitting him in the crotch. Hois eyes nearly pop out and he screams, collapsing in a heap. Billy stands there, staring at the hole

Billy: I..think that’s 100 points for Johan!

Steve slowly walks over and looks at the vendor

Steve: Oh my! Are you ok?!

The vendor screams and lashes out in violent pain

Billy: Ah think he’s done lads!

The vendor starts crying blood, twitching more violently. Billy and Steve slowly step back

Steve: Should we call an ambulance?

Billy grabs the ball and throws it to Bobby, Bobby catches it and Billy and Steve slowly step back

Billy: If the police want us..it was the huge-ass Hispanic!

Steve: Well, they can’t miss him!

Johan: Uhh..Oops.

Octopus laughs loudly and inhumanly. Silence. She eventually stops and breathes heavily, slapping her knees

Octopus: You’re good!

Johan; Thanks. Crazy lady.

Frank and Mantis have unfurled a 6-foot tall windbreaker and erected it in the sands around Franks sunlounger. Mantis walks in.

Jimmy: Whats the deal, Frank? There’s hardly any wind..

Frank: Uhh..yeah. Wind.

He rushes in and fastens it. A bikini set flies over the top and onto Jimmys lap. He sits there, shaking and shoves it off, wrapping his arms around his knees and rocking back and forth. Vince rushes over and grabs Jimmy, simply dragging him along the sands as he’;s in the foetal position

Vince: Jimmy! The foetal position doesn’t work! We just scream and try to interrupt it as much as possible!

A pair of bermuda shorts fly into the air in slo-motion. Will looks up and screams, covering his face with his arms. They drift along in the wind and cast a shadow over Sal, who starts flapping his arms and cawing like a raven. Brick, Jimmy, Vince and Jon dive for cover until the shorts land on Dicks head. Dick sits there, holding a chicken wing, paralyzed

Dick: These shorts..smell..

Dick takes them off and looks at them, screaming wildly. Moe quickly gets a pair of tongs and takes the boxers. Maurice grabs a lit match he was going to light a chocolate fondue set with and takes it to the shorts, setting them alight. They breathe a sight of relief and Moe tosses the ashes into the sands.

Wolf: Thats all good, guys, but whats he going to wear AFTER?

Silence. Maurice grabs a cloth used to wrap a honey-glazed ham in and throws it as hard as he can, landing Franks windbreaker. He breathes a sigh of relief and Moe salutes him

Moe: Me thinks you deserve a medal!

Dean: I’ll second that!

Phil opens an eye and sits up, watching Tavi rub lotion onto Wolfs back

Phil: For any other man, this would be arousing. Why does it turn my blood cold?

Tavi faces him and clicks her fingers

Tavi: I know why..

She quickly stands up, grabbing a blue windbreaker and starting to set it up. Phil steps back, but as he goes to leave. He finds the windbreaker set up around him, her and Wolf and their blankets

Phil: ......Oh

Tavi takes her top off and starts to rub the lotion into Wolfs back. They both snigger and Wolf plays along, moaning erotically. Phil claws at the windbreaker fabric

Phil: HELP!! HEEEEEEEEELLLPPPP!!!

Wolf gets on all fours and crawls to face Phil

Wolf: Mmm..master want to play?

Phil stops, thinking

Phils brain: What you waiting for, Christmas?

Phil: What do you think? Should I hit it or give it a miss?

Phils brain: Shoot it and don’t miss!

Phil: Hmm..

Phils brain: So..windbreaker, 2 really hot girls..what would the logical man do?

Phil turns around and starts scaling up the windbreaker fabric

Phils brain: I forgot. You haven;t got an ounce of logic in you. You probably think its a type of curry.

Phil grabs the edge of the windbreaker and looks down at them

Phil: NOT IN PUBLIC! THE MOANS WOULD ATTRACT ATTENTION!

Silence. Wolf and Tavi murmur in agreement

Wolf: SO TONIGHT??!?! OR WHEN WE GET PRIVACY?!?!?!

Phils brain: Dig yourself a grave...here’s the bullet..

Phil: YEAH!!!

Phils brain: BANG! He cannot miss at that range!

Phil climbs over the windbreaker and falls to the sands. Silence. Everyone watches him.

Phil: STOP! What about Frank and Mantis?!

Silence. Everyone looks at the windbreaker rocking violently and murmurs in agreement before turning back to normal. Dean sits back in his sunlounger, looking around easily

Karab: Everything alright, Mr. Chevrolet?

Dean: Karab, it’s Dean for Gods sake! And..yeah..I feel..uneasy

Karab: Why?

Dean: I NEED GREASE!!!

Karab: Wha?

Dean: My kebabs! My pizzas! Even my salads! All it is hear is this thing called..’Iced cream’...EWWWW!!! I NEED SOME GREASE KARAB!!

Moe looks back

Moe: Will someone shut him up?!?!?

Dean: I NEED GREASE MOE!!!

Moe sighs and throws him a tub of Vaseline on the sands near him. Dean opens the lid and hugs it, kissing it

Dean: You’ll do..you’ll do..

Moe: ...He ain’t normal!

Dick: Less so when he finds out you just threw him Franks...lubricant

They watch as Dean smells the lubricant and starts screaming so loudly he passes out in 5 seconds. Dick leans in and hi-5s Moe

Dick: Legendary!

Maurice: Lets never let him forget lads!!

Karab fans Dean to try and awaken him, looking at the lube and passing out himself

Moe: Him neither

Maurtice: Ah..but we can’t bribe the kebab man!

Sounds of murmuring and agreement around the 3. Sal sits on his lounger, drinking his Earl Grey as Brick and Vince are kicking a beachball around the sea. He smells the air

Sal: I’m in the mood for BBQ..Maurice?

Maurice: Yeah?

Sal: Any BBQ CHicken?

Dick: We didn’t bring any!

Sailence. Sal looks down at Jon, who’s asleep on his stomach, his back red raw and smoking slightly

Sals brain: Possible legendary moment here.

Sal looks around

Sal: maurice? Got a raw egg?

Maurice roots around in his hamper and grabs several eggs, tapping them.

Maurice: Aye! This one!

He runs over and passes it to Sal before rushing back to Moe and Dick. Sal licks his lips and pulls a loaf of bread out of his own small hamper, cracking the egg onto Jons back

Sal: Ahhh...Eggs Over Jon!

Jon snores loudly and Sal grates some pepper onto the gently frying egg

Sals brain: Classic!

Bob is sitting on the blanket and rubbing suncream into Octopus’s bacl

Octopus@: Oo..Mm..right there..

Mantis: Oo..Mm..right there..

Bob: Two views on entirely contrasting subjects..

Bob watches as Billy shoots across the surf on a Jetski with Jimmy on the back, wakeboarding

Jimmy: LOOK AT ME!!

Phil watches from the shoreline and gives a thumbs up, but the wakeboard flies off Jimmys feet and hurtles towards Phil. Phil dives to his feet, but watches as the wakeboard flies off over the horizon. Bob jumped to his feet, and is clutching a Cricket Bat

Bob: STEEERIKE!!!

Phil looks back at Bob

Phil: Fuck man..Thanks!

Bob: No problem. Just be thankful I'm the one saving your hide.

Phil: I could have avoided this shit by not going for a drink

Bob points and laughs

Bob: COMEUPPANCE!!! WHAAYYYAYAYAYAYAYY!!!!

They both watch as Jimmy flies over them, screaming and bouncing across the sand, sliding to Will and Ravens feet

Will: ...Wow, the tourists outta stop feeding this pigeons, they’re getting bigger!

Jimmy spits out sand and looks up at him

Jimmy: I DARE you to try wakeboarding!

Will: I’m part of a better sport! It’s called Looking Good! Now fuck off Conference player!

Jimmy: or what?!

Raven rolls onto Will and straddles him. Jimmy scrambles away

Jimmy: OK! OK! YOU WIN! OH GOD! I SURRENDER!

Raven looks back at him and sticks her tongue at him, rolling off

Jimmy: YOU BASTARD!

Jimmy runs up and taps Ravens shin with his foot

Jimmy: Ha! Showed you!

He taps her shin again

Jimmy: Woo! King Jimmy!

Billy walks along, drenched from the sea and grabs Jimmy in a headlock, dragging him off to the changing rooms

Raven: I love the Scottish!

Johan and Steve leave the vendor, eating ice-creams

Steve: So..Johan? Like the icey-creamy?

Johan: Johan likes this weird ice cream! I LOVE THE MINT-CHOC-CHIPPYNESS!

Bob and Octopus stand up

Bob: You want one?

Octopus: Yeah! I’ll have brazilian mango with a strawberry glace.

Bob: .......Uh....How about a strawberry top?

Octopus shrugs

Octopus: Works for me

Sal is busy eating his egg sandwich which cooked on Jons back.

Sal: I can’t believe The Guys and Dave got off this trip..

Dick: They have to work!

Sal: Then why are Johan and Bobby here?

Dick: In the words of them and Dave: We have better things to do than sit around on a stinking beach. Apparently, they got tickets to the Tijuana Lowrider Carnival

Sal: Tijuana?

=Flash=

The scene cuts to Tijuana where cops have raided on a convention full of different coloured lowriders. That Hispanic Guy, That Random Guy, That Other Random Guy and Dave are crouched behind a display of rims

That Hispanic Guy: Fucking putas..now what?

That Random Guy: Who could’ve guessed it was also a drug-running convention!

That Other Random Guy: At least I got this funny hat!

He laughs and rubs the rim of a giant sombrero. That Hispanic Guy grabs it and throws it to the ground

That Other Random Guy: Dammit, *Beep*, lighten up!

That Hispanic Guy: You wanna be Bubbas Puta? You let the polizia catch you, then!

Several police swarm around the rim display

Dave: ...Shit.

Dave stands up and pushes the display, it falls over and sends the police flying. They quickly hop over the rims and dive into the seat of the nearest lowrider. That Hispanic Guy honks the horn and ‘The Spanish Flea’ starts playing

That Hispanic Guy: HOLD ON!!

He cranks the engine and undoes the handbrake, the lowrider flying off the stand and out of the wooden fence, hurtling towards a nearby port

=Flash=

Dick: Don’t worry! I’m sure they’re having fun!

Franks head pops above his windbreaker, his hair scruffy

Frank: Anyone got a beer?

Maurice: No viagra left, mate?

Laughter across the beach

Frank: Let me just say I need some taste for the furry cu--

Screaming across the beach. Brick himself buries his head in the sand, flailing his arms. Maurice hurls him a can of beer and Frank catches it, grinning

Frank: SKOL!!

He disappears and Brick pulls his head from the sand

Johan: You look like ostrich there!

Brick: How did you not hear that?!

Steve and Johan point to their ears, which have cotton buds inside them

Brick: Lucky bastards

Brick kneels beside Sal and opens his pocket, letting Mr. Moneypennies slither out, who’s wearing sunglasses and one-legged “bermuda shorts”

Mr. Moneypennies: Alright mah homedogs! Partay on the beeach!

Mr. Moneypennies starts slithering towards Jon

Mr. Moneypennies: Anyone else smell some egg in the hiz-air?!

Sal nods

Sal: One egg or two?

Mr. Moneypennies: Sheeat dude! Knock me up two!

Sal cracks two eggs onto Jons back and they start to sizzle. Phil sits at the shoreline, and all of a sudden, he looks up at a black shape hovering above the jetski

Phil: Oh no..

The figure hovers closer, wearing a pair of red bermuda shorts over a black skin-tight suit, and a blue visor over a gasmask

Phil: NOT YOU AGAIN!!

Figure: Yes..its me! PSYCHO MANTIS!

Phil: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

Phil gets up, but his body shakes

Phil: Ah crap!!

Psycho Mantis hovers in front of him

Psycho Mantis: Those shorts are crap, Phil..

Phil: Shut up!

Psycho Mantis: Now let me read your--what's in your pocket?

Phil: Nothing.

Mantis: PHIL?!

Phil whines and pulls out a Playstation 3 controller, throwing it before Mantis

Mantis: Why are you carrying this?

Phil shrugs

Phil: In case I steal a PS3.......

Mantis: Oh--Hey..wait..

Psycho Mantis grabs the controller and fiddles with it slightly

Mantis: Hmm..still the same as PS2..but wait..

Mantis starts shaking, the controller vibrating

Phil: Oh please no!

He can barely make out tears welling in Mantis' eyes as Steve, Will and Billy come along from on their way to the vendor

Will: Found a new friend?

Billy: Yeaaaah..but Psycho Mantis?

Will: Wait a sec--Oh no!! OH FUCK NO!!

Mantis: I will now move the controller with the power of my mind alone!!

Johan walks along

Johan: Hey look! Psycho guy!

Mantis: HYYYAAARRRGGHHH!!!!

He waves his arms and the 5 men are flung back

Mantis: Ah fuck..not again..

The controller rumbles

Mantis: VIBRATION IS BACK!!!

He gives the peace sign and disappears. Meanwhile, Phil comes to and looks up

Phil: ...Can I have a beer now?..

Vince looks over at him

Vince: My god..what happened?

Phil: Mantis...

Vince: What did she do to you?!

Phil: Not her..Psycho..Psycho Mantis..

Vince gives a small chuckle and removes his sunglasses

Vince: Shit, Phil.. You know the whole Psycho Mantis thing is a bunch of cr--

They hear a shuffling sound and a vibrating PS3 controller slowly inches across the sand

Mantis: I WUV MY VIBRATION!!!

Phil: And people wonder why they call him Psycho!

He falls back and Vince pats his shoulder

Vince: We could get an ice-cream..

Phil raises his eyebrows

Phil: Or should we do what Frank and Screaming Mantis were doing?

Vince: What the fuck?! You sicko?!?!?!

Phil: THEY WERE DRINKING!!! Let me have a brew or brew me with hops! I want to be a part of beer!

Vince sighs and flips open the cooler

Phil: WOOHOO!!

He looks in and screams

Phil: WHERE'S THE BEER?!!??!!

Frank pops his head up from behind his windcover with a black lacy bra on his head

Frank: Heya..itsh phil..PHIL!!! ITS ME!! BRA MAN!!

Phil growls

Phil: Frank? ...Did you drink ALL my beer?

Frank: ...Yesh..

Phil collapses backwards, whining as a hand grabs Franks shoulder

Frank: Round two, babay?

He winks and ducks back down behind the wind cover. Will looks back at it and shakes his head

Will: That kind of behaviour is disturbing, man! And with Screaming Mantis? My God.

Raven rolls onto her side and strokes his shoulder

Will: lets rock.

They both stand up, laughing aand running into the nearest toilet. Steve and Billy go back for a 2nd ice-cream

Steve: Hey..can I have a lemon top?

Billy: I'll have a strawberry top.

The vendor turns around and rolls his eyes

Billy: What?

Vendor: You guys think i’m that stupid?

He looks at the open cash register and a large bundle in the pocket of Billys shorts

Billy: No.,..of course..not!

Vendor: The money..give me it back!

Billy: And if I don’t?

Vendor: I will call the police sir!

Billy licks his ice cream

Billy: Mmm...strawberry--

He throws it in the vendors face and the vendor screams, rubbing it away. Billy hops the counter and punches the vendor, kicking him repeatedly

Billy: I’VE HEARD OF YOU VENDORS! YOU GUYS SUCKED! YOU BEACH VENDORS ARE IN HANNAH MONTANA! EAT MY SHIT AND DIE!

The vendor keeps screaming and Steve has to lean over the bar, grabbing Billys arms and pulling him back

Steve: NO BILLY! YOU STOP! BAD BILLY! YOU’LL KILL HIM!

Billy reaches into his pocket, pulls out a note and drops it on the bleeding vendor

Billy: get yourself a new kidney

They both walk off. Mr Moneypennies is busy devouring an egg as Phil lays back on the beach towel

Vince: So...admit coming here was a good idea?

Phil: Yeah, except for the fact that Frank drunk my beer, Psycho Mantis appeared and--

He lifts his head and looks at Frank and Mantis’s windbreaker, rocking back and forth violently in the windless beach

Phil: If those two don’t cut out, you realize we’ll have to neuter him?

Maurice nudges him

Maurice: Ah got a pair of shears at home, should we catch him off guard?

Phil: Yes. Yes we should.

Phil lays back and Maurice stands up

Maurice: Gonna catch some waves, later homedog

Phil: Later Wor Maur.

Maurice grabs his surfboard and lifts it above his head, screaming gibberish and running towards the sea, jumping in and sending a huge wave over the ocean. Phil falls back and starts chuckling

Phil: Stop..tickles..

He keeps getting a ticklish feeling around his chest and he giggles

Phil: Stop! What is tha---OH MY GOD.

He looks down at Tavi and Wolfs hands stroking his chest

Wolf: You know..everytime I see Frank and Mantis..I want some human meat..

phil: Somebody help!

Wolf: No-one will..

Phil: HELP!!! HELP!!! IS THERE REALLY A BEACH FULL OF YOU AND YOU’RE NOT HELPING ME?!?!?!?! HELP!!!!

Silence. Windbreaker stops rocking.

Frank: Just have fun Phil

Phil quickly slides under Tavi and Wolf and stands up, adopting a fighting pose

Phil: YOU WANT SOME?! DO YOU?!

Wolf: Oh, yes..and what I want, I always get..

Phil: Ahh....OH FUCK!

Tavi and Wolf scramble up and chase him. Phil screams and runs up the stone steps and onto the sidewalk, hurtling towards and up the pier. He runs to the end and looks into the foamy depths

Phils brain: Hey, you always wanted this! Bottoms up, baby!

Phil: Oh..shit

He turns around and watches Wolf and Tavi advance on him.

Phil: Well...it can’t be that bad

He feels something hit his head and looks down at a box of condoms. He looks up and sees Wolf, grinning widely

Phil: What doesn’t kill me, will cripple me. But bottoms up.

Phil falls backwards stupidly, hitting the edge of the pier rather than falling into the sea

Phil: Ow...

Tavi and Wolf grab his arms and drag him up, throwing him over the side and onto the sands before jumping down. Phil tries to crawl away, but they grab his legs and drag him into a small hut under the pier. He screams violently, but they shut and lock the door.

===

Sunset is starting to happen. The sea is tainted with orange and yellow. Phil is slowly crawling towards the black van helplessly as Tavi and Wolf climb into their pink Smart car, smiling. Dave climbs into Franks humvee and lays back with his arms behind his head. Frank piles in the last deckchair, slams the humvee boot and kisses Mantis on the cheek, going towards the drivers seat.

Mantis: Wow..very nice beach..

Frank looks back at it, and watches as Maurice and Moe pile their stuff into the back of Dicks Del Boy Van

Frank: Its a pip of a place..shame it’ll be Shadow Moses soon..

Mantis strokes his back

Mantis: We’ll be back here..right?

Frank looks at her and kisses her cheek

Frank: Right

Mantis climbs into the passengers side and Frank climbs into the drivers seat, slamming the door shut. He reverses out and drives to the car parks exit, scanning the lot. Phil crawls into the drivers seat and pulls himself up, igniting the engine. He gives the thumbs up. Dick slowly reverses out of his space and behind Franks humvee

Maurice: Y’know..I wonder if those 4 had fun today..

The scene cuts to a large prison holding cell where That Hispanic Guy, That Random Guy, That Other Random Guy, wearing his huge sombrero, and Dave, are sitting. Along with them are 3 huge tattooed gang members, a small wiry little snitch and an obese tattooed man

That Hispanic Guy: Thanks, *Beep*

That Other Random Guy: ME?! I wasn’t the one who suggested stopping off at Taco Bell!!

Dave: You could see the goddamn cop cars, mate! But noooo! You wanted the Three Bean Burrito! And it was only when you gave the cops the bird did they arrest us!

That Random Guy: AFTER they had shoved us to the road and beaten us..I have a police baton playing hell with my kidneys now!

A huge tattooed gang member leans over to That Hispanic Guy and taps his shoulder

Gang member: What you in for?

That Hispanic Guy: A stupid twat. You?

Gang member: White collar crime...I cut a vicars throat..

That Hispanic Guy: Nice..

That Other Random Guy: Y’all just jealous cause I got MY order and ate it!

That Hispanic Guy leans over to the gang member

That Hispanic Guy: Would you mean helping me destroy this weasel?!

Gang member: Not unless we escape, hombre!

That Other Random Guy has started to pick at the wall, bored, flecks of plaster and cement coming off in his hand. He sighs.

That Other Random Guy: Walls pretty weak...

He looks around, Dave, That Hispanic Guy, That Random Guy and the gang member are staring at him, grinning

That Other Random Guy: What?

==

The outer wall smashes as the snitch, obese man and two gang members run out. That Hispanic Guy and the gang member appear, holding That Other Random Guy by his sides like a battering ram. A policeman stands in front of them with a cattleprod

Policeman: MERDE!!

They both ram That Random Guy like a battering ram into the guards head, decapitating him instantly. They charge forward, roaring loudly and That Other Random Guy shuts his eyes tightly

That Other Random Guy: FOR FREEDOM!!!

They ram That Other Random Guy clean through the prisons outer wall, leaving a giant hole where he broke through. They both set him down and start running off with That Random Guy, That Other Random Guy and Dave in tow.

That Other Random Guy: WAIT FOR MEEEE!!!!

The gang member turns around and punches him so hard he spins three times and shoots towards a large group of policemen, knocking them all down

Gang member: STRIKE!!

All 4 of them snigger and run off as the scene fades

Friday Night Fever

The scene slowly opens in Frank, Bob, Dave and Wills house. Blood has stained the green couch, and the table is covered in spit and bloody phlegm. Will is busy bandaging Franks forehead as he sits in a wicker chair

Will: Damn that Destruction Derby!

Frank: Those anyone know how..or why it started?

Will: Nope..now hold still..I need to pour alcohol on the wound..

Frank: THATS A FUCKING WASTE YOU CUNT!

Will walks ointo the kitchen and opens a cupboard

Will: Frank.

Frank:What?

Will: I know this is a stupid question..but I have to ask..Do you know where all the booze has gone?

Dave walks into the room, reading Gunrunners Monthly

Dave: You’re right. That is a stupid question.

Frank hiccups

Will: Question answered..FUCK FRANK!!

Dave: You wanna WHAT?!

Will walks over and slaps Dave. Dave stumbles back into an armchair. Will spins, holding his blazer

Will: OWWW!! You just got slapped, bitch!

Dave: You’re gene pool needs a freakin’ bucket of chlorine you cock..

Bob walks out with Octopus, who was bandaging his arm soothingly

Octopus: Look! I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier!

Bob: And how many times do I have to say it’s ok?!

Frank: Laughing Octopus feeling guilty? This is nuts.

Dave: Technically this is before--

Will: Yes. I agree.

Dave: You didn’t even let me finish!

Will: You were gonna break down the 4th wall!

Frank: No, he was gonna paradox

Will: 4th WALL!

Frank: PARADOX!

Dave: Both of you...shut the fuck up!

Frank ....Paradox

Dave: THAT’S IT!

He grabs Franks head and smashes it off the table, causing him to fall unconscious

Will: Jeez Dave! Calm down!

Dave points at him threateningly

Dave: YAWANTSOMEFUCKINGPRETTYBOY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Will: AHHH!!! NO NO NO!!

Dave breathes out and grabs a trilby

Dave: I’m off to Drebins, want anything?

Will simply stares at him

Will: Yeah, check into Sals ya schizo!

Dave: FUCK YOU!!

Will flips him the bird and Dave slams the door.

Octopus: Maybe you should try..being friendlier?

Will: Says the psychotic laughing woman!!! THIS IS TOO MUCH!!

Will jumps up, screaming and flailing his arms before diving out of the nearest window and into the street

Bob: .....I’ve never seen him do that before

Frank: In his defence, being a mercenary..he was always going to, technically speaking
Octopus: Anyway, Frank.

Frank: ....I can tell this is gonna be good

Octopus: Gonna commit to Mantis?---Where’d he go?!

A dust cloud lingers in the air and another window is smashed. Bob walks over to the window and watches Frank run down the street towards the Lamb and Flag, wearing only boxers and screaming loudly

Bob: How does he do that?--Oh god, RUN WILL!!

He watches Will turn around and scream loudly, pointing at Frank in his boxers

Will: MY EYES HAVE BEEN SOILED! THIS IMAGE IS BURNED INTO MY BRAIN!

Frank hugs Will, screaming. Will starts screaming and crying loudly

Will: GET OFF ME!! HELP!! RAPE!! FIRE!! UGLY NAKED MAN!! HELP!!

Frank: MANTIS WANTS COMMITMENT!!

At the sound of commitment, both men start to bawl loudly like babies. Jon opens the window of the Dog and Handgun and looks out

Jon: DEAR MOTHER OF CHRIST!!

Brick pops out of the other window

Brick: THIS IS WHAT DRINKING AT THE LAMB AND FLAG GETS YOU!! GAY SCREAMING MAN BEAR LOVE!!

The sound of retching and vomiting in nearby houses

Brick: My job is done!

Brick and Jon lean out of the windows and try to hi-5 eachother, but they fall out and scream, hitting the sands

Brick: I can taste my spleen!!!

Octopus: You mercenaries are the living end...


===

Night rolls into the Middle East, and several amateur mercenaries are patrolling the streets for a drink. The PMCs, sick of fighting and having flushed the nanomachines temporarily out of their body, are also surfacing for drinks. Frank walks out to the top of his steps, fully recovered from earlier

Frank: Ahh..night-time, will ya smell it?

Bob walks out, wrinkling his nose

Bob: Smells like liquor, sweat, blood and shit!

Frank: I LOVE FRIDAYS!!

Back in Phil, Steve and Wolfs house

Steve: Ready Phil?

Phil: Ehh..i’m gonna stay in

Steve: WHAT?! WHY?!

Tavi and Wolf walk out, dressed up

Tavi: WHEEE!! My first night out!!

Wolf: Thats right babe! We’re going to the Lamb and Flag for a drink!!

Tavi smiles and nibbles her cheek

Tavi: YAY WOLF!!

Phil: Ask question. Get answer.

Wolf: Still sour, Phil? I thought you were happy?

Phil: I didn’t expect you to bring her in to live with us!! I can barely sleep!

Tavi: OH! Stop exaggerating you asshole!

Phil: Hows this for exaggeration? Get out.

Tavi: Thats not exa--

Phil: Ok then. Get the FUCK out.

Wolf: PHIL! You promised!

Phil: Wrong! I was waivered and outvoted!

Wolf: Sheesh..not our fault

Phil looks up at Steve

Phil: It was your vote that really hurt Steve!

Steve: Will tickled me!

Phil: God I hate that cunt

Wolf: PHIL! You can’t say that about your fellow mercenaries!

Phil: Ever heard of justifiable friendly fire?

Wolf: ...No

Phil: Well, you’re about to

Steve: C’mon Phil! Lets go grab a drinky and we can forget all about it!

Phil looks up at Steve

Phil: AH! Why not?!

Phil stands up and runs into his bedroom, walking out instantly dressed up

Steve: ...Wow

Phil: Where there’s drinking, I work!

Tavi: Yeah, well, me and Wolf are gonna check out the Half Moon first.

Phil: Pff. Good luck!

Tavi: Whats THAT supposed to mean?!

Phil: Only PMCs and the insane drink there!

Tavi: Yeah? Well i’ve seen that one named Jason go there--

phil: Then I rest my case!

Tavi simply turns around and storms out of the house. Wolf stares at Phil

Wolf: Phil...

Phil: Yeah?

She stomps over, grabs him by his collar and lifts him several feet into the air. His eyes widen

Wolf: My fingernails mean MORE to ME than YOUR ENTIRE LIFE..want to push
some more?!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!?!? WELL?!?!?!?!?!

Phils brain: I dare you for one rush of adrenaline.

Phil: So are you going to order the pizza tonight?

Steve winces as Wolf storms out. He slowly tiptoes over Phil, who’s upside down in a bin in a pile of his own teeth and blood

Steve: Phil...Say something?

Phil: .......Ow.

Meanwhile, at Sal, Billy and Vinces flat, Sal is dressed in a black silk suit, pouring a small amount of armagnac from his carafe into a small tumbler

Sal: Armagnac Billy?

Billy looks down at him, dressed in a smart shirt and jeans

Billy: No thanks, I don’t want to be a twatty ponce.

Sal: FUCK YOU!

Billy: In your dreams

Vince: Calm down you idiots, it’s Friday Night!! YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!!!

Sal simply looks at him and shakes his head

Vince: THE VODBULL!!

Billy: Ah, sweet!!!

Sal: I think i’ll pass.

Billy and Vince look at eachother. Vince points to himself

Vince: Nehru

Vince points at Billy

Vince: Curzon

Vince points at Sal

Vince: Fucking Jinnah there.

Sal: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Vince: Stop being all serious Mr. Jinnah and have some fun!

Sal: STOP CALLING ME JINNAH!!!

Billy: Do I have to be Curzon?! He fucked up in the Raj!

Vince blinks

Vince: lets just get the Vodbulls out and be happy

Vince runs into the kitchen and comes out with 2 glasses of bright orange liquid. He hands one to Billy

Billy: All-nighter?

Vince: As ever!

Sal: Thank God you have your own Ferrari now..I wouldn’t be wanting to clean out the vomit and sweat..

Vince and Billy both down the drink in one and wipe their mouths

Vince: Ready?

Billy: READY!

They both turn to Sal and punch him in the jaw, sending him flying over his leather armchair and onto the Afghan Rug. Vince dusts off his hands

Vince: Foggsy Driving to the bar!

Billy: Ok then..DESIGNATED DRIVER!!

Both men look at eachother and laugh

Vince: Ahh fuck that. We’ll be sozzled.

====

The Lamb and Flag was fully packed to the brim. Randy Couture, Ken Shamrock , Fedor Emalanienko and Brock Lesnar are sitting at one table, talking amongst themselves. Samoa Joe, AJ Styles, Kurt Angle, Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin are sitting at another, waiting to order food. Kurt Angle looks over at Brocks table. Brock gives a sinister wave

Angle: ONE OF THESE DAYS, BROCK!!!

Brock makes the ‘bring it on’ gesture and Angle bares his teeth, growling. Fedor hurls a glass at them and Angle ducks, flipping the bird

Dick: OI! DON’T MAKE ME GET THE HOSE!

Fedor sits down, grumbling and cursing to himself. Phil, Steve, Dean, Brick and Obese Maurice are sat at one table, where Brick is busy feeding Mr. Moneypennies scraps of eggy bread

Dean: Awesome snake, Brick!

Brick: Aye, he’s the god of snakes!

Steve: He’s growing like he’s human!

Brick keeps feeding Mr. Moneypennies, who has gotten a foot longer and 2 inches wider since Christmas

Brick: Aye, well he is an anaconda

Silence at the table. Nervous looks.

Mr. Moneypennies: Don’t worry my shiznits! I won’t be harming y’all! Y’all my homedogs from the hood!

Quiet cheering and hi-5s.

Phil: Anyone else have a bad feeling about something?

Brick: Come to think of it...I do have a bad chill down me spine..

Sal, Billy and Vince walk in

Phil: Ain’t that, but that’ll be close enough

Sal and Vince walk over to their table and Billy joins Daves table

Sal: Hi guys

Maurice: Vince! Jinnah!

Sal: WHY IS EVERYONE CALLING ME JINNAH?!?!?!?!

Phil: Cause we found an abandoned library on the outskirts of town, hiding from the FROGs. All it was were books about the Raj..


Maurice: Aye, and you remind us of Jinnah: Well dressed but no fun!

Sal: Keep talking..assholes!

Vince grabs a bottle of Bulmers from the bar, slams some money down and rushes over to the table

Vince: Billy? You not joining us?

Billy: We have..things to discuss

Sal: Anyone else have a bad feeling about something?

Phil: Yeah! What the fuck is it?

Maurice: Actually..now i’m getting it..

Tavi flings the door open and flicks back her hair, walking over to an empty table next to Bricks

Phil: Can we confirm this is the bad feeling?

Tavi turns to face him

Tavi: Why are you staring at me?

Table shivers.

Phil: Confirmation!

Tavi flips the bird as Wolf walks in. Wolf takes one look around and walks quickly to sit beside Tavi. Both women start kissing eachother passionately and noisily, the sound of slurping near the table. Phil, Steve, Jon, Sal, Vince, Brick, Dean and Obese Maurice watch, wincing

Sal: .......Just..No..

Wolf: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....


The kiss starts to get more passionate and Vince clutches his mouth, rushing into the bathroom

Maurice (Quietly): Oi..Dean..dare ya to break it up!

Dean (Quietly): That’d be like suicide! Only a stupid, suicidal maniac would try it!

Phil leans in

Phil (Quietly): You called?

Steve leans in

Steve (Quietly): What are we talking so quietly about?

Phil (Quietly) I don’t know

Steve: THEN WHY DON’T WE SHOUT SO AS NOT TO ATTRACT ATTENTION???!!?!?!?!?!!

Everyone stops and stares at them

Sal, Phil, Maurice: WASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSUP?!!!!!!!!!

The bar quickly goes back to normal and Phil turns to Steve

Phil: Steven Llarrec, if you do that again I am going to whoop yo ass so hard you’ll be spitting shit for a week!

Wolf stops kissing Tavi and turns to their table

Wolf: Am I disturbing you?

Sal: No

Phil: Not at all!

Steve: Pssh! No! Have fun!

Maurice: Aye! Be jolly!

Dean: Yeah! It’s turning me on!

Silence. Everyone stares at Dean

Deans brain: Oops. I think I said that out loud..

Wolf: So..no hard feelings Phil?

Phil: What?

Wolf: Y’know..me..being a lesbian an’ all

Phil: No! Psh! This story needs a bigger demographic anyway!

Maurice slaps Phil on the cheek

Phil: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?!


Maurice: One, you’re getting too smart for yer own good. 2, yer breaking the fourth wall. 3, for fun

Phil: Thats wor Maurice!

Maurice: AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!

He gives the Fonzy thumbs up as the door opens and Jon walks in

All: HI JON!

Jon: O HAI.

Silence.

Jon: LOL.

Silence.

Jon: OMGZORRO.

Moe runs over and headbutts Jon in the stomach. He vomits up what looks to be the Matrix code and wipes his mouth

jon: Sorry guys..Nanomachines..

Frank: You actually injected yourself?

Jon: I thought it was he--

Jons brain: Say it and i’ll break your frontal lobe.

Jon: Healthy vitamins. You know..the sort that makes you feel better?

Frank: Stupid twat...Buy a drink!

Jon breathes a sigh and relief and slaps the bar

Jon: Usual Dick!

Dick looks at him

Jon: ..Usual?

Dick stares.

Dick: You don’t HAVE A usual!

Jon: Then gimme a bottle of Bulmers ya git!

He slaps some money on the counter and Dick hands him his bottle

Jon: ...Dick, where do you get this booze from, considering a lot of major religions in the Middle East area have customs against alcohol?

Dick: You ask too many questions, Jon!

Jon: Ok!

He turns around and sees Tavi and Wolf kissing, collapsing back in a split second

Frank: Thats the fifth one so far.

Dick: Should I get the poking stick? They might be bad for business

Frank: Just wait..

They watch as Phils table huddle and whisper, but turn their attention as the door opens and Will enters, wearing his emerald green suit

Frank: Told you.

Will clutches his blazer by the collar and grins, walking to and sitting down at the same table as Tavi and Wolf

Will: Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!

Wolf: Uhhh...hey?

Will: How about we make a cake..two parts you, one part me, mix it together and lets make it three!

Wolf: Out of 10,000 sperm..YOU were the fastest?

The door flies open and Tom Morello runs in

Morello: BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURNED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Silence.

Morello: YOU GOT BURNED!

Morello quickly runs out and Will stands up

Will: Konnichiwa..


He bows to them and turns around, coming face to face with Raging Raven, who has a face contorted into pure evil. The whole bar watches.

Maurice: Ah nah this is entertainment lads!

Dick: Man..should get this on pay per view, Frank, we’d be rolling in it!

Raging Raven: William Studlin...DID YOU TRY AND FLIRT WITH THOSE WOMEN??!?!?!?!?!?!

Frank points

Frank: WHAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!! WILLIAM!! WI-HIL-I-AM!!!

Raging Raven: SHUT UP!!!!

Frank falls backwards over the bar

Will: Now..ho...honey..you know..I...wouldn’t do ANYTHING! like that!

He turns to face them. Tavi grins. He turns to Coutures table desperately. Couture and Fedor smile and wave goodbye.

Tavi: He was...And it upset me! I hope to have a solid relationship!

She looks at Wolf and they smile at eachother. A lamp near Raging Raven explodes

Phil: Ooo..bye Will!

Raging Raven: William..Studlin...Are you...bored with me?

Will: NO! BABY! I AIN’T! But..I like to play! Experiment! Every man dreams of a threesome!

Raging Raven starts breathing ferally, her fists clenching tighter until a chair nearby sets on fire

Maurice: HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!

The bar watches.

Raging Raven: So..you like threesomes..

Will: Uhh...

She knees him in the stomach and he falls to his knees. She grasps his throat tightly

Bar: WHOO! WHOO! WHOO!

Raging Raven: DO YOU?! DO YOU LIKE TO FUCK WITH TWO WOMEN?!

Will: AHHHH!!! YESS!!! YES!!

Raging Raven lets go and whispers in Wolfs ear. Wolf whispers into Tavis ear. Tavi looks at her for a moment. Wolf whispers something else. They snigger and Tavi points at Will. Wolf nods at Raven.

Raging Raven: You have your threesome. See you tonight hot lips.

Raging Raven turns around and heads towards the door. Phils head slowly raises

Frank: Oh man, looks like Will ain’t done with yet!

Couture: I hope he gives more of a violent fight!

Billy leans over

Billy: He will if he’s getting there..

He watches as Phil slowly stands up, his hands tearing off a chunk of the table

Billy: Voila.

Phil: Wolf....aren’t you going to ask ME what I think of it? The only reason I haven’t pumped you full of lead is because you told me earlier it was only with Tavi, and NOT with another MAN.

Wolf: Phil....I thought our relationship had ended..

Phil: On good terms, or was that a lie too?

Wolf: Phil...

Will gets to his feet

Will: Hehe..better get the drinks and viagra in!!

Phil: Well, Wolf?

Wolf: We are friends..but....it doesn’t mean I’ll respect your wishes

Billy: Get the popcorn Couture.

Couture: Will beer do?

Billy turns and faces Phil

Billy: Yes. Yes it will.

Phil: So..my wishes..mean nothing to you? Our relationship..meant nothing to you?

Wolf: it’s not that..

Will: Whoooo!! Gonna get me some Beautiful Beast action tonight...Whats it like, Phil? Rowrrough?!

Wolf sniggers slightly and Phil sits down

Phil: Yes. Yes it is.

Will: Sweet!! Hey, Wolf, do you think i’ll be better?

Wolf: No answer.

WIll: Bet I am!

Phil shoots up and flings a chair at Wills head. The chair smashes violently and Will collapses to the floor. Phil slides over his table and grabs Will by his blazer and shoves him against the bar, punching him in the chest repeatedly

Wolf: PHIL! STOP!

Phil knees him in his sides and Will falls to his knees. Phil takes a few steps back and throws himself at Will, punching him violently in the face and causing both men to fall to the floor. Phil stands up and drags up Will, grabbing him by his throat and pulling his fist back. Wolf grabs his arm

Wolf: PHIL! STOP! STOP NOW!

Phil drops his arm by his side, but kicks Will in the stomach and grabs his right arm, starting to elbow into Wills elbow violently. Will starts screaming in pain, pulling himself free and running for the door. Phil grabs him by his hair and shoves him to the floor, causing his head to smash violently off the floor

Wolf: PHIL!

Phil: Ok! I’m done with weasely fuck!

Will scrambles up, his nose bleeding and a large gash on his forehead

Will: Next time...The guns are coming out!

Phil steps towards him and Will screams, running outside

Phil: Fucking punk.

Phil walks towards his table and shoves Wolf off

Phil: Get the fuck off.

He sits down at his table, and Maurice noogies him

Maurice: THATS WOR PHIL!!

Phil: AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

Phil gives the Fonzy thumbs up as the bar returns to normal

Frank: Insane.

That Random Guys head pops down from the staircase

That Random Guy: You called?

Frank: Twat.

That Random Guy: Cunt.

Frank stands up and grabs his pint glass, growling at That Random Guy

That Random Guy: Don't be hatin' on the Heads of Steel!

Frank: Heads..of Steel?

That Random Guy: FO SHIZZLE!!

He disappears just as quickly as he entered, the sound of clanging filling the room

frank: What the FUCK?!

That Hispanic Guy, That Other Random Guy, Johan and Big Bad Bobby walk in. Johan takes off his welders mask and drops it

Johan: Busy at works! Johan always work hard!

That Hispanic Guy: I gotta admit..that suit you made for Steve was cool

Dick: Hey guys..getting a bit crowded now, eh?

That Other Random Guy: Get us some draught on tap, Dicky! We just finished fixing your car!

Dick quickly pours out 4 glasses of Carling and spreads them on the bar. All 4 walk over and grab the glasses. That Hispanic Guy takes one sip and looks around

That Hispanic Guy: Ey! Everyone dressed up! Must be a Friday! VAMOS WORK!

That Hispanic Guy tears off his dungarees to reveal a white shirt, black tie, dress trousers and leather shoes.

Silence.

That Hispanic Guy: What?

Shelley: I wish I could do that!

Angle: Do and i’ll break your ankle.

Shelley: Why?!?!?

Joe: Angles violent like that. I heard he once headbutted a kitten for looking at him

Angle: Dammit Joe! Thats an urban legend I invented to scare kids!

Joe: And it works!

Couture: WE’RE TRYING TO TALK HERE!!

Shamrock: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Angle: MAKE ME!!

Joe stands up

Joe: MAKE MY FUCKING DAY!!!

A random group of fans burst through the door

fans: JOES GONNA KILL YA!!!

They leave as quickly as they entered, and Dick quickly unlocks the hose box

Dick: I FUCKING WARNED YOU!!

Joe: Ok! Ok ok!

All of them sit down and the bar returns to normal. That Hispanic Guy and Johan sit at stools while That Other Random Guy sits at Billy and Daves table.

Frank: Hey, *beep*

That Hispanic Guy: Frank, back in your natural habitat I see!

Moe: And we see the dangerous hunter stalking his usual pint!

Frank raises his glass

Frank: SKOL!

He downs it in a gulp and sets it down, tapping the bar

Frank: Another one, Dick

Dick: You owe me 150 quid so far!

Frank: I hock the stuff tomorrow, so i’ll pay ya then!

Dick: Lucky you have a good track record!

He takes the glass and fills it up. Will slowly walks back in with a bandaged head and with Raging Raven at his side. Will smirks and sticks his tongue out at Phil. Phil stands up and puts a foot on the table, ready to jump over, but Sal and Steve grab his arms. Raven stares at him

Raven: Do you want to fight my tarzan?

Maurice: Looks like tarzan, fights like Jane

The table cheers and flips the bird at Will, patting Maurice on the back who raises his arms. Phil sits down and Will waves it off, sitting at the last empty table with Raging Raven

Will: Did you really get me a threesome with...Wolf?

Raven: Yes. Yes I did.

Will: How?

Raven: Well, we’re like sisters in the Unit, and she owes me big after I saved her ass in Chechnya!

Will: CHECHNYA?!

Raven: We’re special forces Will! We get deployed everywhere!

Will: Heard its nice in Winter.

Raven: It is..

Will: A threesome??!!! REALLY?!!??!

Raven: Yes...but if Wolf calls it off...then you will wish you were never born..

She stares at him darkly, but grins brightly

Raven: LOVE YOU!

Will: Love you too

Will turns to Joes table and mouths ‘Help’

Sabin: Fuck off Will, you made your bed, have sex in it

Wolf and Tavi stop kissing, and Vince sighs

Vince: Mind you, Man..Lesbians all good for watching!

Tavi faces him with a look of hate, Wolf turns her face and whispers sweet nothings as Sal turns to Vince

Sal: Vince, no offence bud..but if ignorance was bliss, you’d be orgasming.

The door flies open and Morello points at Vince

Morello: BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURNED!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jeff Jarrett appears and smashes his guitar over Morellos head, making him collapse

Sal: OH MY GOD! IT’S FORMER WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION AND TNA WORLD CHAMPION, JEFF JARRETT!!

The whole bar turns silent and stares at Sal

Phil: Uh, Sal. Jarretts been a regular here since...well, ever.

Sal: I knew that..

Jarrett walks over to Joes table and sits down, slamming the table with his fist

Jarrett: Dammit Joe! That Snake tried to shoot me!

Joe: He did, huh?

He points at Styles, who unbuttons his shirt to reveal a bandage across his chest

Joe: He got AJ. Twice.

Jarrett looks at AJ

Jarrett: That’s probably because he was stupid enough to walk into them!

Styles: Now now Jarrett, at least I’ve killed a FROG WITH MY BARE HANDS!

He raises his fists and bares his teeth, roaring. Jarrett blinks rapidly

Jarrett: ...Riiiiiight

Dick walks over

Dick: Alright lads, what’ll it be?

Jarrett: Does the steak come free with the bourbon glaze?

Dick: Yeah, sure.

Jarrett: Oo! I’ll have that!

AJ Styles: I’ll have the ham salad, Dicky!

Joe: Give me the pie and fries...

Shelley: I’ll take...the cheeseburger

Sabin: Two cheeseburgers.

Dick notes it down

Dick: Gotcha guys!

Frank hiccups and Will tiptoes past him, tapping the bar

Will: ..drink please..

Will looks at Frank

Will: Frank, you fucking offend me..

Frank: Cause I drink?

Will: Cause you were born!

Frank stands up and winds his fist, Will looks at him and Frank swings, Will steps back and Frank falls onto his face

Frank: OO! A PENNY!

Frank scrambles up, clutching 5p

Frank: I FOUND CURLYS GOLD!!

He laughs and collapses backwards

Will: Insane.

Jason: You called?

Fedor stands up and hurls a glass at Jason. Jason screams and runs back upstairs

Shamrock: Oi! Fedor! Whats with the glass throwing?!

Fedor: Automatic reflex.

Dick delivers the food to the wrestlers table and Frank slowly stands up, hiccuping

Frank: PHIL! I’M RICH! RICH! RI--

Phil: Hang on, the bankers calling!

Phil pretends to answer his mobile phone

phil: yeah? I’ll tell him

Phil stands up and points at Frank

Phil: FRANK! I GOT A CALL FOR YOU!

Frank: WHO IS IT?!

Phil: IT’S AN INBRED VILLAGE! THEY WANT THEIR IDIOT BACK!

Frank growls and flies over a table, punching Phil in the jaw. Maurice grabs Frank by his shirt and headbutss him. Will rushes forward and smashes a stool over Maurices back. Maurice simply turns to him and bares his teeth, growling. Will taps his shin with his foot

Will: I AM WILL STRONGO!!

He turns to Tavi and Wolf and flexes dramatically, but Maurice grabs him by the scruff of his neck and lifts him for Sal to jump onto the table and dropkick him. Maurice drops him and Dave leaps onto his back, wrapping his arms tightly around his neck. Dean jumps up and pulls a pair of nunchucks, letting out a martial-arts yell

Dick: OI! NO FIGHTING IN THE PUB! TAKE IT OUTSIDE!

Ken Shamrock jumps up and slams Dean down, only for Phil to stand up and leap onto Franks back, putting them through Tavi and Wolfs table. Wolf screamss and stands up as Sal tackles down Shamrock. Couture stands up and cracks his knuckles as Phil starts to punch Frank in the temple with repeated blows. Tavi grabs Phil in a rear naked choke and pulls him off as Wolf drags up Frank and subdues him

Frank: COME ON! GET SOME!

Phil shoves Tavi off and looks at her

Phil: What the fuck you doing?

Tavi: Y-y-y-you were violent!!

Phil: It’s a bar fight! Anything go--

Billy hurls himself at Phil and knocks him over. Johan jumps up and grabs a tire iron

Johan: No touch Phil! Phil teach Johan england way of speech!

Johan wades through the rubble, only for Jim to slowly walk into the bar

Jim: DAMN! I’M ALWAYS LATE!

Jim drains a random pint glass of its dregs and runs at Johan to try and tackle him. Johan shoves him away and That Hispanic Guy jumps up, snapping a whip at Dave

That Hispanic guy: HAICHA!!

Dave stumbles back and Johan grabs Billy, throwing him off. Wolf hurls herself at Johan and latches herself onto him, clawing at his back. Phil gets up and grabs Frank by the hem of his pants, throwing him at Johan and sandwiching Wolf, sending her and Frank off

johan; Thank Phil. Behind!

Billy jumps on Phils back and takes him down

Dick: I WILL GET THE HOSE--

Moe throws a bottle and it smashes off the wall near Dick, who ducks. Couture stands up and the table flips violently

Couture: SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO RELAX!!

Johan has Frank in a headlock, while Steve and Sal are busy pummeling Will

Shamrock: That’ll be the trick then..

Couture, Shamrock, Emalanienko and Lesnar stand up, walking towards them

Will: CHEATING!!! YOU GUYS RE--

Couture grabs Will in a headlock and starts to choke him as Emalanienko backs Sal to a wall, pummeling him in his stomach

Sal: Pai-ai-ai-ai-ai-aiNNNN!!!

Shamrock yanks up Phil and starts to punch him in the jaw. Phil attempts to swing a punch, but he misses and Shamrock tackles him through a jukebox

Dick: I JUST GOT THAT!!

Dave slaps Lesnar in the kidney

Dave: WOOCHA!!

Lesnar growls and grabs Dave by the throat, lifting him up and throwing him down. Maurice quickly yells out and charges Lesnar, sending him down. Brick exits from the bathroom and washes the ensuing brawl

brick: HotDAMN!

That Hispanic Guy wraps his whip around Billys neck, but Couture slams down Sal and punches him in the temple, sending That Hispanic Guy flying dramatically through a window to the outside.

Billy: Thanks mate!

Couture helps him up, but starts to punch him in the gut. Shamrock grabs Phil and starts to nail him with several elbows

Phil: STOOOOOOOOOP!!!!

Wolf grabs Shamrock and throws him off, Phil spews several teeth into the air, blood pouring from his mouth

Wolf: Oh dear Phil..no-one to help you..

Phil: Y-y-y-you’re not h-helping m-m-m-me?

Wolf: No..I only help my sugarsnookum..

Phil: Oh..in that case

Phil stands up and pats Wolf on the shoulder

Phil: Goodbye..

Wolf: You leaving?

Phil walks out the door

Phil: No, just getting a run-up

Phil charges and punches Wolf in the jaw, sending her flying through the nearest table. phil blows on his fist and smirks

Phil: Now THAT’S a knockout!

Phil goes to walk out, but Lesnar uppercuts him, and Phil shoots up, his head smashing through the ceiling and his body dangling and thrashing

Lesnar: THAT’S a knockout!!

Maurice charges him again, and Lesnar sidesteps, tripping him and sending him through the door and onto Will

Will: MY SPLEEN!!

Phils legs struggle

Phil: OH GOD!

Tavi helps up Wolf. Wolf simply leans up and grabs Phils groin, squeezing. Phil screams

phil: OWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!!!!!!!!!!


Wolf lets go and smirks, turning to Tavi and french kissing her as they walk out of the door. Jarrett is busy finishing his steak as a bottle of bourbon flies into the wall near them

AJ: Damn..getting violent..Pass the dressing, Joe

Samoa Joe hands him some salad dressing

Joe: Always been like this...salt, Angle?

Kurt Angle passes Joe the salt

Angle: Y’know what? Should we just leave?

Jarrett: No! We can’t leave..right, Shelley?

Shelley: Nope. Noooo leaving.

Angle: Don’t you guys get bored with the violence, the randomness and the drinking?

Table: No.

Angle: ..Fair enough

Reigns: You should really think--

Billy tackles Evans through the table. Jarrett sits there, his knife and fork in mid-air where his plate used to be

Jarrett: ......Get the Scot

Billy: FUCK!

The table jumps up and roars, charging at Billy, who runs off screaming. Phil falls from the ceiling and smashes through a chair

Phil: .....Ow.

Shamrock rushes over, but Shelley clotheslines him

Shelley: WOOO!!

Lesnar taps Shelleys shoulder. He leans back and looks back, screaming and running behind the randomly appearing Luther Reigns. reigns folds his arms and stares up at Lesnar before they start exchanging blows. Raging Raven pops her head in and stares as Frank has Will in a headlock and is punching him violently.

Dick: RIGHT! EVERYONE! LISTEN UP!”

The brawl continues. Maurice charges in and takes down Sal and Vince, while Brick is busy smashing a table leg over That Random Guys back. Dick pulls out a hose

Shamrock: SHIT! HE GOT THE HOSE!

The brawling stops immediately and every turns to Dick

Dick: That is it! You all take this onto the streets and take the wounded and dead with you! NOW!

No-one moves, but Dick flips a switch and water starts spraying everywhere. Frank cries out and falls back

Frank: HELP! I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A CLEAR, NON-ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE!

They all rush out the door. Billy has Will over his shoulder while Sal drags Phil out over the rubble. They all turn to face eachother in the streets, breathing heavily and soaked by water

Frank: ...Same time next week lads?

The crowd murmurs in agreement and cheers. Jarrett claps his hands together

Jarrett: Ok slapnuts! I heard the Half Moons got a special and the Dog And Handgun has free lapdances to those who conquer the Yard Glass challenge!

Billy: That’s Franks territory.

Everyone laughs in agreement

Frank: Everyone split up, go home..go drink, and we’ll meet up next week!

The crowd raises their fists and yells in agreement. Steve turns around and runs into a wall before getting back up

Shamrock: Seriously, the last thing you need is more brain damage dude

Steve: Dain bramamage?

Shamrock: ...I rest my case

The door of the Half Moon opens and Screaming Mantis walks out, clutching 2 yard glasses
Mantis: Whoever can conquer it gets me tonight!

Maurice: But Franks the only one stupid enough ta try!

Mantis: Correct Maurice. Very correct

Crowd: WHAYYYYYY!! FRANK! FRANK! FRANK!

Couture, Angle, Sal and Billy shoves Frank out of the crowd. Frank looks around and grins

Frank: SHOULD I!?!??!?!?

Crowd: GO ON, FRANK!!

Frank grabs both glasses and starts to drain them at inhuman speeds. Mantis claps rapidly and cheers on as Frank drains them, slamming both glasses to the ground, smashing them and raising his arms. Dave runs over and raises his arm

Dave: THE WINNER AND THE INSANE ONE! FRANK DANIELS!

The crowd cheers wildly and Frank turns to Mantis, french-kissing her passionately.

Silence. Wincing.

Phil: I could have gone my whole life without seeing that............

Steve: I’m gonna puke!!

Both lay on top of eachother and the crowd screams. Dispersing rapidly

Sal: What the--

Sal, Billy, Steve Dean, Phil, Shelley, Angle, Couture, Shamrock, Will, Raven, Jon, Dean and Dave are sitting in the Dog and Handgun

Sal: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED THERE?!

Phil: Wow..horrific images make men run so fast..

Raven: And women!

Will: Yesh! Women too!

Sal: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED THERE??!!

Jon: Can someone explain to me where this traffic cone came from?

Jon holds up a red traffic cone with a black lacy thong dangling off it

Dean: Think thats bad?

Dean holds up his wrists to reveal pink fluffy handcuffs on them

Phil: AWESOME!

Shamrock: Times advanced 2 hours to...

Sal: 3 now..

Jon: I think its chucking out time..

Shamrock: Its your bar, Jon!

Jon: Oh yeah..

Jon vomits on the floor, his eyes twitching

Jon: I’ll clean it up later..

Sal: Wow..I think we’re...drunk beyond time, fellas..

Phil: I ain’t. I’m sober

Sal: Really Phil?..

Phil stands up and falls to the floor

Phil: FUCK! I’M FALLING!

He holds onto the floor, as if for dear life, until Steve, rosy cheeked, laughs and tumbles on top of him, dragging him up

Dean Martin: You know you’re drunk if you can’t lay on the floor without holding on!

Brick: DEAN MARTIN?!

Dean Martin looks at them

Martin: YOU DIDN’T SEE ANYTHING!!! ...Right?!?!?!

All: GOTCHA!!

He vanishes in a blue haze

Couture: Was that the drink or the insanity talking?

The door opens and Tavi and Wolf enter, looking at Phil and Steve

Wolf: We’ve came to take the men home..

Phil watches through the open door as Sabin starts to unicycle past uneasily, slowly being chased by a highly drunk, crawling Obese Maurice

Phil: Classic..

Tavi and Wolf walk in, and Frank crashes through the door with a bra on his head

Frank: I AM..BRA MAN!!

He makes a superhero pose.

Silence.

Sal: You’re fucking weird

Frank: SILENCE! YOU SHALL NOT CHALLENGE BRA MAN!

Couture: Bra mans fucking weird.

Steve: Is he real?

Steve squints slightly and falls off his stool

Brick: Dude! You like totally fell!

Screaming Mantis runs in, wearing only a long vest covering her body and thighs

Mantis: Frank! Frank!

Frank: IT IS..BRA MAN!!

Phil slowly stands up and raises his hand to speak, but slowly falls forward and flat on his face

Mantis: Ok Bra Man..wanna go for round two in the Mantis Pub?

Frank: DO I EVER!!!

Wolf: Is that a sex joke, Mantis?

Mantis: Try it Wolfy baby..it’s called drunken sex! You’d love it!

MAntis jiggles her chest slightly and pulls Frank out of the Dog and Handgun. Brick stumbles up

Brick: Well..i’m-a...g’night

Brick falls onto the strip club podium and starts snoring loudly, with Mr. Moneypennies wriggling out his pocket and slithering towards the bar

Mr. Moneypennies: Where all da snake wimmen at?!?!?!

Wolf: Ok you two..c’mon..

Phils head shoots up, sniffing the air

Phil: KEBABS!!!!!!!

Billy:@ But..Deans..here?

Dean: KARAB!!

All but Steve and Phil charge out. Wolf restrains both of them

Phil: Ya used to be fun Wolf! YA USED TO BE FUN!

She leans dfown and french kisses him violently. Phil lashes out, screaming before she breaks it

phil: YOU FUCKING PSYCHOPATH!!!!!!!

Wolf: Now..c’mon

Phil and Steve stumble up and Wolf sighs, linking arms with Tavi and walking into the street. They watch as Moe runs past in a bikini, chasing Jimmy with a whip

Phil: Dude..you totally see that?!

Steve: Yeah dude..like...woooooowww..

Bob and Octopus walk by. Bob looks at Phil who quickly pulls himself free of Wolfs grip

Bob: My God..Phil?! WHAT HAPPENED?!

Wolf: What do you mean?

Bob: Phil..drunk? No. It can’t be!! WHAT AMBUSH?! WHERE?!?!?

Octopus walks over and takes his arm

Octopus: Bob..I think Phils drunk

Bob: What? How?

Phil looks up at the sky and points, screaming

Phil: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! SHOOP DA WOOP!!! HE’S-A CHARGING HIS LAZER!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Bob: Oh. THAT. You can’t blame me for not realizing, I thought he was acting normal!

Wolf: So..you two went drinking?

Octopus and Bob snigger

Octopus: Drinking? Wolf. Friend. We went for a DATE.

Wol: Da...te?

Octopus: You know: A date.

Wolf tilts her head and shakes her head

Octopus: You serious? Phil never took you out on a date when you two were together?

Tavi: Hey! Wolf! We can go out on a date one time!

Wolf: What is this date thing? It sounds interesting

Shelley and Sabin ride by on horses, stopping beside them and making the Motor City Machineguns hand gesture. Sabin slaps Shelleys horse and it rears up wildly. Shelley screams and falls off, hanging off with one foot in the stirrup

Shelley: FUUUUUCKKK!!! SABIN!!!!!! YOU CUNT!!!

Sabin looks back and screams as Fedor Emelianenko points at them

Fedor: THEY! THEY STOLE MY LAST PACKET OF PEANUTS!

Sabin: RUN SHELLEY! RUN!

Sabins horse rides off quickly, and Shelley dangles there, flailing wildly. Octopus walks over and slaps the horse, it rears up wildly and shoots off, with Fedor in quick chase

Shelley: THANK YOU CRAZY LAAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyy.......

Octopus: Everyone gets one.

Wolf: So...date?

Octopus: You go out. A meal, a movie, a romantic sightseeing...we just went to the little lake in the small forest on the outskirts of this desert? Wow. Really beautiful when the moon catches it!

Wolf: Awwwwww!! Lets go there, Tavi!!

Octopus: I’;ll give you the directions later!

Wolf: Wow! And a dinner?

Bob: Yes! Take eachother to a nice restaurant, have a great meal and split the check!

Wolf: WOW!!

Phil: NO! DON’T FIRE YOUR LAZER! NO LAZER!!

Wolf shoves Phil to the ground, listening to Octopus. Phil gets on all fours and starts running around in circles. Steve gets on all fours and they run at eachother, headbutting eachother and making barking noises. Tavi sighs and rubs her tail achily, grabbing Phil and dragging him to his feet

Octopus: We’ll give you the locations later, me and Bob are gonna relax..

Bob waves goodbye and starts to walk off, Octopus leans in

Octopus (Quietly): We’re gonna rock the house down to its foundations. Watch and learn

She winks and runs after Bob, jumping on his back and wrapping her arms around him, both vanishing into the night

Wolf: Lets get the dogs home then..

Phil and Steve slowly stumble around

Phil: Hi-ho..hi-ho..off to home we go...

Tavi: Me and Wolf are gonna check out Drebins first..

Phils brain: Oh. Shit.

Tavi: I can’t believe my silver locket went missing..

Phils brain: OH SHIT.

Tavi: I am going to tear the throat out of whoever sold it..It means more to me than anyones life..

Phils brain: Thats it. I’m putting in for donorship.

Phil: WHY?!

Phils brain: Stop talking aloud you cunt! THAT’S WHY YOU MORON!!

Silence. Staring.

Tavi: Was it you?

Phil: Pfft. If it was, I would have moved out of this place when I did.

Tavi walks forward and pecks his cheek

Tavi: You can be such a sweetie.

Silence. Wolf and Tavi link arms and walk towards Drebins, where Drebin is sitting outside in a deckchair, giggling to himself and drinking Cobra

Steve: Phil...did you lie?

phil: I..don’t know!

Steve: Did you steal it and sell it?

Phil: I..don’t know!

Both men wrap an arm around the other shoulders and stumble over and up the steps, as soon as they enter their house and shut it, there’s a knock on the door. Phil walks forward and answers it. Johan and Big Bad Bobby are stood there

Johan: Phil. Triumph motorcycle you order here. Thanks for money. I LIKE YOU PHIL!!

Johan leans forward and bearhugs him groggily before putting him down and walking off, hiccuping

Phil: .........Ah shit.

Phil and Steve open the door and shut it. Phil slowly walks down the steps and strokes the motorcycles chrome handlebars

phil: Always wanted a Triumph Thunderbird 1956..

Steve: Looks purty!

Silence. Sound of slamming. Tavi walking out of Drebins shop carrying her locket and sobbing into Wolfs shoulder.

Steve: You better hide that thing!!

Phil tears a note from the gas tank and opens it

Haha! Gotcha this after hocking Tavis locket! Best of luck mate!

Will -x-

Phil looks down at the note. Tavi storms over and grabs his shirt collar

Tavi: YOU SON OF A BI--

Steve stops her and points to the note. Silence.

Phil: Steve...Get the nutcrackers.

Steve: ..Why?

Phil looks up

Phil: Cause Wills about to lose his studlin.

Tavi: Phil..you didn’t hock the locket?

Phil: Does it look like i’m stupid enough to do that?!

Phils brain: Well, you are.

Phil slaps his temple

phils brain: OW! YOU BITCH!

Tavi: Oh..Phil..you still care..

Tavi looks at him and grins before looking back at Wolf, who grins widely

Tavi: We can give you one better...

Phil stares at them

Phil: Oh lord, please not that.

Tavi: If me and Wolf spent the night with you..who would protect Will..from the almighty violent wrath of Raging Raven?

Phil stares at her.

Phils brain: On one hand, you have psychological and physical destruction..on the other, sex and Wills annihalation.

Phil keeps thinking for too long. Tavi and Wolf grab his arms and start to drag him into the house

phil: NO! STOP! I DIDN’T CONSENT! DID NOT CONSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNTT!!!!

They drag him into the house and lock the door. Will runs out of his flat, his back on fire and screaming wildly, running down the street. Raging Raven jumps over the steps and gives chase at inhuman speeds

Raven: I WANT YOUR BLOOD ON TOAST WILL STUDLIN! I WANT YOU TO DIE!! DIE!!

Frank slowly pokes his head out of the door and points

Frank: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

Screaming Mantis walks out, wearing a silk robe and wraps her arms around Frankls back. Frank grins and turns to her

Frank: How about sex by the fireplace?

Bobs voice from his and Octopus’s bedroom: WE DON’T HAVE A FIREPLACE!!

Silence. Frank stares at the fire caused by Raven in the middle of the floor.

Mantis: Who cares? Lets rock.

Frank screams in joy and slams the door as the scene fades.

A Very Mercenary Christmas

Outside, in the Middle Eastern street and sands is a bitter, cold wind blowing through every nook and cranny. Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. These houses were still and silent..but little did they know, the magic of Christmas was about to touch them. Especially in one house, where the cold chill was killed by a fire in the fireplace, created by one very excited individual waiting to open presents.....

Steve: Phil....

Phil stays asleep

Steve: Phhiiiiilllllll.......

Phil snores and Wolf jumps on the bed

Wolf: PHIIIIIIILLLLL!!!

Phil screams and scrambles for his Colt on his bedside table, falling out of bed and smashing his face off the floor.He groans and pulls himself up

Phil: What..WHAT?!

Steve and Wolf: IIIIIIIT’S CHRIIIIIIIISSSSSSSTTTTTMMMMMMASSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!

Phil: Awesome..

He looks at the clock: 4:51am

Phil: Go back to sleep..

Will opens his window, revealing his hair in curlers

Will: WILL YOU TWO KEEP IT DOWN?! SOME OF US NEED OUR BEAUTY SLEEP!

Steve leans out of the bedroom window

Steve: OHMYGODWILLITSCHRISTMAS!!

Will: CHRISTMAS!! OH MY GOD!! GET THE STREET UP!!

Frank slowly walks into Wills room, half unconscious, baggy eyed and only wearing boxers

Will: OH MY GOD!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?!

Frank: Turn on the light!

Will scrambles and switches on the light. They both scream and cover their eyes

Frank: TURN OFF THE LIGHT! TURN OFF THE LIGHT!

Jon bangs on his window and flips it open

Jon: Keep it down guys! Some of us are trying to sleep!

Brick: It’s Christmas man!!

Jon: OH MY GOD!! CHRISTMAS!!

Jon scrambles up in bed and switches on the lamp on the bedside table

Jon: Christmas?! Oh my god! Get up! We’ll see what Santa left us!

Phil is now fully awake. He stands next to Steve and looks out the window. Dave pulls up the window and leans up, looking down the street. Sal, Brick, Billy and Vince are looking at them from their houses bedroom.

Vince: What the--The lights?

Sal: It’s Christmas time again!!!

Vince: OH FUCKING YES!!! GET UP YOU BASTARD!! PRESENTS!!

Sal scrambles out of his bed and knocks over his water, diving to the foot of the tree and hugging a red present with a gold ribbon

Sal: MY BABY!!!!!!

Billy hops over Sal and grabs onto several wrapped boxes, laughing madly

Brick: Wow..the maturity levels just reached an all-time low

Vince: WET WILLY!

He spits on his finger and jams it into Bricks ear. Brick screams and dances around, swiping at his ear

Vince: YOU SICK FUCK! THAT WAS A LOOGY!

Down the street, the mechanics are awakening in El Chopshop Grande

Johan: What up?

Bobby: Hey! Johan! Merry Christmas!

Johan: Christmas! Phil tell me! Good time of year! Happy celebration fun!

They both run downstairs into the main garage where a tree made of nuts and bolts is erected with several presents underneath

Johan: PREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTTTTTTSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!
That Hispanic Guy scrambles out of his bed and kicks open the door, running down the stairs of the Lamb and Flag into the pub, followed by That Other Random Guy

That Other Random Guy: presents presents presents presents!!!!!!!!!

Dick falls out of his folding bed and scrambles up, sliding it into the wall and putting some bottles back

Dick: huh--we--open--wha? CHRISTMAS!!

Tom Morello dashes in, wearing long pyjamas and still carrying his guitar

Morello: OH! A JOYOUS TIME!

That Hispanic Guy looks at Morello

That Hispanic Guy: You sleep with that--

Morello: YOU HAVE A PROBLEM?!

That Hispanic Guy: No! No no no!

Obese Maurice runs down the stairs

Maurice: CHRIMBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! MOE!!! GET YO ASS UP!!!

Moe starts hopping down the stairs

Moe: Christmas? Already?

The door to the Lamb and Flag flies open, and the camera pans to El Chopshop Grande where That Hispanic Guy, That Random Guy and That Other Random Guy have stormed into. Bobby the mechanic slides the door open, peering out happily

Bobby: Wow...everyones up!

A large blue portal appears and Johnny Cash, wearing a santa hat, peers through it

Bobby: What the--

Cash: You didn’t see anything!

He quickly vanishes. Dean wakes up in the flat above his kebab shop and falls out of bed

Dean: DAMN!

He slowly gets up and opens the window, looking out at Sal, Vinces, Billys and Bricks house, where Billy is unwrapping his present

Billy: BELLS WHISKEY!!! BUT HOW??!?!?! TO HERE?!

Sal taps the side of his nose. In his kebab shop, Karab, Deans bubbly Indian friend and co-owner, and Dean turn to their own Christmas tree, kneeling next to it and picking up the present from Steve

Dean: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit’s--

He unwraps it to reveal a solid gold Bowie Knife

Dean: YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Karab: You like?

Dean slices through the air and grins

Dean: IT SLICES! IT DICES! IT LOOKS THE SHIZZLE!

Karab grins and nods. Dean hands him a golden key

Dean: Karab! Your Christmas gift...IS THE KEBAB SHOP!

Karab: OH MY GOD! MR. WILKINSON SIR!! OH MY GOD!!! HOW CAN I EVER RE-PAY YOU?!?!?!

Dean: I live rent-free in the above apartment.

Karab: DEAL!!!

Meanwhile, Johan walks out into the cold street, wearing a brand new beanie hat with his brand new accessory belt

Johan: Johan going to cry! Johan happy at gifts!

Maurice stumbles into the streets, bawling loudly as he carries 10 cases of SoBe

Maurice: THERE IS A GOD! THERE IS A GOD!

Will answers his cellphone as he trims his moustache with he sterling silver scissors Dave gave him

Will: Yello?

Moe The Midget is on the other end, wearing a sharp black tuxedo

Moe: Oi! Thanks for the gift Will! Now I look good without having to repeatedly wash and dry shit only for a tight fit!

Will: Everyone deserves to look good Moe! Have a Merry Christmas!

They both put the phone down at the same time

Moe and Will: Owwwwwwwww!

Steve hands Phil a box wrapped in gold paper and he rips it open

Phil: Oh..Steve! It’s beautiful!

Phil pulls out a large silver-plated pistol and looks down the sights, clutching it tightly

Phil: You heightened the sight! Makes it easier to aim manually! Eliminates the need to use one-eye!

He pats the handle and feels the cartridge

Phil: The handles been modified to allow large cartridges in! But the normal slides end up being lighter! The hollow handle allows minimum kickback and lighter hold!

He pulls back the slide

Phil: The slides whittled down too, so its not as chunky! The grooves make it easier to grip, and the hammer is extra grooved to make it easier on the thumb!

He examines the trigger

Phil: The triggers been modified to make it lighter and easier to fire! THIS IS THE ULTIMATE WEAPON!

Steve, who has half-fallen asleep, wakes up and grins

Steve: Knew you’d like it!

Phil hugs Steve and ruffles his hair

Phil: Fucking sweet dude! You even got me cartridges! Now open mine!

Steve rips open his present in record time to reveal a DVD of ‘The Good, The Bad and The Ugly’

Steve: My favourite film! Oh Phil! Sweet!

Phil: That ain’t the end Steve!

Phil hands him a photo, and Steve examines it.It’s a large truck with the words ‘Mercenary Energy’ in big blue letters on it with a silver AK

Phil: I hijacked a truck load of Mercenary Energy for ya! MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Steve: OHMYGODTHISISTHEBESTCHRISTMASTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!

Wolf: And me Phil?

Phil looks around. Silence.

Phil: Don’t tell anyone..

He hands her a small box covered with a red ribbon. She opens it and gasps loudly

Wolf: OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Steve: What? What’d he get you?!?!

Wolf: It’s...beautiful!

She pulls out a sterling silver watch with several charms attached to it and clips it onto her wrist, admiring it

Wolf: Oh..Phil..

That Hispanic Guy, Will and Dave are latched to the window

Dave: Hey look! Phil has feelings! Let’s tell everyone!

Phil: NO! BACK YOU FUCKERS!

He rolls up a newspaper and advances, causing them to scream and run away

Wolf: Oh..wait! Something else!!!

Phil: Something else?

phils brain: You don’t remember?

Wolf was scrambling through the wrapping paper curiously

Phil: No..

Phils brain: You were so drunk on christmas spirit....and on Guinness..that you wrote a slip saying ‘I.O.U one of whatever you want’.

Phil: .....Oh. Fuck.

Phils brain: Yup...you can just stop and guess right now, buddy boy.

Phil: .....Fuck.

Wolf: Oh...Phil....

She crawls close to him and whispers in his ear

Wolf: You always know what i’ll pick..

Phils brain: Not only did you dig your own grave, you shot yourself! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Phil grabs a ball of wrapping paper and jams it into his ear

Phils brain: OW!!

Phil: Heheh..

Jon and Brick are sitting in their flat above the Dog and Handgun,, surrounded by wrapping paper. Brick stares down at his new stockpile of M80 firecrackers and grins

Jon: Oi! No no no! Those are for mission use!

Brick: Awww...

Jon: Now feed Mr. Moneypennies!

Brick cheers and claps his hands rapidly, wandering over to a brand new glass-tank where a baby anaconda is slithering about, staring up at Brick with bright eyes

Brick: Ooo Mr. Moneypennies! I bet you’re hungry!

Brick opens a drawer and a mouse wanders in from a hole in the back. Brick grabs it and slides off the top, dropping the mouse in and sliding the lid shut

Brick: EAT INTO THE CASKS NOW MOTHERFUCKER!!

The anaconda pounces on the mouse and squeezes it tightly, biting it repeatedly

Mr. Moneypennies: That’s right you fucking mouse! Don’tcha even move cause I will bite yo ass to fucking hell, beeotch!

Brick: I can’t believe he talks!

Jon: Yeah..found him near the reactor! He’s only a baby yet he talks!

Mr. Moneypennies: Yo, Brick dude, thanks for the mouse!

He burps out a mouse skeleton and Brick gives the thumbs up

Brick: FUUUUUUUUUUUCK YEEEEEEEEAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Jon grabs his brand new Dolce and Gabbana wash kit and goes into the bathroom. Laughing Octopus looks out of the window, wearing a new golden watch. Bob walks into their room, clutching two tentacles close to him

Bob: Wow honey! Great present! I HAVE MY OWN TENTACLES!

Laughing Octopus turns to him and smiles, posing with the watch

Laughing Octopus: How do I look?

Bob: Like a queen!

Octopus pounces on him. That Hispanic Guy walks down into the pub of the Lamb and Flag, wearing his poncho from Johan with a hispanic pride in his eye.

That Hispanic Guy: Bueno!

That Random Guy walks into the streets wearing gold-leaf boxer shorts Will bought for him. Dave parts the curtain, and stares wide-eyed at it, coughing out eggnog

Dave: JESUS!!!!!

He quickly draws the curtains. Frank runs into the street with the crates of whiskey under his hand, weeping loudly

Frank: OH GOD I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!

Phil watches from the bedroom window with Steve

phil: Y’know, I think I had a nightmare about this once.

Steve: The end of the world caused by drinking?

Phil: I always thought Frank was taller in the dream..guess the armageddon isn’t picky

Morello runs down the street, cackling loudly at his new silver guitar

Morello: MY BABY! I LOVE MY BABY!

Phil: Yeah, get ready for judgment day

Will walks out of the door and looks around the street, his moustache waxed and buffed and wearing a sapphire coloured suit with matching tie, black dress suit and blue leather dress shoes. He looks around as Raging Raven walks out of the Dog and Handgun, carrying a bundle of new clothes over her shoulder

Will: HEY! RAVEN! YOU LIKE?!

She grins and gives the thumbs up

Will: I know..I look good..

Billy walks out of his, Sals, Vinces and Bricks flat, carrying a new sabre

Billy: PHIL!!

Phil leans out of the window and Billy unsheathes the sabre

Billy: MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Phil gives a thumbs up and grins. Vince puts on his new pair of sunglasses and hops into his bright red Ferrari Enzo, looking at the steering wheel

Vince: THANK YOU SAL!!!

Sal walks out, wearing a tuxedo and a monocle, holding a crystal carafe filled with Armagnac

Sal: And thank you Vince! Where on earth did you get the carafe?!

Vince: I stole it from H. Samuels! They wanted three-thousand quid..I got a five-fingered discount! Hehe! But SAL! THE FERRARI!

Sal: Ahh..don’t mention it!

Vince: Anyway, heard they’re preparing christmas dinner down in the square, ready?!

Sal climbs into his Bugatti Veyron and starts up the engine violently

Sal: YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!

==

Frank walks into the street, dressed in a white shirt, black tie, jeans and cowboy boots where a huge line of tables has been set-up, covered in red paper and decorated with countless plates, crackers, candles and tinsel adorning the chairs

Dick: Looking good boss Hog!

Frank: Phil got me the boots..Apparently he killed the snake himself!

Dick: That would explain the slash marks..and the blood

Frank: Ahh..So..whats up? Ready?

Dick: Well, a few guys are cooking some shiut up to serve..we have to serve quite a lot of people, y’know!

An huge red stream of liquid fires out from the door of Frank, Bob, Dave and Wills flat and smashes the windows of the opposite, abandoned flat

Dave: CABBAGE IS READY!!

The windows are blown out by a huge stream of red wine

Octopus: Mulled Wines brewed!

The roof of Phil and Steves flat flies off in a mess of sage and meat

Phil: We got the stuffing balls!

Several popping sounds are heard as smoke rises

Steve: And the chestnuts!

Phil: Which AREN’T SUPPOSED TO BE ON FIRE!!

Wolf: GET THE EXTINGUISHER!!

Loud popping sounds are heard as blackened shells fly into the air.

Wolf: ...Chestnuts are done!!

A poisonous green gas floats out of the Dog and Handguns windows, causing Dick to hack and cough violently. Tom Morello walks into the streets and immediately collapses

Jon: Brussell Sprouts done!

That Random Guy: Brussell Sprouts....so it IS Christmas..

Dick: Shut up! You’ll eat them! Now go check on the turkey! And get ready ya scruffy git!

That Random Guy trudges off, wearing only boxers and socks into the Lamb and Flag. That Hispanic Guy walks out, wearing a gold and black suit with matching sunglasses

Frank: Heyyy..looking good!

That Hispanic Guy: Yeah, we’re studs!

Johan and Big Bad Bobby walk out, each wearing large tuxedos and carrying a tray of stuffing balls with a gravy boat the size of a window on it. They set them down on the table

Johan: Where turkey?

Phil: Yeah, but we got a joint of beef in our oven!

Phil appears, wearing an electric blue suit and army boots

Frank: Wow Phil...looking good!

Phil: Thanks scruffy!

Frank: Oi! I’m the leader, I dress how I want!

Will: Yeah! If he wants to dress like a cowboy hobo, let him!

Will appears with his sapphire-coloured suit and with Raging Raven by his side, who was wearing an emerald green suit practically identical to Wills

Frank: Yeahhhh..

Phil: Wow, looks like the whole Units getting plucky. This is the first time you’ve been with a woman, ain’t it Will?

Will: 2nd time, jackass..

Dick: And you forgot to count several hundred one night stands

Will: And that’s why they call me Studlin..but I got a good feeling about ol’ Raven here..she’s a pip..

Raven blushes and smiles

Raven: And I got a good feeling I won’t be killing Will..

Phil, Frank, Dick, Johan and That Hispanic Guy: Damn.

Will: SHUT UP YOU HATERS!!

He hisses at them and they wave it off, starting to place tablemats and crackers on the table. That Random Guy rushes out, tucking his shirt into his dress pants with a silver tie flailing wildly
That Random Guy: Turkeys tanned!

Dick: Ok! We’re almost ready!

Johan: Oh! Reminder! Bobby! I check pork!

Dick: 3 meats?! Sweet!

Johan rushes into the chop shop as That Other Random Guy surfaces, wearing a white shirt, red tie and black dress pants with leather slacks

That Other Random Guy: ..Damn! Everyone gets the dress jackets but me!

Dean walks out, laughing and wearing a sterling silver suit, walking like John Wayne, every step squeaking

Dean: Sorry *Beep*..but you is SLOOOOOOOOOW!

That Other Random Guy flings back his hand and smacks Dean in the crotch. Dean cries out and collapses. Will runs over and points to Deans whimpering form

Will: FATALITY!!

Tom Morello comes to, kips up to his feet and points at Dean

Morello: BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURNED!!

Zack De La Rocha walks on by and grabs Tom in a headlock, dragging him down the street. Steve walks out, wearing a bronze-plated suit

Will: ....Wow.

Phil: GO STEVE! LOOKING GOOD!

Steve: Thanks! *Beep* got me it!

That Hispanic Guy stands there, grinning

That Hispanic Guy: You’d love to see what else I can do with illegally-stolen cars!

Steve: Kinda hard to sit down though

Frank: I can only guess..

A Bugatti Veyron and Ferrari screech up the sandy street and handbrake turn, skidding at angles to a halt underneath the awning of an abandoned building. Sal and Brick step out of the Bugatti Veyron, wearing blue tuxedos

Dick: Wow.

Frank: That just screams ‘retentive git’

Will: Damn Frank! I was gonna say that!

Vince and Sal slowly walk towards the table, before looking back at the Ferrari

Sal: What’s keeping you both?!

Billys voice: I can’t open the door!

Sal sighs and pulls out a spare set of Ferrari keys, clicking a button and watching as the door slides open in the butterfly effect. Billy and Vince look out amused and step out

Vince: AWWWW..SWEET!!!

Sal clicks it again and the doors fall shut. Vince and Billy rush over

Vince: My car! AWESOME!

Frank: Looks like Sal dived into his families fund again..

Sal: Technically, it’s mine. I helped my Dad run those factories, so naturally I became the heir, and received a small amount!

That Hispanic Guy: And if your father dies?

Sal looks up proudly

Sal: I inherit two-hundred billion!

They all fall back slightly, gasping

Phil: OH MY GOD!!

Sal: Anyone could inherit it if--

Sals brain: Don’t be stupid. The next words out of your mouth better be ‘They buy two hundred factories’

Sal: They buy two hundred factories!

The mercenaries moan and kick the sand, cursing

Sals brain: I owe you an idea!

Dave walks down the street, dressed in the attire of a military general, complete with helmet and medal strips on his breast

Frank: ...Wow

Dave: T’was my fathers, who kicked severe ass in both World Wars, kicked ass at Falklands, kicked ass at the Gulf and was a basic ass-kicker extraordinaire!

That Random Guy: ..How OLD was he when he died?

Dave: Died last year. Crashed his motorcycle trying not to spill his beer.

Silence.

Dick: FREAKING AWESOME!!

Frank: Practically everyones here, just waiting for the last few stragglers..

Crying Wolf and Screaming Mantis walk down the street, carrying trays covered in foil, and both strangely wearing tuxedos

Will: Seems like everyones wearing a suit!

Wolf: I find them..much more comfortable

Mantis places her tray on the table

Mantis: Frank...

Frank: *Beep*

Mantis looks at him

Mantis: Not in public..

Will runs over and puts his arms around both of them

Will: Ooooo? Something going on between the two leaders of the two units?

Frank and Mantis throw their fists back, punching him in the face and knocking him out

Dick: But there is, isn’t there?

Frank: Let's have Christmas dinner!

Obese Maurice walks out, wearing a huge green suit. He looks down at Dean and grabs him, lifting him straight onto his feet

Dean: Thanks Maurice

Maurice: No problem lad, just remember to guard the crotch at all times or ya will end up on the street kidda!

Dean: ...Gotcha

Moe the Midget wanders out, wearing a tuxedo

Moe: Wow..everyones doing great!

Jon walks out, wearing a yellow suit and carrying two casks of whiskey. Frank stares at him and falls to his knees

Frank: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOZE!!!!!!!!!

Everyone stares

Frank: Sorry...carnal instinct

Sal: You’re insane!

Jon: Thank god I left the Guinness at home!

Phil: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Everyone stares

Phil: Sorry, forcive habit..

Brick comes out with Mr. Moneypennies wrapped around his wrist

Will: Nice snake, Brick

Mr. Moneypennies: Thanks my son! You look fine yoself!

Will: Thanks snake dude!

Karab: A talking snake...whatever next?

Maurice: Ya saying that when we’ve had a murderous robot unit, Slash, The Rat Pack, a blue portal and Samoa Joe?!?!??!

Karab: Yes.

Maurice clenches his fist and pulls it back, but ruffles Karabs hair

Maurice: You picky shit.

Dick: IS EVERYONE DONE YET?!

Brick: Yeah, I think we’ve got everyone..

John, Jim, Jimmy and Bill walk down, wearing tuxedos and accompanied by several PMC troopers

Jimmy; Hi guys!

Phil: NOW it’s Christmas!

That Hispanic Guy: How are the bit parts?

Jimmy: Not bad! Just got a christmas truce like World War 1!

Praying Mantis PMC Troop: Yup! A ceasefire for some food!

Jim: Wow..smells good!

Dean: Let’s rock! Everyones here!

Cash: Not everyone!

A blue portal appears behind them and Johnny Cash, Slash, Tom Morello, Zack De La Rocha, Brad Wilk, Timmy C, Frank Sinatra, Samoa Joe, Kurt Angle, Chris Sabin, Alex Shelley, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., Jeff Jarrett and Al Bundy appear. A beam of light shines down and Chuck Norris floats down to harp music before landing

Chuck Norris: Got extras?

Dick: GET THE FOOD!!

The mercenaries yell and start to rush towards their houses.

=======

With everyone sat at the decorated 3 long tables in the middle of the sandy street, Dick walks out out of the Lamb and Flag, carrying a large turkey in a tray with a towel. The mercenaries ‘ooh’ and aah’ as he places it on the middle table. Steve emerges from his flat carrying a tray with a huge joint of beef. The crowd cheers and bangs their forks on the table loudly as Steve places the joint on the top table. Johan walks out, carrying a whole roast pig in a huge industrial-sized tray, and places it on the bottom table to loud cheers

Dick: GRUBS UP!!

There’s a huge cheer as the mercenaries dive for the nearest plates. Steve quickly grabs the beef and hacks off several slices, flipping them randomly onto peoples plates. Phil takes a mouthful and grins

Phil: Hey..Steve..Good work on the joint!

Steve: Aye!

Morello: Mm..delicious!

Phil: Gravys a secret recipe!

Johan: You like pork?

Dick: Nice..succulent..how’d ya cook it?

Bobby: Half an hour over a jet engine on a spit!

Dick, Johnny Cash and Samoa Joe stop chewing, but laugh and continue to chew.

Karab: Wow..this turkeys good..

Frank: try some of this wine!

Frank downs another glass and pours some more into his glass

Dave: Trust Frank to go for the hair of the dog..

They all chuckle and Frank grins, shrugging

Frank: Break character I won’t!

Screaming Mantis: Kudos to the turkey cookers!

That Random Guy and That Other Random Guy hi-5. Obese Maurice eats his vegetables slowly

Maurice: I say, this cauliflower cheese is quite esoteric, I say you must try it Vincent!

Vince: Uhhh...ok..

Vince grabs a spoonful and places it on his plate, taking a forkful and putting it in his mouth

vince: OH GOD! There’s an orgy in my mouth!

Mr. Moneypennies: Oo..that turkey look nice Brick dude!

The snake slithers off Bricks arm and onto the plate, taking a huge bite of turkey

brick: Woah! Slow down Mr. Moneypennies!

Mr. Moneypennies: Ah..my shizzle dude!

Dean sits, staring at his plate of pork. He pokes it with his fork uneasily. Moe leans over with a mouth full of stuffing

Moe the Midget: You gonna eat that?

Dean: Where’s the spice? The grease?

Karab: Ah, Mr. Wilkinson sir! All food is not spiced and greased! We live a corrupt lifestyle and so must eat twice as much over Christmas to make up for it!

Deans eye twitches slightly and Jon pats him on the back

Jon: Eat up you moron!

Chuck Norris telepaths the gravy boat to his plate and heaps it onto his beef before passing it to Samoa Joe

Samoa Joe: We all got christmas at our homes..why are we here?

Kurt Angle: Don’t complain Joe! It’s Christmas! A season of good will to all men!

Samoa Joe: And mercenaries?

Steve: That’s a biggie! Don’t forget that!

Dick: You gonna make a toast, Frank?

Frank puts his empty pint glass onto the table

Frank: Toast?

Phil: Toast. You know..for the brave mercenaries who went out this year and kicked some ass while being very random about it?

Crying Wolf: Yeah!

Phil: You’re not a mercenary..in fact, in the past you’ve tried to kill us!

Wolf: Oh Phil! Let it go!

Phil: Not until you apologize for crushing my ribs!

Wolf: Oh..Phil! That is so several months ago!

Will: You are so goddamn insane..

Will starts licking plate his clean

That Hispanic Guy: ...Ew

Bob is busy eating his turkey, wearing a christmas paper hat

Bob: Wow..Christmas with you insane people! Never thought it would happen!

Dave: IT IS!

Dave smashes the neck of his beer bottle over his head and starts drinking

Laughing Octopus: You know..normal people use a bottle opener..

Bob: But where’s the fun in that?

Dave gives the thumbs up

Dave: Hear hear!

Johan passes some chestnuts to That Random Guy

Johan: Chestnuts good with stuffing. Johan now like chestnuts!

That Random Guy: Here, try my roast potatoes!

That Random Guy drops a spoonful onto Johans plate. Johan skewers one on his fork and downs it in one, his eyes going haywire. He stands up

Johan: JOHAN DECLARE ROAST POTATO AS GOD FOOD!

Silence. Johan sits down.

Johan: Johan thought it would be good to hail friends food.

Al: Anyone tried the home brew yet?

Dean: Al..The Half Moon has won the best brewers award for 4 years running..besides which, Franks on his 3rd crate

Al raises his pint. The table watches.

Al: Here’s to good ol’ British Christmas dinner! Wherever the Brits go, we take our lovely customs!

Everyone raises their glasses

Everyone: Hail Britain!

That Hispanic Guy stands up

That Hispanic Guy: And here’s to the multi-ethnic cultures who form the backbone of everyone by providing hard work! AND HERE’S TO OUR COOL LANGUAGES AND CULTURES YOU PUTOS ET PUTAS!

Everyone: Hail Cultures!

Steve stands up

Steve: Here’s to breathing!

Everyone raises their glasses

All: Hail breathing!

Steve stands there, grinning

Steve: Hail breathing! HAIL BREATHING!

Jimmy stands up

Jimmy: Here’s to the spirit of no man getting left behind!

Everyone raises their glasses

Everyone: Until the going gets tough!

Billy stands up

Billy: Here’s to the most diverse force of bastards, gits, assholes, asskickers, maimers and insane people in the world!

Everyone raises their glassses high

All: Hail mercenaries!

Chuck Norris stands up

Chuck Norris: Here’s to the cameo appearances from famous people who appear to help us out, and who wouldn’t make the adventure half as fun! Or easy!

All: HAIL FAMOUS PEOPLE!

Sal stands up

Sal: here’s to us

Everyone stands up

Everyone: To us!

They all sit down, cheering, except Frank

Frank: And here’s to you all! An ass-kicking, head-smashing group of insane psychopaths who never turn their backs on anything! To a group of individuals who give a new meaning to under-dog, but fight until their bones turn to granite! To a force of people willing to fight for everything they believe in! HEre’s to us mercenaries, the unsung heroes!

All: TO MERCENARIES!!

Everyone stands up and cheers wildly. Vince starts sobbing into Sals shoulder

Vince: SO BEAUTIFUL! SO BEAUTIFUL!

Sal: it’s ok..it’s all true..

Dean, That Random Guy, That Other Random Guy and That Hispanic Guy group hug. Obese Maurice, Moe the Midget and Dick Head group hug and raise their pints. Frank, Will, Steve, Crying Wolf, Screaming Mantis, Bob, Phil, Bill and Dave all group together and hi-5. Jimmy, Jim and Bill all group together and start chatning ‘Mercenary!’. The cameo appearances are still getting on with their dinner as Al pulls out a British flag and waves it, singing the national anthem. Billy, Johan and Bobby all share bearhugs, while Raging Raven and Will start making out

Dick: NOW WHO WANTS PUDDING?!

All: PUDDING!!!

Everyone mobs Dick, screaming at the top of their lungs

====

Frank sits on the steps of his flat, watching as the final lights go out. Dave walks out and pats his shoulder

Dave: How do, Frank?

Frank: Do great..give us a light?

Dave reaches into the flat and grabs a box of matches, striking one of the box and lighting a cuban cigar in Franks mouth. He takes a few puffs and gives a sigh of happiness

Frank: I love being head of mercenaries..you know that? feels like we’re a big, happy family on days like these..

Dave: That we are..hey..where is everyone, anyway?

Frank: Home.

Dave: But Bob?

Frank: Ahh..Bobs taken octopus to the lake..date, y’know..soppy crap

Dave: And Will?

Frank: Giving Raven the Studlin treatment.

Dave: Come to think of it..never saw Johan go home--

Frank: Johan and Bobby have went to the Lamb and Flag.

Dave: Ahh..

Frank nods and puffs the cigar

Frank: Earthy..yet woody..

Dave: Mm. Nice. And Sal?

Frank: Sals getting his car buffed..

Dave: And Phil and Steve?

Frank takes a deep puff of the cigar and blows the smoke out slowly

Frank: Steves gone for a drink at the Half Moon..but Phil..Thats the strangest thing...

In Phil, Steve and Wolfs flat, Phil slowly comes to and sits up

Phil: Oh..god..I had the worst nightmare..

He looks up, where Wolf is sitting on the bed, wearing skimpy lingerie

Phil: ..No..just..no..

Wolf: Y’know Phil..you’ve been awfully nice to me lately..so I figured it wouldn’t be nice to leave you..empty handed..You go through so much pain..so much misery..gunbattles, robot battles, barfights--

Phil looks up

Phil: Death CAN’T be this busy!

Wolf: --So..get ready to strap in..and feel the Gs

Phil: I’d love to..but

He gives a fake sneeze

Phil: I’m allergic to sex..

Wolf: Bullshit, get on the bed. NOW.

Phil: No.

Wolf: Yes..

Phil: Make me.

Phils Brain: Wait..SHIT! YOU IDIOT!

Wolf stands up and grabs him by his collar, dragging him up and onto the bed, pinning him down

Wolf: Ready for 6 hours of fun?

Phil: STOP! MY INSIDES ARE SHRIVELLING! I CAN’T SURVIVE 6--NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
==

Frank hears the screams and waves it off

Dave: ..Weird

Frank: Go get some rest..it’s been a big day..

Dave: You too Frank!

Frank: A man needs to enjoy his cigar..

Dave pats his shoulder and shuts the door. Frank watches the setting sun and takes a deep puff again, breathing it out his nostrils

Frank: Peaceful..

A few flakes of snow fall and he stands up, throwing his cigar butt into the street where it blows gently in the wind. He turns around--

Mantis: Frankkkk...

Frank stops

Frank: Mantis?

He turns around and sees Mantis with her hands on his chest

Mantis: Baby..let’s go back to my place and get cosy..

Frank: I’d love to..but--

Franks brain: Bobs dead

Frank; Bobs dead

Mantis: I just saw him at the lake, skinny dipping with Occy..Come on Frank..

Franks brain: Fuck.

Frank: You have a flat?

Mantis: Sorta..

Frank: Ok..this I gotta see--

Franks brain: NO! REVERSE! UNDO! ESCAPE! CITARIL!

Mantis: Sure! Follow me!

Frank stands there, dumbstruck. But he shrugs and follows her
--
Frank: Wow..

Mantis beckons to the room of a one-room flat, decorated in pictures of unicorns

Mantis: Heh..I love unicorns..

Frank: ...THIS IS INSANE! But cute..

Mantis makes a ‘come here’ sign with her index finger. Frank turns and watches the final lights of the city go out. He smirks and turns to Mantis, who lays on her bed

Mantis: Rooowwww...

Frank: Heh...Grrrowwwlll..

He smirks and lays on top of her, slowly turning off the light as the scene fades.



===

All the mercenaries are in the town square, accompanied by a large band

All: Come and sing with me, proper chrimbo!
I take you for a drink with me, proper chrimbo!
Put up your Christmas tree, proper chrimbo!
So excited you might wee, proper chrimbo! proper chrimbo!

Frank rushes in front of the panning camera and holds it still on him

Frank: On the seven days of Christmas my true love came to me..

He gives the thumbs up to Screaming Mantis

A peregrine falcon, proper bo I tell thee,
She had two trainers and a beanie hat,
A new set of headphones all shining black!
I didn't sleep that night,
For Santa to come,
I wet the bed, that's what I had done,
Cos Christmas time is the place to be,
I always wake up in a puddle of wee,
With a ho ho and a silent night,
A little chipolata I'll be feeling alright

Steve rushes in front of the camera with a chipolata on a fork

Turkeys on the table, which brings a crowd!
Celebrate chrimbo I tell thee all!!!!!!

All: Come now sing with me, proper chrimbo,
Jimmy: selecta!
I take you for a drink with me, proper chrimbo,
Billy: selecta!
Hold up your Christmas tree, proper chrimbo,
Dean: selecta!
So excited you might wee, proper chrimbo! proper chrimbo!

The camera pans on Will, wearing a sequinned black suit standing beside Raging Raven in a lacy burlesque outfit

Will: You-whoo.
Ho, ho, ho.
I'm a bad mo-fo,
I got presents y'all for the two by two,
They goes watch out cos i got time for you!
Super funky and you're one of us!

Johan, That Hispanic Guy, Sal and Vince start breakdancing in the backgrounding

Watch out Santa cos here i come,
I sleep on the floor,
Never ever on the bed,
That's Santa's style, all in your head!
It's me dressed up, come sit on my knee,

Will sits back and Raven sits on his knee

Got gifts for y'all, what you got for me?
Chamone, chamone, chamone, chamone,
Chamone check, check tha-cone,
I said bubbles ain't a monkey,
She can move real funky,
Chamone check, check tha-cone
That's right, oww!!!!

Everyone jumps into the cameras path

All: Come now sing with me, proper chrimbo,
Phil: selecta!
Laughing Octopus: sing with meeeeee!
I take you for a drink with me, proper chrimbo,
Bob: selecta!
Will: Hee-hee!
Hold up your Christmas tree, proper chrimbo,
Sal: selecta!
So excited you might wee, proper chrimbo, proper chrimbo!!!

They watch as a blue portal appears and sucks the band up. Silence. Frank looks back at the empty stage and scratches his head

Frank: ay up, where's all t' band gone?
He shrugs and motions to the mercenaries

Frank: come on kids, help us out!
Sing with me
All: La la laa,
Frank: Check it out,
All: La la laa,
Frank: Can I get a rewind?
All: La la laa,
Frank: Well that were rea’ good..
All: Tra la la laa, tra la la laa, tra la la laa,
Frank: Come on now, let's get it together, you as well Kes!
Phil: SING WITH ME!
All (Jolly, happy tones): Come now sing with me, proper chrimbo!!!

Sal jumps in front of the camera

Sal: TAKE ME FOR A DRINK!!!
All: I take you for a drink with me, proper chrimbo

Steve wanders in front of the camera

Steve: Take you for a goat!!
Hold up your Christmas tree, proper chrimbo,
Crying Wolf: So excited!
All: So excited you might wee, proper chrimbo! proper chrimbo!! proper chrimbo!!!!
Frank: Can I get a beat change?!
All: Come now sing with me, proper chrimbo,
Crying Wolf: Sing with me!
All: I take you for a drink with me, proper chrimbo

Johan and Phil start to do the robot as Dave sets the tree on fire and starts to launch fireworks in random directions with the help of Al the Pub Landlord

Dick: I take you for a drink!
All: Hold up your Christmas tree, proper chrimbo!!!

Karab, Dean, Brick and Jon start to shake the Christmas tree, cackling loudly

Karab, Dean, Brick and Jon: Wave your Christmas tree!!!
All: So excited you might wee..so excited!!!! so excited!!! so excited!!!
Frank: O rea’ good, now come on sing with me!!!
All: Come now sing with me, proper chrimbo!!!
Crying Wolf: Sing with me!
All: I take you for a drink with me, proper chrimbo!!!

Dick jumps into the camera view, carrying a pint

Dick: I'll take you for a drink!!
All: Hold up your Christmas tree, proper chrimbo!!

Obese Maurice walks into the camera view with Moe the Midget on his shoulders, waving tinsel around

Maurice and Moe: Hold up your Christmas tree!!
All: So excited you might wee, proper chrimbo!!!
so excited!!! so excited!!! so excited!!!

The music starts to die down and Frank appears in front of the camera, grinning

have a proper bo crim... bo!

Steve shoves him out of the way

Steve: bumbal squat!

Everyone shoves into the view of the camera, laughing and grinning. Phil crawls over the top of everyones heads and looks directly into the camera

Phil: it's all because of the magic...Shazam!

=AUTHORS NOTE

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

It's doubtful I will have an update up to bring in 2009, so I want to wish you all the best of luck in Bringing in the New Year!

2008 saw the introduction of Metal Gear Mercenaries. In April, it was created and published. In September, it was made onto Blogger where it shall live forevermore. As such, 2009 will see Fish Hats, Mutated Vindaloo Monsters, Chocolate Pudding!!! The Teabag Of Ultimate Destiny, CHuck Norris' Beard Hair Viagra and much, MUCh more!

You stay classy readers! Keep kicking it random!=