At The Beach

The scene opens inside the Lamb and Flag. All the mercenaries are sat at different tables as Dick stands in front of the bar, tapping the wood and checking his watch with a sour look on his face. Will coughs and Brick lets out a squeaky fart. Sal turns to him and headbutts him, knocking him out instantly. Tavi and Wolf sit there, patiently, until Wolf coughs and punches the table

Wolf: I don’t understand why we’re waiting?!?!?!?!

Octopus: Wolf..Calm..We need to get every mercenary in! DIdn’t you two used to be such good friends?

The door flies open and Phil and Steve finally walk in. Phil looks absolutely pissed

Phil: WHY DOESN'T THE WORLD JUST DIE?!

Octopus: ...O..k

The whole bar turns to face him

Phil: Walking into an alley, I managed to find some unpicked dead bodies. Gold chains, watches. Everything was fine, going good,..until YOU!

Phil points at Steve

Phil: You decide to run around twirling that noise-tube in happiness. And that gets Snake onto us!!

Steve: Hey! I didn't know he was there!

Phil: THE BARREL HAD LEGS!!!

Steve: It might have been a walking barrel?

Phil: Steve..why is it everytime I get to know you, I keep on thinking the only reason you have a head is to keep rain out of your neck?

Steve shrugs

Phil: So, once Steve had vanished down an early and Snake had choked me enough. I noticed the rat Patrol standing over me

Phil spits out a tooth

Phil: Akiba and Meryl may be easy to get away, but when it comes to Ed and Jonathon..well.. Two bulking brickhouses don't take the words 'Fuck off' lightly..After they'd beaten me and taken the watches off the bodies, I finally managed to try and loot one..Now, is a body supposed to stand, and are you supposed to feel a hazy mind?

Steve: Ye--

Phil: NO! Because it turns out Psycho Mantis' spirit was floating around the area. he thought it would be nice to play a joke...so, after an hour of doing the funky chicken with my head wobbling, Psycho Mantis decided to make me forget the lyrics of Blue Bayeux before buggering off with the bodies! All I want is a nice, cool beer........Why are you all organized?

Dick: Ermm..mate..we've all organized a trip to the beach..

Phils eyes scan the room

Phil: Really Dick?.......

Dick: Yes, we're all going to the beach! Will, Steve, Brick, Jimmy, Billy, Jon, Johan, Big Bad Bobby, Maurice, Moe, Laughing octopus, Crying Wolf--

Phil: I’ll pass.

Frank: I like how he thinks he has a choice!

Phil screams

Phil: YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS!!WITH!!! HER!! THE TRAITOR!!

Frank: Do it or you’re fired.

He cries out helplessly and collapses backwards

Will: Poor guy.

==

As everyone starts to set up their places on the beach, Sal, Brick, Vince and Jon put down sunloungers as Phil and Vince lay down red towels next to eachother. Phil lays on his blanket and puts his arms behind his head

Phil: Well, i'll be fine after a beer..

He leans up and puts a hand on the cooler, but Vince slaps his hand off

Vince: Phil..

Phil: Can’t I get drunk? Frank always gets drunk!

Vince points to Frank, who is lying unconscious clutching a bottle of beer, his skin slowly getting red

Vince: The main difference is that he will be as red as a lobster

Wolf walks in front of Phil and steps backwards to reveal a polka-dot bikini

Phil: ITSY-BITSY TEENY-WEENY YELLOW POLKA DOT BIKINI!!!!!!!!!!

Wolf: Yup!

She gives a small grin and Phil collapses. Will leans over from his blanket and looks up at her

Will: Do you know why he always does that?

Wolf shrugs and Will waves it off, taking off his shirt to reveal a hairy chest

Will: Ahhh..

Tavi walks by, wearing a red bikini and carrying a towel in her arms. She lays out the towel next to Wolf and sits down

Tavi: Wow..Wolf..looking good sunshine!

Wolf: You too!

Will grabs his suntan lotion and starts to apply it vigorously to himself

Will: Ahhhh..Relaxation and primping..

Sal: All of which scream ‘Prick’

Will sits up and starts hitting Sal with the bottle repeatedly. Sal screams and jumps up, only for Will to put on his sunglasses and lay back

Will: Now be a good boy..

Sal: You’re a git!

Will: I know.

Frank lays down a blanket near Vince and sets down a beer cooler, grinning to himself and rubbing his heads

Frank: Drinking! My favourite past-time!

Dick Head walks onto the beach and sets down a flannel picnic cloth, sitting on it. Obese Maurice and Moe The Midget climb out of their Humvee which they have parked at the sands edge and climb out, walking to the picnic cloth and sitting down

Dick: You brought the stuff, Maurice?

Maurice puts down a wicker basket the size of a computer desk

Dick: Sweeet! You got the chicken?

Maurice: BBQ, original and honey!

Dick: OH MAM!

Billy and Steve stand up, walking towards an ice-cream vendor situated near them

Billy: Two vanillas my good man!

Vendor: Certainly!

Frank watches as they get served and sits on the edge of his sunlounger, rubbing suncream onto his arms

Frank: Always nice to have a day out..

He feels hands rubbing his back and closes his eyes

Frank: Mm..thats good..Hang--What the--

He turns around to see Screaming Mantis behind him, rubbing lotion into his back

Mantis: Do yours if you’ll do mine?

Frank: hehe..for sure!

Wolf leans up and listens, scooting over to Tavi who’s laying on her stomach. She squirts some cream into her hand and starts rubbing it into her back

Tavi: Mmm..ooo..

Wolf: Do yours if you’ll do mine?

Tavi: Mmm..sure..keep going...mm..Oo..

Her tail starts flicking and it hits Phil in the face. Phil shoots up and looks around

phil: Huh..wha--Control that thing!

Tavi turns her head and looks at him

Tavi: Hmmm...No.

Her tail slaps him in the face and Phil gets in a fighting position

Phil: OH! ITS AWN!

The tail slinks around him and slaps him in the back. He screams and starts twitching

Tavi: Sunburn: Mans greatest enemy

phil: MY BACK!!

Phil: OH GOD!! OWW!! OWWWW!!

He shoots forward and flies into the sea, laying down on the waves and sighing as a huge amount of steam goes up

Tavi: PHIL!!! WAVE!!

He looks back at her, confused, but raises his hand slightly. She waves frantically and points behind him

Tavi: NO!! PHIL!! BIG WAVE!!

Phil turns and screams as a huge wave crashes down on him and sweeps him up to the beachfront, right to Wolfs feet

Wolf: Mm..we should go for a dip!

Dick: The sea washed up a Phil, do we open and check the message?

Maurice: No, but is it bad luck? Do we toss it back?

Jon watches Mantis roll onto her stomach on Franks lounger, undoing her bikini top. He quickly grabs his blanket and runs over, placing it down and laying between Vince and Sal

Jon: Hi guys!

Vince: Hey! Jon! Hows things?

Jon nods to Frank. Vince leans up slightly and screams, rolling onto his stomach with his head in his arms

Vince: I SAW SIDEBOOB! I SAW SIDEBOOB!

Sal points at him and laughs, pouring at a small cup of tea from his flask and smelling it

Sal: Ahh...Earl Grey..the king of teas..

Brick sits on Vinces blanket and hands him his vanilla icecream. He stops sobbing and takes it, licking it with a disturbed look on his face

Brick: Sal...we’re at the beach! Cut the silver-spooned crap and act normal!

Sal: Ok then.

Will lays back, smothering himself with something. Sal leans up slightly and looks at him

SaL: Uhhh..Will?

Will: Yes, my ugly friend?

Sal: Why are you putting mayonnaise on yourself?

Will looks at him

Will: Its suntan lotion

Sal leans over and looks at the bottle, patting Wills back

Sal: Enjoy your improved recipe, better taste suntan lotion..

Will: WHAT?!

Will stares at the bottle and smells his arm. He retches and screams, running across the beach and divebombing into the water. Sal grins and lays back

Sal: My job..is done

Brick leans over and hi-5s Sal

Brick: The dude still has it!

Both point at eachother

Both: OWWWWWW!!!

Johan and Big Bad Bobby throw the beachball up and Johan catches it

Johan: GO LONG BOBBY!

Bobby runs as Johan throws it, bouncing off Bob and into Bobbys hands

Bobby: Nice deflection Bob!

Bob looks up, half-asleep

Bob: Uhh..yeah, deflection, yeah

Octopus sits up in her sun lounger

Octopus: You guys wanna play piggy in the middle?

Johan: YES!!

Octopus jumps up and runs between Bobby and Johan. Bobby throws the ball in an arch and it lands in Johans hands. Johan throws it with such force it shoots past Octopus and Bobby and crashes through the vendors counter, hitting him in the crotch. Hois eyes nearly pop out and he screams, collapsing in a heap. Billy stands there, staring at the hole

Billy: I..think that’s 100 points for Johan!

Steve slowly walks over and looks at the vendor

Steve: Oh my! Are you ok?!

The vendor screams and lashes out in violent pain

Billy: Ah think he’s done lads!

The vendor starts crying blood, twitching more violently. Billy and Steve slowly step back

Steve: Should we call an ambulance?

Billy grabs the ball and throws it to Bobby, Bobby catches it and Billy and Steve slowly step back

Billy: If the police want us..it was the huge-ass Hispanic!

Steve: Well, they can’t miss him!

Johan: Uhh..Oops.

Octopus laughs loudly and inhumanly. Silence. She eventually stops and breathes heavily, slapping her knees

Octopus: You’re good!

Johan; Thanks. Crazy lady.

Frank and Mantis have unfurled a 6-foot tall windbreaker and erected it in the sands around Franks sunlounger. Mantis walks in.

Jimmy: Whats the deal, Frank? There’s hardly any wind..

Frank: Uhh..yeah. Wind.

He rushes in and fastens it. A bikini set flies over the top and onto Jimmys lap. He sits there, shaking and shoves it off, wrapping his arms around his knees and rocking back and forth. Vince rushes over and grabs Jimmy, simply dragging him along the sands as he’;s in the foetal position

Vince: Jimmy! The foetal position doesn’t work! We just scream and try to interrupt it as much as possible!

A pair of bermuda shorts fly into the air in slo-motion. Will looks up and screams, covering his face with his arms. They drift along in the wind and cast a shadow over Sal, who starts flapping his arms and cawing like a raven. Brick, Jimmy, Vince and Jon dive for cover until the shorts land on Dicks head. Dick sits there, holding a chicken wing, paralyzed

Dick: These shorts..smell..

Dick takes them off and looks at them, screaming wildly. Moe quickly gets a pair of tongs and takes the boxers. Maurice grabs a lit match he was going to light a chocolate fondue set with and takes it to the shorts, setting them alight. They breathe a sight of relief and Moe tosses the ashes into the sands.

Wolf: Thats all good, guys, but whats he going to wear AFTER?

Silence. Maurice grabs a cloth used to wrap a honey-glazed ham in and throws it as hard as he can, landing Franks windbreaker. He breathes a sigh of relief and Moe salutes him

Moe: Me thinks you deserve a medal!

Dean: I’ll second that!

Phil opens an eye and sits up, watching Tavi rub lotion onto Wolfs back

Phil: For any other man, this would be arousing. Why does it turn my blood cold?

Tavi faces him and clicks her fingers

Tavi: I know why..

She quickly stands up, grabbing a blue windbreaker and starting to set it up. Phil steps back, but as he goes to leave. He finds the windbreaker set up around him, her and Wolf and their blankets

Phil: ......Oh

Tavi takes her top off and starts to rub the lotion into Wolfs back. They both snigger and Wolf plays along, moaning erotically. Phil claws at the windbreaker fabric

Phil: HELP!! HEEEEEEEEELLLPPPP!!!

Wolf gets on all fours and crawls to face Phil

Wolf: Mmm..master want to play?

Phil stops, thinking

Phils brain: What you waiting for, Christmas?

Phil: What do you think? Should I hit it or give it a miss?

Phils brain: Shoot it and don’t miss!

Phil: Hmm..

Phils brain: So..windbreaker, 2 really hot girls..what would the logical man do?

Phil turns around and starts scaling up the windbreaker fabric

Phils brain: I forgot. You haven;t got an ounce of logic in you. You probably think its a type of curry.

Phil grabs the edge of the windbreaker and looks down at them

Phil: NOT IN PUBLIC! THE MOANS WOULD ATTRACT ATTENTION!

Silence. Wolf and Tavi murmur in agreement

Wolf: SO TONIGHT??!?! OR WHEN WE GET PRIVACY?!?!?!

Phils brain: Dig yourself a grave...here’s the bullet..

Phil: YEAH!!!

Phils brain: BANG! He cannot miss at that range!

Phil climbs over the windbreaker and falls to the sands. Silence. Everyone watches him.

Phil: STOP! What about Frank and Mantis?!

Silence. Everyone looks at the windbreaker rocking violently and murmurs in agreement before turning back to normal. Dean sits back in his sunlounger, looking around easily

Karab: Everything alright, Mr. Chevrolet?

Dean: Karab, it’s Dean for Gods sake! And..yeah..I feel..uneasy

Karab: Why?

Dean: I NEED GREASE!!!

Karab: Wha?

Dean: My kebabs! My pizzas! Even my salads! All it is hear is this thing called..’Iced cream’...EWWWW!!! I NEED SOME GREASE KARAB!!

Moe looks back

Moe: Will someone shut him up?!?!?

Dean: I NEED GREASE MOE!!!

Moe sighs and throws him a tub of Vaseline on the sands near him. Dean opens the lid and hugs it, kissing it

Dean: You’ll do..you’ll do..

Moe: ...He ain’t normal!

Dick: Less so when he finds out you just threw him Franks...lubricant

They watch as Dean smells the lubricant and starts screaming so loudly he passes out in 5 seconds. Dick leans in and hi-5s Moe

Dick: Legendary!

Maurice: Lets never let him forget lads!!

Karab fans Dean to try and awaken him, looking at the lube and passing out himself

Moe: Him neither

Maurtice: Ah..but we can’t bribe the kebab man!

Sounds of murmuring and agreement around the 3. Sal sits on his lounger, drinking his Earl Grey as Brick and Vince are kicking a beachball around the sea. He smells the air

Sal: I’m in the mood for BBQ..Maurice?

Maurice: Yeah?

Sal: Any BBQ CHicken?

Dick: We didn’t bring any!

Sailence. Sal looks down at Jon, who’s asleep on his stomach, his back red raw and smoking slightly

Sals brain: Possible legendary moment here.

Sal looks around

Sal: maurice? Got a raw egg?

Maurice roots around in his hamper and grabs several eggs, tapping them.

Maurice: Aye! This one!

He runs over and passes it to Sal before rushing back to Moe and Dick. Sal licks his lips and pulls a loaf of bread out of his own small hamper, cracking the egg onto Jons back

Sal: Ahhh...Eggs Over Jon!

Jon snores loudly and Sal grates some pepper onto the gently frying egg

Sals brain: Classic!

Bob is sitting on the blanket and rubbing suncream into Octopus’s bacl

Octopus@: Oo..Mm..right there..

Mantis: Oo..Mm..right there..

Bob: Two views on entirely contrasting subjects..

Bob watches as Billy shoots across the surf on a Jetski with Jimmy on the back, wakeboarding

Jimmy: LOOK AT ME!!

Phil watches from the shoreline and gives a thumbs up, but the wakeboard flies off Jimmys feet and hurtles towards Phil. Phil dives to his feet, but watches as the wakeboard flies off over the horizon. Bob jumped to his feet, and is clutching a Cricket Bat

Bob: STEEERIKE!!!

Phil looks back at Bob

Phil: Fuck man..Thanks!

Bob: No problem. Just be thankful I'm the one saving your hide.

Phil: I could have avoided this shit by not going for a drink

Bob points and laughs

Bob: COMEUPPANCE!!! WHAAYYYAYAYAYAYAYY!!!!

They both watch as Jimmy flies over them, screaming and bouncing across the sand, sliding to Will and Ravens feet

Will: ...Wow, the tourists outta stop feeding this pigeons, they’re getting bigger!

Jimmy spits out sand and looks up at him

Jimmy: I DARE you to try wakeboarding!

Will: I’m part of a better sport! It’s called Looking Good! Now fuck off Conference player!

Jimmy: or what?!

Raven rolls onto Will and straddles him. Jimmy scrambles away

Jimmy: OK! OK! YOU WIN! OH GOD! I SURRENDER!

Raven looks back at him and sticks her tongue at him, rolling off

Jimmy: YOU BASTARD!

Jimmy runs up and taps Ravens shin with his foot

Jimmy: Ha! Showed you!

He taps her shin again

Jimmy: Woo! King Jimmy!

Billy walks along, drenched from the sea and grabs Jimmy in a headlock, dragging him off to the changing rooms

Raven: I love the Scottish!

Johan and Steve leave the vendor, eating ice-creams

Steve: So..Johan? Like the icey-creamy?

Johan: Johan likes this weird ice cream! I LOVE THE MINT-CHOC-CHIPPYNESS!

Bob and Octopus stand up

Bob: You want one?

Octopus: Yeah! I’ll have brazilian mango with a strawberry glace.

Bob: .......Uh....How about a strawberry top?

Octopus shrugs

Octopus: Works for me

Sal is busy eating his egg sandwich which cooked on Jons back.

Sal: I can’t believe The Guys and Dave got off this trip..

Dick: They have to work!

Sal: Then why are Johan and Bobby here?

Dick: In the words of them and Dave: We have better things to do than sit around on a stinking beach. Apparently, they got tickets to the Tijuana Lowrider Carnival

Sal: Tijuana?

=Flash=

The scene cuts to Tijuana where cops have raided on a convention full of different coloured lowriders. That Hispanic Guy, That Random Guy, That Other Random Guy and Dave are crouched behind a display of rims

That Hispanic Guy: Fucking putas..now what?

That Random Guy: Who could’ve guessed it was also a drug-running convention!

That Other Random Guy: At least I got this funny hat!

He laughs and rubs the rim of a giant sombrero. That Hispanic Guy grabs it and throws it to the ground

That Other Random Guy: Dammit, *Beep*, lighten up!

That Hispanic Guy: You wanna be Bubbas Puta? You let the polizia catch you, then!

Several police swarm around the rim display

Dave: ...Shit.

Dave stands up and pushes the display, it falls over and sends the police flying. They quickly hop over the rims and dive into the seat of the nearest lowrider. That Hispanic Guy honks the horn and ‘The Spanish Flea’ starts playing

That Hispanic Guy: HOLD ON!!

He cranks the engine and undoes the handbrake, the lowrider flying off the stand and out of the wooden fence, hurtling towards a nearby port

=Flash=

Dick: Don’t worry! I’m sure they’re having fun!

Franks head pops above his windbreaker, his hair scruffy

Frank: Anyone got a beer?

Maurice: No viagra left, mate?

Laughter across the beach

Frank: Let me just say I need some taste for the furry cu--

Screaming across the beach. Brick himself buries his head in the sand, flailing his arms. Maurice hurls him a can of beer and Frank catches it, grinning

Frank: SKOL!!

He disappears and Brick pulls his head from the sand

Johan: You look like ostrich there!

Brick: How did you not hear that?!

Steve and Johan point to their ears, which have cotton buds inside them

Brick: Lucky bastards

Brick kneels beside Sal and opens his pocket, letting Mr. Moneypennies slither out, who’s wearing sunglasses and one-legged “bermuda shorts”

Mr. Moneypennies: Alright mah homedogs! Partay on the beeach!

Mr. Moneypennies starts slithering towards Jon

Mr. Moneypennies: Anyone else smell some egg in the hiz-air?!

Sal nods

Sal: One egg or two?

Mr. Moneypennies: Sheeat dude! Knock me up two!

Sal cracks two eggs onto Jons back and they start to sizzle. Phil sits at the shoreline, and all of a sudden, he looks up at a black shape hovering above the jetski

Phil: Oh no..

The figure hovers closer, wearing a pair of red bermuda shorts over a black skin-tight suit, and a blue visor over a gasmask

Phil: NOT YOU AGAIN!!

Figure: Yes..its me! PSYCHO MANTIS!

Phil: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

Phil gets up, but his body shakes

Phil: Ah crap!!

Psycho Mantis hovers in front of him

Psycho Mantis: Those shorts are crap, Phil..

Phil: Shut up!

Psycho Mantis: Now let me read your--what's in your pocket?

Phil: Nothing.

Mantis: PHIL?!

Phil whines and pulls out a Playstation 3 controller, throwing it before Mantis

Mantis: Why are you carrying this?

Phil shrugs

Phil: In case I steal a PS3.......

Mantis: Oh--Hey..wait..

Psycho Mantis grabs the controller and fiddles with it slightly

Mantis: Hmm..still the same as PS2..but wait..

Mantis starts shaking, the controller vibrating

Phil: Oh please no!

He can barely make out tears welling in Mantis' eyes as Steve, Will and Billy come along from on their way to the vendor

Will: Found a new friend?

Billy: Yeaaaah..but Psycho Mantis?

Will: Wait a sec--Oh no!! OH FUCK NO!!

Mantis: I will now move the controller with the power of my mind alone!!

Johan walks along

Johan: Hey look! Psycho guy!

Mantis: HYYYAAARRRGGHHH!!!!

He waves his arms and the 5 men are flung back

Mantis: Ah fuck..not again..

The controller rumbles

Mantis: VIBRATION IS BACK!!!

He gives the peace sign and disappears. Meanwhile, Phil comes to and looks up

Phil: ...Can I have a beer now?..

Vince looks over at him

Vince: My god..what happened?

Phil: Mantis...

Vince: What did she do to you?!

Phil: Not her..Psycho..Psycho Mantis..

Vince gives a small chuckle and removes his sunglasses

Vince: Shit, Phil.. You know the whole Psycho Mantis thing is a bunch of cr--

They hear a shuffling sound and a vibrating PS3 controller slowly inches across the sand

Mantis: I WUV MY VIBRATION!!!

Phil: And people wonder why they call him Psycho!

He falls back and Vince pats his shoulder

Vince: We could get an ice-cream..

Phil raises his eyebrows

Phil: Or should we do what Frank and Screaming Mantis were doing?

Vince: What the fuck?! You sicko?!?!?!

Phil: THEY WERE DRINKING!!! Let me have a brew or brew me with hops! I want to be a part of beer!

Vince sighs and flips open the cooler

Phil: WOOHOO!!

He looks in and screams

Phil: WHERE'S THE BEER?!!??!!

Frank pops his head up from behind his windcover with a black lacy bra on his head

Frank: Heya..itsh phil..PHIL!!! ITS ME!! BRA MAN!!

Phil growls

Phil: Frank? ...Did you drink ALL my beer?

Frank: ...Yesh..

Phil collapses backwards, whining as a hand grabs Franks shoulder

Frank: Round two, babay?

He winks and ducks back down behind the wind cover. Will looks back at it and shakes his head

Will: That kind of behaviour is disturbing, man! And with Screaming Mantis? My God.

Raven rolls onto her side and strokes his shoulder

Will: lets rock.

They both stand up, laughing aand running into the nearest toilet. Steve and Billy go back for a 2nd ice-cream

Steve: Hey..can I have a lemon top?

Billy: I'll have a strawberry top.

The vendor turns around and rolls his eyes

Billy: What?

Vendor: You guys think i’m that stupid?

He looks at the open cash register and a large bundle in the pocket of Billys shorts

Billy: No.,..of course..not!

Vendor: The money..give me it back!

Billy: And if I don’t?

Vendor: I will call the police sir!

Billy licks his ice cream

Billy: Mmm...strawberry--

He throws it in the vendors face and the vendor screams, rubbing it away. Billy hops the counter and punches the vendor, kicking him repeatedly

Billy: I’VE HEARD OF YOU VENDORS! YOU GUYS SUCKED! YOU BEACH VENDORS ARE IN HANNAH MONTANA! EAT MY SHIT AND DIE!

The vendor keeps screaming and Steve has to lean over the bar, grabbing Billys arms and pulling him back

Steve: NO BILLY! YOU STOP! BAD BILLY! YOU’LL KILL HIM!

Billy reaches into his pocket, pulls out a note and drops it on the bleeding vendor

Billy: get yourself a new kidney

They both walk off. Mr Moneypennies is busy devouring an egg as Phil lays back on the beach towel

Vince: So...admit coming here was a good idea?

Phil: Yeah, except for the fact that Frank drunk my beer, Psycho Mantis appeared and--

He lifts his head and looks at Frank and Mantis’s windbreaker, rocking back and forth violently in the windless beach

Phil: If those two don’t cut out, you realize we’ll have to neuter him?

Maurice nudges him

Maurice: Ah got a pair of shears at home, should we catch him off guard?

Phil: Yes. Yes we should.

Phil lays back and Maurice stands up

Maurice: Gonna catch some waves, later homedog

Phil: Later Wor Maur.

Maurice grabs his surfboard and lifts it above his head, screaming gibberish and running towards the sea, jumping in and sending a huge wave over the ocean. Phil falls back and starts chuckling

Phil: Stop..tickles..

He keeps getting a ticklish feeling around his chest and he giggles

Phil: Stop! What is tha---OH MY GOD.

He looks down at Tavi and Wolfs hands stroking his chest

Wolf: You know..everytime I see Frank and Mantis..I want some human meat..

phil: Somebody help!

Wolf: No-one will..

Phil: HELP!!! HELP!!! IS THERE REALLY A BEACH FULL OF YOU AND YOU’RE NOT HELPING ME?!?!?!?! HELP!!!!

Silence. Windbreaker stops rocking.

Frank: Just have fun Phil

Phil quickly slides under Tavi and Wolf and stands up, adopting a fighting pose

Phil: YOU WANT SOME?! DO YOU?!

Wolf: Oh, yes..and what I want, I always get..

Phil: Ahh....OH FUCK!

Tavi and Wolf scramble up and chase him. Phil screams and runs up the stone steps and onto the sidewalk, hurtling towards and up the pier. He runs to the end and looks into the foamy depths

Phils brain: Hey, you always wanted this! Bottoms up, baby!

Phil: Oh..shit

He turns around and watches Wolf and Tavi advance on him.

Phil: Well...it can’t be that bad

He feels something hit his head and looks down at a box of condoms. He looks up and sees Wolf, grinning widely

Phil: What doesn’t kill me, will cripple me. But bottoms up.

Phil falls backwards stupidly, hitting the edge of the pier rather than falling into the sea

Phil: Ow...

Tavi and Wolf grab his arms and drag him up, throwing him over the side and onto the sands before jumping down. Phil tries to crawl away, but they grab his legs and drag him into a small hut under the pier. He screams violently, but they shut and lock the door.

===

Sunset is starting to happen. The sea is tainted with orange and yellow. Phil is slowly crawling towards the black van helplessly as Tavi and Wolf climb into their pink Smart car, smiling. Dave climbs into Franks humvee and lays back with his arms behind his head. Frank piles in the last deckchair, slams the humvee boot and kisses Mantis on the cheek, going towards the drivers seat.

Mantis: Wow..very nice beach..

Frank looks back at it, and watches as Maurice and Moe pile their stuff into the back of Dicks Del Boy Van

Frank: Its a pip of a place..shame it’ll be Shadow Moses soon..

Mantis strokes his back

Mantis: We’ll be back here..right?

Frank looks at her and kisses her cheek

Frank: Right

Mantis climbs into the passengers side and Frank climbs into the drivers seat, slamming the door shut. He reverses out and drives to the car parks exit, scanning the lot. Phil crawls into the drivers seat and pulls himself up, igniting the engine. He gives the thumbs up. Dick slowly reverses out of his space and behind Franks humvee

Maurice: Y’know..I wonder if those 4 had fun today..

The scene cuts to a large prison holding cell where That Hispanic Guy, That Random Guy, That Other Random Guy, wearing his huge sombrero, and Dave, are sitting. Along with them are 3 huge tattooed gang members, a small wiry little snitch and an obese tattooed man

That Hispanic Guy: Thanks, *Beep*

That Other Random Guy: ME?! I wasn’t the one who suggested stopping off at Taco Bell!!

Dave: You could see the goddamn cop cars, mate! But noooo! You wanted the Three Bean Burrito! And it was only when you gave the cops the bird did they arrest us!

That Random Guy: AFTER they had shoved us to the road and beaten us..I have a police baton playing hell with my kidneys now!

A huge tattooed gang member leans over to That Hispanic Guy and taps his shoulder

Gang member: What you in for?

That Hispanic Guy: A stupid twat. You?

Gang member: White collar crime...I cut a vicars throat..

That Hispanic Guy: Nice..

That Other Random Guy: Y’all just jealous cause I got MY order and ate it!

That Hispanic Guy leans over to the gang member

That Hispanic Guy: Would you mean helping me destroy this weasel?!

Gang member: Not unless we escape, hombre!

That Other Random Guy has started to pick at the wall, bored, flecks of plaster and cement coming off in his hand. He sighs.

That Other Random Guy: Walls pretty weak...

He looks around, Dave, That Hispanic Guy, That Random Guy and the gang member are staring at him, grinning

That Other Random Guy: What?

==

The outer wall smashes as the snitch, obese man and two gang members run out. That Hispanic Guy and the gang member appear, holding That Other Random Guy by his sides like a battering ram. A policeman stands in front of them with a cattleprod

Policeman: MERDE!!

They both ram That Random Guy like a battering ram into the guards head, decapitating him instantly. They charge forward, roaring loudly and That Other Random Guy shuts his eyes tightly

That Other Random Guy: FOR FREEDOM!!!

They ram That Other Random Guy clean through the prisons outer wall, leaving a giant hole where he broke through. They both set him down and start running off with That Random Guy, That Other Random Guy and Dave in tow.

That Other Random Guy: WAIT FOR MEEEE!!!!

The gang member turns around and punches him so hard he spins three times and shoots towards a large group of policemen, knocking them all down

Gang member: STRIKE!!

All 4 of them snigger and run off as the scene fades