Friday Night Fever

The scene slowly opens in Frank, Bob, Dave and Wills house. Blood has stained the green couch, and the table is covered in spit and bloody phlegm. Will is busy bandaging Franks forehead as he sits in a wicker chair

Will: Damn that Destruction Derby!

Frank: Those anyone know how..or why it started?

Will: Nope..now hold still..I need to pour alcohol on the wound..

Frank: THATS A FUCKING WASTE YOU CUNT!

Will walks ointo the kitchen and opens a cupboard

Will: Frank.

Frank:What?

Will: I know this is a stupid question..but I have to ask..Do you know where all the booze has gone?

Dave walks into the room, reading Gunrunners Monthly

Dave: You’re right. That is a stupid question.

Frank hiccups

Will: Question answered..FUCK FRANK!!

Dave: You wanna WHAT?!

Will walks over and slaps Dave. Dave stumbles back into an armchair. Will spins, holding his blazer

Will: OWWW!! You just got slapped, bitch!

Dave: You’re gene pool needs a freakin’ bucket of chlorine you cock..

Bob walks out with Octopus, who was bandaging his arm soothingly

Octopus: Look! I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier!

Bob: And how many times do I have to say it’s ok?!

Frank: Laughing Octopus feeling guilty? This is nuts.

Dave: Technically this is before--

Will: Yes. I agree.

Dave: You didn’t even let me finish!

Will: You were gonna break down the 4th wall!

Frank: No, he was gonna paradox

Will: 4th WALL!

Frank: PARADOX!

Dave: Both of you...shut the fuck up!

Frank ....Paradox

Dave: THAT’S IT!

He grabs Franks head and smashes it off the table, causing him to fall unconscious

Will: Jeez Dave! Calm down!

Dave points at him threateningly

Dave: YAWANTSOMEFUCKINGPRETTYBOY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Will: AHHH!!! NO NO NO!!

Dave breathes out and grabs a trilby

Dave: I’m off to Drebins, want anything?

Will simply stares at him

Will: Yeah, check into Sals ya schizo!

Dave: FUCK YOU!!

Will flips him the bird and Dave slams the door.

Octopus: Maybe you should try..being friendlier?

Will: Says the psychotic laughing woman!!! THIS IS TOO MUCH!!

Will jumps up, screaming and flailing his arms before diving out of the nearest window and into the street

Bob: .....I’ve never seen him do that before

Frank: In his defence, being a mercenary..he was always going to, technically speaking
Octopus: Anyway, Frank.

Frank: ....I can tell this is gonna be good

Octopus: Gonna commit to Mantis?---Where’d he go?!

A dust cloud lingers in the air and another window is smashed. Bob walks over to the window and watches Frank run down the street towards the Lamb and Flag, wearing only boxers and screaming loudly

Bob: How does he do that?--Oh god, RUN WILL!!

He watches Will turn around and scream loudly, pointing at Frank in his boxers

Will: MY EYES HAVE BEEN SOILED! THIS IMAGE IS BURNED INTO MY BRAIN!

Frank hugs Will, screaming. Will starts screaming and crying loudly

Will: GET OFF ME!! HELP!! RAPE!! FIRE!! UGLY NAKED MAN!! HELP!!

Frank: MANTIS WANTS COMMITMENT!!

At the sound of commitment, both men start to bawl loudly like babies. Jon opens the window of the Dog and Handgun and looks out

Jon: DEAR MOTHER OF CHRIST!!

Brick pops out of the other window

Brick: THIS IS WHAT DRINKING AT THE LAMB AND FLAG GETS YOU!! GAY SCREAMING MAN BEAR LOVE!!

The sound of retching and vomiting in nearby houses

Brick: My job is done!

Brick and Jon lean out of the windows and try to hi-5 eachother, but they fall out and scream, hitting the sands

Brick: I can taste my spleen!!!

Octopus: You mercenaries are the living end...


===

Night rolls into the Middle East, and several amateur mercenaries are patrolling the streets for a drink. The PMCs, sick of fighting and having flushed the nanomachines temporarily out of their body, are also surfacing for drinks. Frank walks out to the top of his steps, fully recovered from earlier

Frank: Ahh..night-time, will ya smell it?

Bob walks out, wrinkling his nose

Bob: Smells like liquor, sweat, blood and shit!

Frank: I LOVE FRIDAYS!!

Back in Phil, Steve and Wolfs house

Steve: Ready Phil?

Phil: Ehh..i’m gonna stay in

Steve: WHAT?! WHY?!

Tavi and Wolf walk out, dressed up

Tavi: WHEEE!! My first night out!!

Wolf: Thats right babe! We’re going to the Lamb and Flag for a drink!!

Tavi smiles and nibbles her cheek

Tavi: YAY WOLF!!

Phil: Ask question. Get answer.

Wolf: Still sour, Phil? I thought you were happy?

Phil: I didn’t expect you to bring her in to live with us!! I can barely sleep!

Tavi: OH! Stop exaggerating you asshole!

Phil: Hows this for exaggeration? Get out.

Tavi: Thats not exa--

Phil: Ok then. Get the FUCK out.

Wolf: PHIL! You promised!

Phil: Wrong! I was waivered and outvoted!

Wolf: Sheesh..not our fault

Phil looks up at Steve

Phil: It was your vote that really hurt Steve!

Steve: Will tickled me!

Phil: God I hate that cunt

Wolf: PHIL! You can’t say that about your fellow mercenaries!

Phil: Ever heard of justifiable friendly fire?

Wolf: ...No

Phil: Well, you’re about to

Steve: C’mon Phil! Lets go grab a drinky and we can forget all about it!

Phil looks up at Steve

Phil: AH! Why not?!

Phil stands up and runs into his bedroom, walking out instantly dressed up

Steve: ...Wow

Phil: Where there’s drinking, I work!

Tavi: Yeah, well, me and Wolf are gonna check out the Half Moon first.

Phil: Pff. Good luck!

Tavi: Whats THAT supposed to mean?!

Phil: Only PMCs and the insane drink there!

Tavi: Yeah? Well i’ve seen that one named Jason go there--

phil: Then I rest my case!

Tavi simply turns around and storms out of the house. Wolf stares at Phil

Wolf: Phil...

Phil: Yeah?

She stomps over, grabs him by his collar and lifts him several feet into the air. His eyes widen

Wolf: My fingernails mean MORE to ME than YOUR ENTIRE LIFE..want to push
some more?!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!?!? WELL?!?!?!?!?!

Phils brain: I dare you for one rush of adrenaline.

Phil: So are you going to order the pizza tonight?

Steve winces as Wolf storms out. He slowly tiptoes over Phil, who’s upside down in a bin in a pile of his own teeth and blood

Steve: Phil...Say something?

Phil: .......Ow.

Meanwhile, at Sal, Billy and Vinces flat, Sal is dressed in a black silk suit, pouring a small amount of armagnac from his carafe into a small tumbler

Sal: Armagnac Billy?

Billy looks down at him, dressed in a smart shirt and jeans

Billy: No thanks, I don’t want to be a twatty ponce.

Sal: FUCK YOU!

Billy: In your dreams

Vince: Calm down you idiots, it’s Friday Night!! YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!!!

Sal simply looks at him and shakes his head

Vince: THE VODBULL!!

Billy: Ah, sweet!!!

Sal: I think i’ll pass.

Billy and Vince look at eachother. Vince points to himself

Vince: Nehru

Vince points at Billy

Vince: Curzon

Vince points at Sal

Vince: Fucking Jinnah there.

Sal: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Vince: Stop being all serious Mr. Jinnah and have some fun!

Sal: STOP CALLING ME JINNAH!!!

Billy: Do I have to be Curzon?! He fucked up in the Raj!

Vince blinks

Vince: lets just get the Vodbulls out and be happy

Vince runs into the kitchen and comes out with 2 glasses of bright orange liquid. He hands one to Billy

Billy: All-nighter?

Vince: As ever!

Sal: Thank God you have your own Ferrari now..I wouldn’t be wanting to clean out the vomit and sweat..

Vince and Billy both down the drink in one and wipe their mouths

Vince: Ready?

Billy: READY!

They both turn to Sal and punch him in the jaw, sending him flying over his leather armchair and onto the Afghan Rug. Vince dusts off his hands

Vince: Foggsy Driving to the bar!

Billy: Ok then..DESIGNATED DRIVER!!

Both men look at eachother and laugh

Vince: Ahh fuck that. We’ll be sozzled.

====

The Lamb and Flag was fully packed to the brim. Randy Couture, Ken Shamrock , Fedor Emalanienko and Brock Lesnar are sitting at one table, talking amongst themselves. Samoa Joe, AJ Styles, Kurt Angle, Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin are sitting at another, waiting to order food. Kurt Angle looks over at Brocks table. Brock gives a sinister wave

Angle: ONE OF THESE DAYS, BROCK!!!

Brock makes the ‘bring it on’ gesture and Angle bares his teeth, growling. Fedor hurls a glass at them and Angle ducks, flipping the bird

Dick: OI! DON’T MAKE ME GET THE HOSE!

Fedor sits down, grumbling and cursing to himself. Phil, Steve, Dean, Brick and Obese Maurice are sat at one table, where Brick is busy feeding Mr. Moneypennies scraps of eggy bread

Dean: Awesome snake, Brick!

Brick: Aye, he’s the god of snakes!

Steve: He’s growing like he’s human!

Brick keeps feeding Mr. Moneypennies, who has gotten a foot longer and 2 inches wider since Christmas

Brick: Aye, well he is an anaconda

Silence at the table. Nervous looks.

Mr. Moneypennies: Don’t worry my shiznits! I won’t be harming y’all! Y’all my homedogs from the hood!

Quiet cheering and hi-5s.

Phil: Anyone else have a bad feeling about something?

Brick: Come to think of it...I do have a bad chill down me spine..

Sal, Billy and Vince walk in

Phil: Ain’t that, but that’ll be close enough

Sal and Vince walk over to their table and Billy joins Daves table

Sal: Hi guys

Maurice: Vince! Jinnah!

Sal: WHY IS EVERYONE CALLING ME JINNAH?!?!?!?!

Phil: Cause we found an abandoned library on the outskirts of town, hiding from the FROGs. All it was were books about the Raj..


Maurice: Aye, and you remind us of Jinnah: Well dressed but no fun!

Sal: Keep talking..assholes!

Vince grabs a bottle of Bulmers from the bar, slams some money down and rushes over to the table

Vince: Billy? You not joining us?

Billy: We have..things to discuss

Sal: Anyone else have a bad feeling about something?

Phil: Yeah! What the fuck is it?

Maurice: Actually..now i’m getting it..

Tavi flings the door open and flicks back her hair, walking over to an empty table next to Bricks

Phil: Can we confirm this is the bad feeling?

Tavi turns to face him

Tavi: Why are you staring at me?

Table shivers.

Phil: Confirmation!

Tavi flips the bird as Wolf walks in. Wolf takes one look around and walks quickly to sit beside Tavi. Both women start kissing eachother passionately and noisily, the sound of slurping near the table. Phil, Steve, Jon, Sal, Vince, Brick, Dean and Obese Maurice watch, wincing

Sal: .......Just..No..

Wolf: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....


The kiss starts to get more passionate and Vince clutches his mouth, rushing into the bathroom

Maurice (Quietly): Oi..Dean..dare ya to break it up!

Dean (Quietly): That’d be like suicide! Only a stupid, suicidal maniac would try it!

Phil leans in

Phil (Quietly): You called?

Steve leans in

Steve (Quietly): What are we talking so quietly about?

Phil (Quietly) I don’t know

Steve: THEN WHY DON’T WE SHOUT SO AS NOT TO ATTRACT ATTENTION???!!?!?!?!?!!

Everyone stops and stares at them

Sal, Phil, Maurice: WASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSUP?!!!!!!!!!

The bar quickly goes back to normal and Phil turns to Steve

Phil: Steven Llarrec, if you do that again I am going to whoop yo ass so hard you’ll be spitting shit for a week!

Wolf stops kissing Tavi and turns to their table

Wolf: Am I disturbing you?

Sal: No

Phil: Not at all!

Steve: Pssh! No! Have fun!

Maurice: Aye! Be jolly!

Dean: Yeah! It’s turning me on!

Silence. Everyone stares at Dean

Deans brain: Oops. I think I said that out loud..

Wolf: So..no hard feelings Phil?

Phil: What?

Wolf: Y’know..me..being a lesbian an’ all

Phil: No! Psh! This story needs a bigger demographic anyway!

Maurice slaps Phil on the cheek

Phil: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?!


Maurice: One, you’re getting too smart for yer own good. 2, yer breaking the fourth wall. 3, for fun

Phil: Thats wor Maurice!

Maurice: AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!

He gives the Fonzy thumbs up as the door opens and Jon walks in

All: HI JON!

Jon: O HAI.

Silence.

Jon: LOL.

Silence.

Jon: OMGZORRO.

Moe runs over and headbutts Jon in the stomach. He vomits up what looks to be the Matrix code and wipes his mouth

jon: Sorry guys..Nanomachines..

Frank: You actually injected yourself?

Jon: I thought it was he--

Jons brain: Say it and i’ll break your frontal lobe.

Jon: Healthy vitamins. You know..the sort that makes you feel better?

Frank: Stupid twat...Buy a drink!

Jon breathes a sigh and relief and slaps the bar

Jon: Usual Dick!

Dick looks at him

Jon: ..Usual?

Dick stares.

Dick: You don’t HAVE A usual!

Jon: Then gimme a bottle of Bulmers ya git!

He slaps some money on the counter and Dick hands him his bottle

Jon: ...Dick, where do you get this booze from, considering a lot of major religions in the Middle East area have customs against alcohol?

Dick: You ask too many questions, Jon!

Jon: Ok!

He turns around and sees Tavi and Wolf kissing, collapsing back in a split second

Frank: Thats the fifth one so far.

Dick: Should I get the poking stick? They might be bad for business

Frank: Just wait..

They watch as Phils table huddle and whisper, but turn their attention as the door opens and Will enters, wearing his emerald green suit

Frank: Told you.

Will clutches his blazer by the collar and grins, walking to and sitting down at the same table as Tavi and Wolf

Will: Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!

Wolf: Uhhh...hey?

Will: How about we make a cake..two parts you, one part me, mix it together and lets make it three!

Wolf: Out of 10,000 sperm..YOU were the fastest?

The door flies open and Tom Morello runs in

Morello: BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURNED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Silence.

Morello: YOU GOT BURNED!

Morello quickly runs out and Will stands up

Will: Konnichiwa..


He bows to them and turns around, coming face to face with Raging Raven, who has a face contorted into pure evil. The whole bar watches.

Maurice: Ah nah this is entertainment lads!

Dick: Man..should get this on pay per view, Frank, we’d be rolling in it!

Raging Raven: William Studlin...DID YOU TRY AND FLIRT WITH THOSE WOMEN??!?!?!?!?!?!

Frank points

Frank: WHAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!! WILLIAM!! WI-HIL-I-AM!!!

Raging Raven: SHUT UP!!!!

Frank falls backwards over the bar

Will: Now..ho...honey..you know..I...wouldn’t do ANYTHING! like that!

He turns to face them. Tavi grins. He turns to Coutures table desperately. Couture and Fedor smile and wave goodbye.

Tavi: He was...And it upset me! I hope to have a solid relationship!

She looks at Wolf and they smile at eachother. A lamp near Raging Raven explodes

Phil: Ooo..bye Will!

Raging Raven: William..Studlin...Are you...bored with me?

Will: NO! BABY! I AIN’T! But..I like to play! Experiment! Every man dreams of a threesome!

Raging Raven starts breathing ferally, her fists clenching tighter until a chair nearby sets on fire

Maurice: HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!

The bar watches.

Raging Raven: So..you like threesomes..

Will: Uhh...

She knees him in the stomach and he falls to his knees. She grasps his throat tightly

Bar: WHOO! WHOO! WHOO!

Raging Raven: DO YOU?! DO YOU LIKE TO FUCK WITH TWO WOMEN?!

Will: AHHHH!!! YESS!!! YES!!

Raging Raven lets go and whispers in Wolfs ear. Wolf whispers into Tavis ear. Tavi looks at her for a moment. Wolf whispers something else. They snigger and Tavi points at Will. Wolf nods at Raven.

Raging Raven: You have your threesome. See you tonight hot lips.

Raging Raven turns around and heads towards the door. Phils head slowly raises

Frank: Oh man, looks like Will ain’t done with yet!

Couture: I hope he gives more of a violent fight!

Billy leans over

Billy: He will if he’s getting there..

He watches as Phil slowly stands up, his hands tearing off a chunk of the table

Billy: Voila.

Phil: Wolf....aren’t you going to ask ME what I think of it? The only reason I haven’t pumped you full of lead is because you told me earlier it was only with Tavi, and NOT with another MAN.

Wolf: Phil....I thought our relationship had ended..

Phil: On good terms, or was that a lie too?

Wolf: Phil...

Will gets to his feet

Will: Hehe..better get the drinks and viagra in!!

Phil: Well, Wolf?

Wolf: We are friends..but....it doesn’t mean I’ll respect your wishes

Billy: Get the popcorn Couture.

Couture: Will beer do?

Billy turns and faces Phil

Billy: Yes. Yes it will.

Phil: So..my wishes..mean nothing to you? Our relationship..meant nothing to you?

Wolf: it’s not that..

Will: Whoooo!! Gonna get me some Beautiful Beast action tonight...Whats it like, Phil? Rowrrough?!

Wolf sniggers slightly and Phil sits down

Phil: Yes. Yes it is.

Will: Sweet!! Hey, Wolf, do you think i’ll be better?

Wolf: No answer.

WIll: Bet I am!

Phil shoots up and flings a chair at Wills head. The chair smashes violently and Will collapses to the floor. Phil slides over his table and grabs Will by his blazer and shoves him against the bar, punching him in the chest repeatedly

Wolf: PHIL! STOP!

Phil knees him in his sides and Will falls to his knees. Phil takes a few steps back and throws himself at Will, punching him violently in the face and causing both men to fall to the floor. Phil stands up and drags up Will, grabbing him by his throat and pulling his fist back. Wolf grabs his arm

Wolf: PHIL! STOP! STOP NOW!

Phil drops his arm by his side, but kicks Will in the stomach and grabs his right arm, starting to elbow into Wills elbow violently. Will starts screaming in pain, pulling himself free and running for the door. Phil grabs him by his hair and shoves him to the floor, causing his head to smash violently off the floor

Wolf: PHIL!

Phil: Ok! I’m done with weasely fuck!

Will scrambles up, his nose bleeding and a large gash on his forehead

Will: Next time...The guns are coming out!

Phil steps towards him and Will screams, running outside

Phil: Fucking punk.

Phil walks towards his table and shoves Wolf off

Phil: Get the fuck off.

He sits down at his table, and Maurice noogies him

Maurice: THATS WOR PHIL!!

Phil: AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

Phil gives the Fonzy thumbs up as the bar returns to normal

Frank: Insane.

That Random Guys head pops down from the staircase

That Random Guy: You called?

Frank: Twat.

That Random Guy: Cunt.

Frank stands up and grabs his pint glass, growling at That Random Guy

That Random Guy: Don't be hatin' on the Heads of Steel!

Frank: Heads..of Steel?

That Random Guy: FO SHIZZLE!!

He disappears just as quickly as he entered, the sound of clanging filling the room

frank: What the FUCK?!

That Hispanic Guy, That Other Random Guy, Johan and Big Bad Bobby walk in. Johan takes off his welders mask and drops it

Johan: Busy at works! Johan always work hard!

That Hispanic Guy: I gotta admit..that suit you made for Steve was cool

Dick: Hey guys..getting a bit crowded now, eh?

That Other Random Guy: Get us some draught on tap, Dicky! We just finished fixing your car!

Dick quickly pours out 4 glasses of Carling and spreads them on the bar. All 4 walk over and grab the glasses. That Hispanic Guy takes one sip and looks around

That Hispanic Guy: Ey! Everyone dressed up! Must be a Friday! VAMOS WORK!

That Hispanic Guy tears off his dungarees to reveal a white shirt, black tie, dress trousers and leather shoes.

Silence.

That Hispanic Guy: What?

Shelley: I wish I could do that!

Angle: Do and i’ll break your ankle.

Shelley: Why?!?!?

Joe: Angles violent like that. I heard he once headbutted a kitten for looking at him

Angle: Dammit Joe! Thats an urban legend I invented to scare kids!

Joe: And it works!

Couture: WE’RE TRYING TO TALK HERE!!

Shamrock: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Angle: MAKE ME!!

Joe stands up

Joe: MAKE MY FUCKING DAY!!!

A random group of fans burst through the door

fans: JOES GONNA KILL YA!!!

They leave as quickly as they entered, and Dick quickly unlocks the hose box

Dick: I FUCKING WARNED YOU!!

Joe: Ok! Ok ok!

All of them sit down and the bar returns to normal. That Hispanic Guy and Johan sit at stools while That Other Random Guy sits at Billy and Daves table.

Frank: Hey, *beep*

That Hispanic Guy: Frank, back in your natural habitat I see!

Moe: And we see the dangerous hunter stalking his usual pint!

Frank raises his glass

Frank: SKOL!

He downs it in a gulp and sets it down, tapping the bar

Frank: Another one, Dick

Dick: You owe me 150 quid so far!

Frank: I hock the stuff tomorrow, so i’ll pay ya then!

Dick: Lucky you have a good track record!

He takes the glass and fills it up. Will slowly walks back in with a bandaged head and with Raging Raven at his side. Will smirks and sticks his tongue out at Phil. Phil stands up and puts a foot on the table, ready to jump over, but Sal and Steve grab his arms. Raven stares at him

Raven: Do you want to fight my tarzan?

Maurice: Looks like tarzan, fights like Jane

The table cheers and flips the bird at Will, patting Maurice on the back who raises his arms. Phil sits down and Will waves it off, sitting at the last empty table with Raging Raven

Will: Did you really get me a threesome with...Wolf?

Raven: Yes. Yes I did.

Will: How?

Raven: Well, we’re like sisters in the Unit, and she owes me big after I saved her ass in Chechnya!

Will: CHECHNYA?!

Raven: We’re special forces Will! We get deployed everywhere!

Will: Heard its nice in Winter.

Raven: It is..

Will: A threesome??!!! REALLY?!!??!

Raven: Yes...but if Wolf calls it off...then you will wish you were never born..

She stares at him darkly, but grins brightly

Raven: LOVE YOU!

Will: Love you too

Will turns to Joes table and mouths ‘Help’

Sabin: Fuck off Will, you made your bed, have sex in it

Wolf and Tavi stop kissing, and Vince sighs

Vince: Mind you, Man..Lesbians all good for watching!

Tavi faces him with a look of hate, Wolf turns her face and whispers sweet nothings as Sal turns to Vince

Sal: Vince, no offence bud..but if ignorance was bliss, you’d be orgasming.

The door flies open and Morello points at Vince

Morello: BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURNED!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jeff Jarrett appears and smashes his guitar over Morellos head, making him collapse

Sal: OH MY GOD! IT’S FORMER WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION AND TNA WORLD CHAMPION, JEFF JARRETT!!

The whole bar turns silent and stares at Sal

Phil: Uh, Sal. Jarretts been a regular here since...well, ever.

Sal: I knew that..

Jarrett walks over to Joes table and sits down, slamming the table with his fist

Jarrett: Dammit Joe! That Snake tried to shoot me!

Joe: He did, huh?

He points at Styles, who unbuttons his shirt to reveal a bandage across his chest

Joe: He got AJ. Twice.

Jarrett looks at AJ

Jarrett: That’s probably because he was stupid enough to walk into them!

Styles: Now now Jarrett, at least I’ve killed a FROG WITH MY BARE HANDS!

He raises his fists and bares his teeth, roaring. Jarrett blinks rapidly

Jarrett: ...Riiiiiight

Dick walks over

Dick: Alright lads, what’ll it be?

Jarrett: Does the steak come free with the bourbon glaze?

Dick: Yeah, sure.

Jarrett: Oo! I’ll have that!

AJ Styles: I’ll have the ham salad, Dicky!

Joe: Give me the pie and fries...

Shelley: I’ll take...the cheeseburger

Sabin: Two cheeseburgers.

Dick notes it down

Dick: Gotcha guys!

Frank hiccups and Will tiptoes past him, tapping the bar

Will: ..drink please..

Will looks at Frank

Will: Frank, you fucking offend me..

Frank: Cause I drink?

Will: Cause you were born!

Frank stands up and winds his fist, Will looks at him and Frank swings, Will steps back and Frank falls onto his face

Frank: OO! A PENNY!

Frank scrambles up, clutching 5p

Frank: I FOUND CURLYS GOLD!!

He laughs and collapses backwards

Will: Insane.

Jason: You called?

Fedor stands up and hurls a glass at Jason. Jason screams and runs back upstairs

Shamrock: Oi! Fedor! Whats with the glass throwing?!

Fedor: Automatic reflex.

Dick delivers the food to the wrestlers table and Frank slowly stands up, hiccuping

Frank: PHIL! I’M RICH! RICH! RI--

Phil: Hang on, the bankers calling!

Phil pretends to answer his mobile phone

phil: yeah? I’ll tell him

Phil stands up and points at Frank

Phil: FRANK! I GOT A CALL FOR YOU!

Frank: WHO IS IT?!

Phil: IT’S AN INBRED VILLAGE! THEY WANT THEIR IDIOT BACK!

Frank growls and flies over a table, punching Phil in the jaw. Maurice grabs Frank by his shirt and headbutss him. Will rushes forward and smashes a stool over Maurices back. Maurice simply turns to him and bares his teeth, growling. Will taps his shin with his foot

Will: I AM WILL STRONGO!!

He turns to Tavi and Wolf and flexes dramatically, but Maurice grabs him by the scruff of his neck and lifts him for Sal to jump onto the table and dropkick him. Maurice drops him and Dave leaps onto his back, wrapping his arms tightly around his neck. Dean jumps up and pulls a pair of nunchucks, letting out a martial-arts yell

Dick: OI! NO FIGHTING IN THE PUB! TAKE IT OUTSIDE!

Ken Shamrock jumps up and slams Dean down, only for Phil to stand up and leap onto Franks back, putting them through Tavi and Wolfs table. Wolf screamss and stands up as Sal tackles down Shamrock. Couture stands up and cracks his knuckles as Phil starts to punch Frank in the temple with repeated blows. Tavi grabs Phil in a rear naked choke and pulls him off as Wolf drags up Frank and subdues him

Frank: COME ON! GET SOME!

Phil shoves Tavi off and looks at her

Phil: What the fuck you doing?

Tavi: Y-y-y-you were violent!!

Phil: It’s a bar fight! Anything go--

Billy hurls himself at Phil and knocks him over. Johan jumps up and grabs a tire iron

Johan: No touch Phil! Phil teach Johan england way of speech!

Johan wades through the rubble, only for Jim to slowly walk into the bar

Jim: DAMN! I’M ALWAYS LATE!

Jim drains a random pint glass of its dregs and runs at Johan to try and tackle him. Johan shoves him away and That Hispanic Guy jumps up, snapping a whip at Dave

That Hispanic guy: HAICHA!!

Dave stumbles back and Johan grabs Billy, throwing him off. Wolf hurls herself at Johan and latches herself onto him, clawing at his back. Phil gets up and grabs Frank by the hem of his pants, throwing him at Johan and sandwiching Wolf, sending her and Frank off

johan; Thank Phil. Behind!

Billy jumps on Phils back and takes him down

Dick: I WILL GET THE HOSE--

Moe throws a bottle and it smashes off the wall near Dick, who ducks. Couture stands up and the table flips violently

Couture: SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO RELAX!!

Johan has Frank in a headlock, while Steve and Sal are busy pummeling Will

Shamrock: That’ll be the trick then..

Couture, Shamrock, Emalanienko and Lesnar stand up, walking towards them

Will: CHEATING!!! YOU GUYS RE--

Couture grabs Will in a headlock and starts to choke him as Emalanienko backs Sal to a wall, pummeling him in his stomach

Sal: Pai-ai-ai-ai-ai-aiNNNN!!!

Shamrock yanks up Phil and starts to punch him in the jaw. Phil attempts to swing a punch, but he misses and Shamrock tackles him through a jukebox

Dick: I JUST GOT THAT!!

Dave slaps Lesnar in the kidney

Dave: WOOCHA!!

Lesnar growls and grabs Dave by the throat, lifting him up and throwing him down. Maurice quickly yells out and charges Lesnar, sending him down. Brick exits from the bathroom and washes the ensuing brawl

brick: HotDAMN!

That Hispanic Guy wraps his whip around Billys neck, but Couture slams down Sal and punches him in the temple, sending That Hispanic Guy flying dramatically through a window to the outside.

Billy: Thanks mate!

Couture helps him up, but starts to punch him in the gut. Shamrock grabs Phil and starts to nail him with several elbows

Phil: STOOOOOOOOOP!!!!

Wolf grabs Shamrock and throws him off, Phil spews several teeth into the air, blood pouring from his mouth

Wolf: Oh dear Phil..no-one to help you..

Phil: Y-y-y-you’re not h-helping m-m-m-me?

Wolf: No..I only help my sugarsnookum..

Phil: Oh..in that case

Phil stands up and pats Wolf on the shoulder

Phil: Goodbye..

Wolf: You leaving?

Phil walks out the door

Phil: No, just getting a run-up

Phil charges and punches Wolf in the jaw, sending her flying through the nearest table. phil blows on his fist and smirks

Phil: Now THAT’S a knockout!

Phil goes to walk out, but Lesnar uppercuts him, and Phil shoots up, his head smashing through the ceiling and his body dangling and thrashing

Lesnar: THAT’S a knockout!!

Maurice charges him again, and Lesnar sidesteps, tripping him and sending him through the door and onto Will

Will: MY SPLEEN!!

Phils legs struggle

Phil: OH GOD!

Tavi helps up Wolf. Wolf simply leans up and grabs Phils groin, squeezing. Phil screams

phil: OWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!!!!!!!!!!


Wolf lets go and smirks, turning to Tavi and french kissing her as they walk out of the door. Jarrett is busy finishing his steak as a bottle of bourbon flies into the wall near them

AJ: Damn..getting violent..Pass the dressing, Joe

Samoa Joe hands him some salad dressing

Joe: Always been like this...salt, Angle?

Kurt Angle passes Joe the salt

Angle: Y’know what? Should we just leave?

Jarrett: No! We can’t leave..right, Shelley?

Shelley: Nope. Noooo leaving.

Angle: Don’t you guys get bored with the violence, the randomness and the drinking?

Table: No.

Angle: ..Fair enough

Reigns: You should really think--

Billy tackles Evans through the table. Jarrett sits there, his knife and fork in mid-air where his plate used to be

Jarrett: ......Get the Scot

Billy: FUCK!

The table jumps up and roars, charging at Billy, who runs off screaming. Phil falls from the ceiling and smashes through a chair

Phil: .....Ow.

Shamrock rushes over, but Shelley clotheslines him

Shelley: WOOO!!

Lesnar taps Shelleys shoulder. He leans back and looks back, screaming and running behind the randomly appearing Luther Reigns. reigns folds his arms and stares up at Lesnar before they start exchanging blows. Raging Raven pops her head in and stares as Frank has Will in a headlock and is punching him violently.

Dick: RIGHT! EVERYONE! LISTEN UP!”

The brawl continues. Maurice charges in and takes down Sal and Vince, while Brick is busy smashing a table leg over That Random Guys back. Dick pulls out a hose

Shamrock: SHIT! HE GOT THE HOSE!

The brawling stops immediately and every turns to Dick

Dick: That is it! You all take this onto the streets and take the wounded and dead with you! NOW!

No-one moves, but Dick flips a switch and water starts spraying everywhere. Frank cries out and falls back

Frank: HELP! I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A CLEAR, NON-ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE!

They all rush out the door. Billy has Will over his shoulder while Sal drags Phil out over the rubble. They all turn to face eachother in the streets, breathing heavily and soaked by water

Frank: ...Same time next week lads?

The crowd murmurs in agreement and cheers. Jarrett claps his hands together

Jarrett: Ok slapnuts! I heard the Half Moons got a special and the Dog And Handgun has free lapdances to those who conquer the Yard Glass challenge!

Billy: That’s Franks territory.

Everyone laughs in agreement

Frank: Everyone split up, go home..go drink, and we’ll meet up next week!

The crowd raises their fists and yells in agreement. Steve turns around and runs into a wall before getting back up

Shamrock: Seriously, the last thing you need is more brain damage dude

Steve: Dain bramamage?

Shamrock: ...I rest my case

The door of the Half Moon opens and Screaming Mantis walks out, clutching 2 yard glasses
Mantis: Whoever can conquer it gets me tonight!

Maurice: But Franks the only one stupid enough ta try!

Mantis: Correct Maurice. Very correct

Crowd: WHAYYYYYY!! FRANK! FRANK! FRANK!

Couture, Angle, Sal and Billy shoves Frank out of the crowd. Frank looks around and grins

Frank: SHOULD I!?!??!?!?

Crowd: GO ON, FRANK!!

Frank grabs both glasses and starts to drain them at inhuman speeds. Mantis claps rapidly and cheers on as Frank drains them, slamming both glasses to the ground, smashing them and raising his arms. Dave runs over and raises his arm

Dave: THE WINNER AND THE INSANE ONE! FRANK DANIELS!

The crowd cheers wildly and Frank turns to Mantis, french-kissing her passionately.

Silence. Wincing.

Phil: I could have gone my whole life without seeing that............

Steve: I’m gonna puke!!

Both lay on top of eachother and the crowd screams. Dispersing rapidly

Sal: What the--

Sal, Billy, Steve Dean, Phil, Shelley, Angle, Couture, Shamrock, Will, Raven, Jon, Dean and Dave are sitting in the Dog and Handgun

Sal: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED THERE?!

Phil: Wow..horrific images make men run so fast..

Raven: And women!

Will: Yesh! Women too!

Sal: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED THERE??!!

Jon: Can someone explain to me where this traffic cone came from?

Jon holds up a red traffic cone with a black lacy thong dangling off it

Dean: Think thats bad?

Dean holds up his wrists to reveal pink fluffy handcuffs on them

Phil: AWESOME!

Shamrock: Times advanced 2 hours to...

Sal: 3 now..

Jon: I think its chucking out time..

Shamrock: Its your bar, Jon!

Jon: Oh yeah..

Jon vomits on the floor, his eyes twitching

Jon: I’ll clean it up later..

Sal: Wow..I think we’re...drunk beyond time, fellas..

Phil: I ain’t. I’m sober

Sal: Really Phil?..

Phil stands up and falls to the floor

Phil: FUCK! I’M FALLING!

He holds onto the floor, as if for dear life, until Steve, rosy cheeked, laughs and tumbles on top of him, dragging him up

Dean Martin: You know you’re drunk if you can’t lay on the floor without holding on!

Brick: DEAN MARTIN?!

Dean Martin looks at them

Martin: YOU DIDN’T SEE ANYTHING!!! ...Right?!?!?!

All: GOTCHA!!

He vanishes in a blue haze

Couture: Was that the drink or the insanity talking?

The door opens and Tavi and Wolf enter, looking at Phil and Steve

Wolf: We’ve came to take the men home..

Phil watches through the open door as Sabin starts to unicycle past uneasily, slowly being chased by a highly drunk, crawling Obese Maurice

Phil: Classic..

Tavi and Wolf walk in, and Frank crashes through the door with a bra on his head

Frank: I AM..BRA MAN!!

He makes a superhero pose.

Silence.

Sal: You’re fucking weird

Frank: SILENCE! YOU SHALL NOT CHALLENGE BRA MAN!

Couture: Bra mans fucking weird.

Steve: Is he real?

Steve squints slightly and falls off his stool

Brick: Dude! You like totally fell!

Screaming Mantis runs in, wearing only a long vest covering her body and thighs

Mantis: Frank! Frank!

Frank: IT IS..BRA MAN!!

Phil slowly stands up and raises his hand to speak, but slowly falls forward and flat on his face

Mantis: Ok Bra Man..wanna go for round two in the Mantis Pub?

Frank: DO I EVER!!!

Wolf: Is that a sex joke, Mantis?

Mantis: Try it Wolfy baby..it’s called drunken sex! You’d love it!

MAntis jiggles her chest slightly and pulls Frank out of the Dog and Handgun. Brick stumbles up

Brick: Well..i’m-a...g’night

Brick falls onto the strip club podium and starts snoring loudly, with Mr. Moneypennies wriggling out his pocket and slithering towards the bar

Mr. Moneypennies: Where all da snake wimmen at?!?!?!

Wolf: Ok you two..c’mon..

Phils head shoots up, sniffing the air

Phil: KEBABS!!!!!!!

Billy:@ But..Deans..here?

Dean: KARAB!!

All but Steve and Phil charge out. Wolf restrains both of them

Phil: Ya used to be fun Wolf! YA USED TO BE FUN!

She leans dfown and french kisses him violently. Phil lashes out, screaming before she breaks it

phil: YOU FUCKING PSYCHOPATH!!!!!!!

Wolf: Now..c’mon

Phil and Steve stumble up and Wolf sighs, linking arms with Tavi and walking into the street. They watch as Moe runs past in a bikini, chasing Jimmy with a whip

Phil: Dude..you totally see that?!

Steve: Yeah dude..like...woooooowww..

Bob and Octopus walk by. Bob looks at Phil who quickly pulls himself free of Wolfs grip

Bob: My God..Phil?! WHAT HAPPENED?!

Wolf: What do you mean?

Bob: Phil..drunk? No. It can’t be!! WHAT AMBUSH?! WHERE?!?!?

Octopus walks over and takes his arm

Octopus: Bob..I think Phils drunk

Bob: What? How?

Phil looks up at the sky and points, screaming

Phil: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! SHOOP DA WOOP!!! HE’S-A CHARGING HIS LAZER!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Bob: Oh. THAT. You can’t blame me for not realizing, I thought he was acting normal!

Wolf: So..you two went drinking?

Octopus and Bob snigger

Octopus: Drinking? Wolf. Friend. We went for a DATE.

Wol: Da...te?

Octopus: You know: A date.

Wolf tilts her head and shakes her head

Octopus: You serious? Phil never took you out on a date when you two were together?

Tavi: Hey! Wolf! We can go out on a date one time!

Wolf: What is this date thing? It sounds interesting

Shelley and Sabin ride by on horses, stopping beside them and making the Motor City Machineguns hand gesture. Sabin slaps Shelleys horse and it rears up wildly. Shelley screams and falls off, hanging off with one foot in the stirrup

Shelley: FUUUUUCKKK!!! SABIN!!!!!! YOU CUNT!!!

Sabin looks back and screams as Fedor Emelianenko points at them

Fedor: THEY! THEY STOLE MY LAST PACKET OF PEANUTS!

Sabin: RUN SHELLEY! RUN!

Sabins horse rides off quickly, and Shelley dangles there, flailing wildly. Octopus walks over and slaps the horse, it rears up wildly and shoots off, with Fedor in quick chase

Shelley: THANK YOU CRAZY LAAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyy.......

Octopus: Everyone gets one.

Wolf: So...date?

Octopus: You go out. A meal, a movie, a romantic sightseeing...we just went to the little lake in the small forest on the outskirts of this desert? Wow. Really beautiful when the moon catches it!

Wolf: Awwwwww!! Lets go there, Tavi!!

Octopus: I’;ll give you the directions later!

Wolf: Wow! And a dinner?

Bob: Yes! Take eachother to a nice restaurant, have a great meal and split the check!

Wolf: WOW!!

Phil: NO! DON’T FIRE YOUR LAZER! NO LAZER!!

Wolf shoves Phil to the ground, listening to Octopus. Phil gets on all fours and starts running around in circles. Steve gets on all fours and they run at eachother, headbutting eachother and making barking noises. Tavi sighs and rubs her tail achily, grabbing Phil and dragging him to his feet

Octopus: We’ll give you the locations later, me and Bob are gonna relax..

Bob waves goodbye and starts to walk off, Octopus leans in

Octopus (Quietly): We’re gonna rock the house down to its foundations. Watch and learn

She winks and runs after Bob, jumping on his back and wrapping her arms around him, both vanishing into the night

Wolf: Lets get the dogs home then..

Phil and Steve slowly stumble around

Phil: Hi-ho..hi-ho..off to home we go...

Tavi: Me and Wolf are gonna check out Drebins first..

Phils brain: Oh. Shit.

Tavi: I can’t believe my silver locket went missing..

Phils brain: OH SHIT.

Tavi: I am going to tear the throat out of whoever sold it..It means more to me than anyones life..

Phils brain: Thats it. I’m putting in for donorship.

Phil: WHY?!

Phils brain: Stop talking aloud you cunt! THAT’S WHY YOU MORON!!

Silence. Staring.

Tavi: Was it you?

Phil: Pfft. If it was, I would have moved out of this place when I did.

Tavi walks forward and pecks his cheek

Tavi: You can be such a sweetie.

Silence. Wolf and Tavi link arms and walk towards Drebins, where Drebin is sitting outside in a deckchair, giggling to himself and drinking Cobra

Steve: Phil...did you lie?

phil: I..don’t know!

Steve: Did you steal it and sell it?

Phil: I..don’t know!

Both men wrap an arm around the other shoulders and stumble over and up the steps, as soon as they enter their house and shut it, there’s a knock on the door. Phil walks forward and answers it. Johan and Big Bad Bobby are stood there

Johan: Phil. Triumph motorcycle you order here. Thanks for money. I LIKE YOU PHIL!!

Johan leans forward and bearhugs him groggily before putting him down and walking off, hiccuping

Phil: .........Ah shit.

Phil and Steve open the door and shut it. Phil slowly walks down the steps and strokes the motorcycles chrome handlebars

phil: Always wanted a Triumph Thunderbird 1956..

Steve: Looks purty!

Silence. Sound of slamming. Tavi walking out of Drebins shop carrying her locket and sobbing into Wolfs shoulder.

Steve: You better hide that thing!!

Phil tears a note from the gas tank and opens it

Haha! Gotcha this after hocking Tavis locket! Best of luck mate!

Will -x-

Phil looks down at the note. Tavi storms over and grabs his shirt collar

Tavi: YOU SON OF A BI--

Steve stops her and points to the note. Silence.

Phil: Steve...Get the nutcrackers.

Steve: ..Why?

Phil looks up

Phil: Cause Wills about to lose his studlin.

Tavi: Phil..you didn’t hock the locket?

Phil: Does it look like i’m stupid enough to do that?!

Phils brain: Well, you are.

Phil slaps his temple

phils brain: OW! YOU BITCH!

Tavi: Oh..Phil..you still care..

Tavi looks at him and grins before looking back at Wolf, who grins widely

Tavi: We can give you one better...

Phil stares at them

Phil: Oh lord, please not that.

Tavi: If me and Wolf spent the night with you..who would protect Will..from the almighty violent wrath of Raging Raven?

Phil stares at her.

Phils brain: On one hand, you have psychological and physical destruction..on the other, sex and Wills annihalation.

Phil keeps thinking for too long. Tavi and Wolf grab his arms and start to drag him into the house

phil: NO! STOP! I DIDN’T CONSENT! DID NOT CONSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNTT!!!!

They drag him into the house and lock the door. Will runs out of his flat, his back on fire and screaming wildly, running down the street. Raging Raven jumps over the steps and gives chase at inhuman speeds

Raven: I WANT YOUR BLOOD ON TOAST WILL STUDLIN! I WANT YOU TO DIE!! DIE!!

Frank slowly pokes his head out of the door and points

Frank: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

Screaming Mantis walks out, wearing a silk robe and wraps her arms around Frankls back. Frank grins and turns to her

Frank: How about sex by the fireplace?

Bobs voice from his and Octopus’s bedroom: WE DON’T HAVE A FIREPLACE!!

Silence. Frank stares at the fire caused by Raven in the middle of the floor.

Mantis: Who cares? Lets rock.

Frank screams in joy and slams the door as the scene fades.

Metal Gear Solid IV: The Parody Preview Files

Chapter I - Mercenaries

In the Middle East in the future, war was tearing the whole world apart. Except..war was outlawed. Ever since the Manhattan Incident, conflicts between countries had been agreed to cease. This is where demand for mercenaries came in.

It only took a short time for Liquid Ocelot, Liquid Snake taking over Revolver
Ocelots body, to take over, and create Outer Haven. A dummy company created in the mantra of Big Bosses perfect world. This dummy company created war, and was under the stranglehold of the Patriots, who were nameless..shapeless.

It was Liquid Ocelots goal to create Big Bosses perfect world by initiating a mass war.

It's up to Old Solid Snake to stop it!

However, there seems to be some...strange company near him.

===

Outer Haven was fighting the Mercenaries! It was clear who was good and bad. The Good guys were wearing Middle Eastern garb to protect themselves from the harsh sun, while the Outer Haven soldiers were dressed in skin-tight modern warfare suits, along with having nanomachines inside their bodies.

Meanwhile, a group of mercnearies are beside a roaring bulldozer, rattling building foundations of the bomb-ruined streets.

4 of them stood out.

Their identities were secret. They were clearly British, judging by the accents of which they spoke, despite wearing Middle Eastern garb. Why wear this? They are clearly aligned with these mercenaries. However, it's about to go to shit..thanks to the Patriots and Liquid Ocelot.

All 4 men trotted along the sandy concrete merrily beside the path of a roaring bulldozer which was starting to rumble through to clear a path for them. There were around 50 mercenaries, including the driver. Everything was smooth until..

*clunk*

Driver: What the fuck?!

Head Honcho: You 4, go check it out

4 mercenaries: Each with an insignia sewn onto the upper right shoulderblade of their khaki shirts to easily identify their names, slowly trundled around to check it out. What they saw was the vision of a nightmare.

It was a huge mechanical robot, on all fours like a canine. It's small, wiry, metal tail was swaying above its bod as it started to lifts its head, attempting to flip the bulldozer

Phil: Can you please stop that?

Bob: It's considered rude.

They turned silent, swearing they could hear a crying sound

Steve: I think it's crying.

David: Let's shoot it to confirm our safety

The 4 young men started to unload their round of AK bullets off the ass of the robot. Too bad it did no damage, leaving the bare minimum of polish-scratches. As whispering amongst the large group started to increase, so did the fear. The rugged and heavily facial-haired Head Honcho, wearing a long, white desert robe and a gray headscarf, ran to the group of mercenaries, screaming wildly

Honcho: THE BEASTS!!! THEY'RE HERE!!

M1: Ah fuck

M2: This is bad, Bill

M1: Tell me about it

There was a loud screeching sound emitted from the skies as all 4 men popped their heads around the bulldozer

Phil: Turn it down, we have our own problems here!

All they saw was a metallic blur as 5 mercenaries were hacked in half at the hip by the blur. The 5 mercenaries turned around and saw a huge metallic raven, swopping coldly into the skty with blood dripping from its right wing.

Dave: That right there..that means we have a problem

Steve: What about this?

The driver had bailed from the bulldozer, but was crushed as the wolf flipped the bulldozer with ease

Phil: What about what, buddy?

Steve: The wolf

Bob: Well, it's obvious we're screwed, isn't it?

Dave: No shit

The raven started to scream 'RAGE! RAGE!' as all 5 men screamed and ran forwards. Mercenaries were firing wildly as one man walked backwards into something.

Phil: What's that?

Bob: BIG MAMA!

Dave: No, I don't see Martin Lawrence

M3: It's clearly a mechanic bipedal robot with metal tentacles coming from its body and head

Trapped Mercenary: So its behind me?

Phil: Pretty much

The trapped mercenary sighed and turned around, looking into the glowing, bloodthirsty robotic red eyes of the sadistic robot

Trapped Mercenary: How are you going to kill me?

The robot started to laugh

Steve: I heard about this one!

All 6 mercenaries started to flip through the MGS4 game manual

Bob: It's Laughing Octopus!

Trapped Mercenary: That isn't good, is it?

Phil: Not in the slightest.

The tentacles started to wrap around the mercenaries body

Trapped Mercenary: I say, buy me a drink first!

Phil: I think undrunk sex is the least of your worries, bud

M3: Yup, bye dude

M4: Can I watch?

The octopus slowly started to wind around the mercenary tighter until blood squirted out of every orifice until he limped down. The octopus quickly tossed him down

M4: Shall we run?

Bob: Wait..let it make its move..

A mercenary started clutching his head groggily, yelling out

M5: What's wrong, Joey?

Bob points to a large, praying mantis-style robot in the air. The 2 normal arms were clutching 2 puppets by strings, as well as several extra arms protruding grossly from the head

M5: Oh

As Joey grabs his Ak to kill the mercenaries, the Head Honcho shoots him with a Desert Eagle. Only 15 mercenaries remain, including our 4 lovable klutzes. Everything goes silent, except for the Octopuses laughing, and the Wolfs crying.

Head Honcho: How fucked are we?

M6: Very

M3: Undoubly so, yes

They all started huddled in a circle, Dave was in the very middle, hiding. The Mantis, Wolf, Octopus and presumably, Raven, kept watching silently

M7: Why are they just watching?!!!!

Phil: Enjoying us go crazy

Dave: Yes

Steve sighs and walks forward

Steve: We come..in peace!!

The octopus fires a few bullets at his feet. he screams and runs back into the huddle.

M8: How long are we going to stay here?

M9: Until we die

M1: Which could be any second now

Phil: Shall we run?

Dave: Soon..let us see what happens!

Bob: Dave..we're cornered by sadistic animal robots controlled by mentally scarred bloodthirsty women, I doubt it'll have a happy, unviolent ending.

Dave: Oh..I suppose..

They stood and waited for a few seconds before..

M10: Hello?

Nothing replied

Bob: They obviously don't like our attempts at civil conversation

Phil: No shit

Dave: Miss Octopus? Can you just kill us?

Silence.

Dave: Be that way, bitch!

Phil: Be nice, Dave.

Dave: **** that ****, you ****ing *******

Phil: Better.

Finally, Crying Wolf started to edge a bit closer. The group slowly sidestepped once together. It took another step, the huddle sidestepped again

M11: I bet it wants a hug

Phil: I bet it wants a lot of things. A hug is not one of them!

Head Honcho: Shall we run?

Dave: And piss them off? I think not!

One of the mercenaries bends down and picks up a guitar from beneath the sand

Guitar Mercenary: Pretty handy

Steve: I'll say

Another mercenary bends down and picks up a tambourine

Tambourine Mercenary: Incredibly handy!

Phil looks to his side, where a drum set has appeared from seemingly nowhere

Phil: What kind of sketch is this?

A mercenary walks forward and sits on a stool in front of the drums. Raging Raven finally lands next to Crying Wolf. Now all the B.A.T.B unit are watching

Bob: DON'T YOU DARE!!!

Phil: OH GOD, NO!

M13: We're really screwed, aren't we?

Head Honcho: JESUS, HELP US!!!

The band start to play..

Mercenary Band: And I would walk 500 miles, and I would walk 500 more! Yes, i'll be that man who walks 5000--

Crying Wolf bursts forward and sends the band flying against the wall behind them, killing them instantly

Phil: Should we run or thank it first?

Head Honcho: We made them angry!

Dave: AH FUCK!

The whole huddle starts to run away, still perfectly in the huddle. The Raven screeches and flies up in a burst of cold wind. The Mantis takes a bow and disappears, letting its sickening sadistic colleagues toy with the mercenaries

Steve jumps up and lays down on top of the small sea of running mercenaries

Steve: PEARL JAM! PEARL JAM!

The huddle keeps running. The Raven swoops down, but they scatter and dive into the buildings on each side, ducking the shadows

Dave: Safe or dead, Bob?

Bob: Dead.

Dave: Don't be so pessimistic!

Bob: I'm not, but here comes the Wolf

Crying Wolf runs by so fast that it overshoots the buildings

Phil: Unlucky! YOU SUCK! WHOOO!!

Laughing Octopus is starting to quickly make its way towards them.

Steve: NYAHHH!!!

The mercenaries come together in a huddle

Head Honcho: What's the plan?

Dave: Run.

Head Honcho: I like that plan! What's our running music?

Phil: Please don't be 500 miles

Head Honcho: No, we can see the effects of that

They turn back, watching their dead colleagues lie motionless on the ground beneath the blood splatter on the wall near them

Head Honcho: So what is it?

Raging Raven: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

Bob: Evenflow by Pearl Jam

Head Honcho: I'll take it!

'Evenflow' starts to play as the mercenaries start to run away as fast as they can. They dive to the ground, feeling the powerful wind beneath the ravens wings go over them. They get to their feet and start running

Phil: Oh fuck!

Crying Wolf charges at them, Phil vanishes

Dave: Where's Phil?

They look back, seeing that Phil is clutching onto Crying Wolfs metal tail. The speed of the Wolf is making his body jump up a few a feet of the ground before smashing into the ground repeatedly

Phil: I'm!! OW!! still!!! OWWWW!!! alive!! GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Crying Wolf starts to spin in circles, but the mercenary group run around a corner and stop, catching their breath

Head Honcho: Hows Phil?

Dave pops his head around the corner of a house which has been near-blew to smithereens

Dave: Hanging on

Phil flies into the top floor of a wall-less building

Dave: he's off, he looks safe!

Laughing Octopus starts to cackle as it goes up the stairs

Steve: Run, Phil, Run!!!!

The Raven swoops down again. Everyone dives to the ground, except Steve, but none of Steves body is on the ground

Dave: Steve?

We see Steve clutching desperately onto the head of Raging Raven

Steve: I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!!

Phil finally joins the group again

Dave: That was fast

Phil: I know. I decided to take a shortcut.

We see a flashback of Phil pointing behind Laughing Octopus. She turns her head slightly, and we see Phil jump down onto the street and run from Crying Wolf to the tune of 'Hearts On Fire'

M11: THAT'S IT!!

Head Honcho: What?

M11: I'M GOING TO HUG CRYING WOLF!!

Dave: Ah go, you retard.

The mercenary walks forwards with his arms wide

Mercenary: Crying Wolf? I'm here to hug you!

Crying Wolf simply stares

Mercenary: Hug?

She keeps staring

Mercenary: I'll just hug you..

The mercenary walks forward and hugs Crying Wolf, but is smashed against a wall as Crying Wolf speeds forward and skids around the corner to face the mercenaries

Phil: Is this good?

Dave: No.

Phil: I can tell

Dave: Really?

Phil: Yeah, look behind us

The mercenaries turn around to see Laughing Octopus cackling wildly as she looks down at them. Ste is dropped into the huddle by Raging Raven, quickly facing Crying Wolf, but Bob grabs him, lifts him, and turns him to face Laughing Octopus

Head Honcho: Are we dead?

Crying Wolf howls loudly, starting to emit sobbing sounds again

Phil: I believe so.

-Black Screen-

Chapter 2 - Only Gets Better With Age

We continue where we left our bit-playing klutzes: Surrounding by the Beauty And The Beast unit. Forget Disney, start thinking beautiful women mentally scarred by horrors of war, turning heir body into mechanical war machines.

Poor guys.

--

The mercenaries kept their footing careful, still tightened into a huddle. Dave looked up into Laughing Octopuses red, glowing eyes

Dave: Look, will you just kill us and get it done with?

M12: Ah, but they're thinking 'Where's the fun in that?'

Raging Ravens head nods slightly

M12: See?

M1: Should we run?

M2: And die, Frank? I think not!

Frank: We'll die anyway, Bill, so why wait?

Bob: Will you two shut up, and wait..

Everything goes silent. Nothing is heard for minutes.

Phil: Maybe we should just run

Head Honcho: Shut up!!

Phil: What now, eh? We're stuck in a never-ending trailer, and I need a piss, dammit!!

Bob: Phil...Whoosa...

Phil rubs his earlobes

Phil: Whoosa...

One of the mercenaries start to hum 500 miles

Bill: I swear to God if you start singing, John, i'll punch you in the stomach!

Finally. Laughing Octopus approached. Her tentacles swaying, one of them latched its 3 prongs around Bobs stomach

Phil: IT'S GETTING BOB!!

The tentacle remains there, and Bob looks underwhelmed

Bob: ._.

Crying Wolf takes a few slow steps forward. Phil lets out a suicidal scream and runs at her, but she sobs louder and he runs back into the huddle

Phil: See that? I totally taught her a lesson--

Head Honcho: --On how not to fight!

Raging Raven takes a few steps forward

Steve: Oh god, it's coming! Armageddon! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

The mercenaries look around at eachother as Laughing Octopus emits a cold cackle

Steve: Stop laughing, it's really freaky!

Phil quickly runs out of the huddle and runs down the street into the distance

Head Honcho: Son of a bitch!!

Phil is heard laughing in the distance until Crying Wolf turns around and blasts after him. A scream is heard and Phil is seen running faster

Bob: I'm taking a stand!

Bob walks up to Laghing Octopus and punches her hard in the face. She falls down faster than a sack of potatoes.

Head Honcho: That was stupid Bob

Bob: Why?

Head Honcho: Because she's back up

Bob watches as Laughing Octopus towers over him

Bob: Fuck.

Octopus grabs Bob with her tentacles and she starts to walk off

Bob: Be gentle!!

Dave: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Head Honcho: That's it. I surrender.

Dean: You..surrender? That's the trailer, is it?

A silence follows, until Phil runs past screaming, still chased by Crying Wolf.

Head Honcho: ...

Yes.

Dean: You fucking muppet.

==

For Old Snake, seeing this kind of war made him feel sad. It didn't seem like so long ago that he was fighting off Metal Gear REX in Shadow Moses. As he slipped his cigarette into his wrinkled lips, he drew out a smooth sigh, knowing that this could very well be his final mission. He pulled out his AK102 machine-gun and his Knife, holding it at the ready close to the sights and slowly peeked from around the corner.

There was nothing but a deserted street ahead. In front of Snake was a bomb-ruined building which had most of its whitewashed walls blew off. Sand was starting to settle from the ferocious winds on the paths, and the roads were practically ruined by craters and bullet holes. In the distance, he heard the sounds of a vicious gunfight raging on between Outer Haven and the Mercenaries. Childs play, he thought. But then again, it was his job to stop Outer Haven expanding its tentacles across the world and plummeting it into Armageddon.

Neither enemies nor friends, Snake stepped out. There were no mercenaries, and the fighting was further away than imagined. keeping his rifle and knife at the ready, he heard a bellowing, pain-riddled scream in a building very close to him. Keeping low in posture, he slowly snuck forward and hid behind a pile of sandbags. Slowly stepping up and raising his rifle, he heard the sound of quick, irregular footsteps come down the wooden stairs in the adjacent building. He heard a loud wolfs howl and readied his gun further, his bullet squeezing the trigger grip.

He took aim carefully, but it only turned it to be a mercenary emerging from the building. with only baggy white pants on supported with his ammo belt. There were claw wounds across his chest, and blood was dripping onto the floor. Snake gave a small grunt and lowered his weapon, taking a puff of smoke from the cigarette

Phil: No, for Gods sake, shoot me in the head!

Snake: Why?

There was a small crying sound as Crying Wolf ran forward, put its mechanical mouth around Phils leg, and dragged him back into the building

Phil: OH GOD, PLEASE SHOOT ME!!! PLEASE!! OH GOD NO!

Snake fired a shot, but it missed as Phil disappeared. The Head Honcho appeared beside him and patted his shoulder

Head Honcho: Areas clear...What's up?

Old Snake: What is a mechanical wolf doing on the battleifled?

The mercenary raised his weapon with a look of panic in his eyes

Head Honcho: CRYING WOLF, WHERE??!!!

Snake: ..It just dragged a man into a building

Head Honcho: Oh, that's Phil

Snake :..."Phil"...What's his codename?

Head Honcho: We don't have codenames. We're bit parts. My names Frank. We ran into those beasts a while ago.

Phil runs out, again, out of breath. He looks at Snake

Phil: SHOOT ME!!

Frank: Phil, just run!!

Phil runs towards them and skids to a halt

Frank: Where's the rest?

Phil: ..Bob...

Frank: Where is he?

Phil: Laughing Octopus has him

Frank: He's being tortured??!!!

Phil: Worse.

Frank: How can it be worse?

Phil: Remember that syringe we found ages ago, just strewn on the battlefield?

Frank: Yeah?

Phil: I can experience some of Bobs thoughts thanks to nanomachines

Phil stands still for a moment.

Phil: Well, better him than me

Frank: What's going on?

Phil: Well, this is just the Preview, right? And this isn't even the Boss preview! It's Snakes preview!

Frank: So?

Phil: They're out of character!

Frank: Killing more violently?

Phil: Laughing Octopus is doing something much, much worse with her tentacles

Frank: SWEET JESUS NO!

Phil: Yes. Hell yes.

Frank: But you--

Phil: Let's not talk about it.

Frank: How did you--

Phil: Survive? I just put the happiest thought at the front of my mind

Frank: I didn't mean that, I meant doing--

Phil: Shut up.

Snake: Shall we continue with the story?

Frank: Yes

All 3 men started to walk away as Frank handed Phil a large brown and white desert scarf

Snake: So how did--

Phil: Another word and I swear to God i'll punch you in the face!!

==

All 3 men walked through the battlefield. The gunshots and explosions were getting much closer now. Phil had found a shotgun on the floor near the dead body of an Outer Haven soldier, and Frank was armed with a Colt .45

Frank: So, Snake, you need to enter this building?

He pointed to a place on the map

Snake: Yes..I need to be there..

Franl: We'll accompany you so far, as long as you don't kill us

Snake: Ok

Phil: What if he does?

Frank: Procedure states we lie on the floor motionless, bleeding to death

Phil: Oh ha-fucking-ha! You really should be on Channel 4!

Snake:...Channel..4?

Frank: Phil, fucking stop, you're breaking down the 4th wall, and it means Mr. Kojima will totally remove you from the game!!

Phil: Goddammit!!

All of a sudden, a swooping sound is heard as Steve is dropped to the ground, he rolls across the road a few feet before stopping and standing up

Phil: BRO! You're alive!

Steve: KILL ME!! PLEASE!!

Phil: You too, huh?

Steve: You will never know the agony we endured!!

Phil: We?

5 more mercenaries from the previous huddle are dropped down

M3: I had to give her a bath!

M4: Fuck you, Jimmy, I had to scrub her back!

Frank: But..she's a robot..

Jimmy: I KNOW!! But Kojima loves for us to do random things!! I hate him!!

M5: Look, what's done is done, we should find the rest of our comrades--

No sooner than the mercenary says that, then 6 mercenaries sidle out of a building to the side of them, a cruel screaming sound heard in the distance

M8: Goddamn bitch!

Dave appears in front of them, his hands covered in black oil

Dave: I HAD TO RUB MANTIS'S BACK!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY???!!!

Phil: Join the line, Dave, we each did things we regret.

M11: I had to service her.

There's an uneasy silence between Snake and the mercenaries

Frank: What did you say, Dean?

Dean: .....I had to service her..

Phil: SICK!!

Dave: ALRIGHT!!

Steve: GIGGITY GOO!!

Snake: Look, can we proceed with--

Frank: FUCKING SICK, MAN!!

M15: AWWWW DUDE!!!!

Snake: Ple--

M14: You freakin' psycho!!

Phil: Where's Bob?

4 mercenaries appear from behind them, hoisting up Bob with his arms around their shoulders

Frank: Shit, Bob!! WHat happened?!

M16: She...did terrible things..

Dean: Speak, Tommy, speak!!

Bob: TENTACLES!!!

All: AWWW SICK!!!

Dean: YET AROUSING!!

The mercenaries sidestep away from Dean

Snake: CAN WE CONTINUE WITH MY MISSION??!!!

Frank: Sorry Snake..forward men!!

Bob: TENTACLES!!!

==

The mercenaries stick in their huddle, having just helped Snake walk down a simple street, as Snake salutes them.

Snake: Thank you for the.........help..take this

He hands Frank a ration

Frank: Thanks Snake..and Thank you for helping us with those goddamn Praying Mantis troops..good luck..you will need it!

Snake slowly slinks off as the camera focuses on Snake. The mercenaries sigh as gunshots start sounding

Frank: Well, we got some troops to kill!

All: YEAH!!

A familiar sobbing sound is heard as Crying Wolf slinks towards the huddle. Phil sighs and takes a step forward

Phil: Wolf, stop, when the game comes in, I know you'll kill me.

Crying Wolf sobs louder

Phil: Oh come on! Stop!

Steve: Phil, I had to endure Raging Raven

Dave: You think Screaming Mantis goes gentle?

Bob: TENTACLES!!

Phil: Fuck off.

Dave: Just do it, then we can put this sketch behind us.

Phil sighs and walks over to Crying Wolf

Phil: Be gentle, I bruise easily!!!

Crying Wolf drags Phil away. The mercenaries slowly huddle around the building, shouldering their AKs.

Dave: Ok, so what do we do?

Head Honcho: Snakes advancing with his mission to assassinate Liquid Ocelot, so we just fight the Outer Haven troops

Dean: Isn't that boring?

Phils screams start to pierce the air

Dave: KEEP IT DOWN!!! Anyway, it is, but it's for Snake, poor blighters old.

Dean: Duh! I know that!

Bob: TENTACLES!!!

Jim: So, fight Outer Haven til either of us die?

Head Honcho: Thats the plan

Phil keeps screaming, before they finally die down, and the sobbing starts again.

Jim: Are they done yet?

Phil emerges from the building, covered in a sticky liquid.

Phil: I'm going kamikaze.

Frank: Phil, we'll do this properly!

Phil: Speak for yourself!!! You haven't been forced to do things to a mechanical wolf! This liquid ain't oil, you know!

Dave: Aw, that's sick man, too much information.

Phil: Says you..guh..

He starts to wipe the liquid off of him, muttering curses under his breath

Head Honcho: Are you done yet?

Phil: I told you, it's kamikaze time

Bob: TENTACLES!!

Dave: Bob, stop saying that!

M6: He can't, he's traumatised! I had to rub Laughing Octopuses shoulders!! And do you think it's easy with those sharp tentacles?

Dave: No...but--

Phil: How about you all shut up? Can we just do this?

The huddle runs forward to the tune of 'Eye Of The Tiger'. Gunshots are fired as they all duck behind a long line of sandbags. Phil stands up and fires a few AK shots towards them until it stops

Phil: BASTARDS! They've went down the road!

'Eye Of The Tiger' plays again as they run down the road yelling in a simultaneous war cry, until they stop halfway

Bill: Why does it have to be Eye Of The Tiger?

Frank: Shut the fuck up!

'Why can't We Be Friends?' starts playing as the mercenaries start to slink towards where the Outer Haven troops were, until they stop in front of a--

Frank: Monkey?

Phil: How cute..it's drinking cola!

The monkey burps and starts talking in a black mans deep voice

Monkey: Fuck you, bitches

Phil: Fuck you monkey!

Raging Raven: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGEEEEEE!!!!!!

Bill: Shut up! Your trailers finished!

Frank walks forward

Frank: Mr. Monkey..I am Frank..the head honcho..

Monkey: Frank? Not Akhmed? You look like an Iraqistani!

Frank: GO FUCK YOURSELF!!

Monkey: Calm..calm..

A young black man walks forward, wearing a sharp purple suit, sunglasses and with bleached blond hair

Man: My name is Drebin..just a joke I play on new customers..

Bob: TENTACLES!!

Drebin: What's with him?

Steve: Laughing Octopus

Drebin: ooooo...Ouch

Dave: And you are?

Drebin: A gun launderer..you need me in these days when new guns are ID-taxed and tagged..I remove them, so you can own any gun I sell without the hassle!!

Phil: Sweet..

Drebin: Ye--What are you covered in?

Phil: Chuck Norris.

Drebin: Oh..ha-ha

Chuck Norris appears behind the mercenaries

Chuck Norris: He's wrong, but I am aligned with the mercenaries

Drebin: WHAT?! Chuck Nor--You're not in this game!

Chuck Norris: Do you think Phil was supposed to start headbanging with Vamp? Do you think Steve was supposed to suffer from Rabies? Do you think Johnny likes suffering from the shits? No..

Phil: Excuse me..can you repeat that?

Chuck Norris: Sorry Phil

Phil: No..That's awesome!! SO COOL!! Get in there!!

Steve: So i'll go insane? Better just kill myself--

Chuck Norris: No...this trailer has stopped running..we still have many characters to meet, and your death..will it even happen? We will not know until June..

Dave: That..That's unlucky

Chuck Norris: Yeah, but Raging Raven has your child.

Dave: WHAT?!

Frank: SUCKERS!!

Chuck Norris: Frank, I wouldn't be laughing, there will be an incident involving you, Vaseline, a lighter and a horny Screaming Mantis in the near future

Frank: HOLY FUCK!!!

Phil: Can we please stop this trailer?

Chuck Norris: We're waiting until the viewer presses the stop button.

Phil: God, I hate this! It's bollocks! Bullshit! How is this even possible?

Chuck Norris: Well, it certainly is a laugh

Bob: TENTACLES!!

Dean: Yeah! Nothing bad happens to me!

Jeff Jarrett appears briefly on screen and hands Phil a silver-painted guitar

Phil: Thank you..Jeff Jarrett..

Double J: No..thank you..Phil nolastname!

Phil smashes the guitar over Deans head

Phil: That shut you up

Frank: It sure did!

The screen finally fades to black

Chapter III - Hard Knocks and Paradox

The mercenaries and Chuck Norris slowly entered the abandoned warehouse

Phil: Abandoned gigantic warehouse. No. Not scary at all.

Chuck Norris; Remember, the only thing you have to fear is fear itself. And me.

Frank raises his pistol, treading carefully throughout the warehouse.

Steve: I heard about these FROG troops, man, bad-ass ninja chicks with metal exoskeletons..strictly bad news..

Dean: Look, just shut up. We'll be fine.

Unknown Male Voice: CLEAR!!

Frank: Hide!!

The mercenaries disband and hide. All of them seem well camouflaged, except Phil and Bob, who's legs are wiggling in the air after diving headfirst into a metal barrel, Billy, who's legs are clearly visible as standing with a cardboard box on his head, and Chuck Norris standing there, daring RAT PATROL 01 to try and do something.

Mohican Man: Who are you? Name yourself!!

Chuck Norris: Chuck Norris.

Meryl Silverburgh: Oh God, you're kidding me!

Huge Black Guy: What's Chuck Norris doing in a Metal Gear Solid trailer?

Chuck Norris: Fates have sent me here--

Meryl: Nope, it's just Kojima playing a joke. Look, there's AJ Styles

Sure enough, AJ Styles pops his head out from behind a pile of boxes

Styles: I used to be TNA Tag Team Champion, isn't that right, Tomko?

Tomko pops his bald head out from the pile of boxes

Tomko: Yes.

The barrel falls over and Phil and Bob roll out

Bob: What kind of trailer is this??!!

Phil: An insane one

Johnny 'Akiba' Sasaki: Look..can we just continue with the trailer?

Frank: I agree

AJ: Let's do it

Dave: FUCK YOU, STYLES!!

AJ: Awww...ok...

Akiba: Damn straight!!

==

They sat in the back of the jeep, sitting as they rolled out, Only 10 mercenaries were inside the jeep with RAT PATROL 01...

*zoom out*

The rest were on top, hanging for dear life onto the flapping tarpaulin

Billy: AH!!! YOU BITCHES!!!

Frank: That's us!!

Dave: So..what's the mission?

Meryl: That hasn't been confirmed yet, all we know is we're fighting Outer Haven

Dean: We know. It's all we hear.

Bob: I hate Kojima! Him and his rapey-tentacle-thingy!

Jonathon: Just remember that we must help Snake complete his mission, and do our best not to get a shot from FOXDIE

Jon (From outside): You guys got infected?!

Phil: You musta been stupid..what, a needle full of unidentified liquid looked to good to not inject, huh?

Billy (from outside) I'll say!

Joe (From outside): Sure do!

Meryl: You think we had a choice?

Phil: I'll say Yes.

Steve: Yes.

Frank: Yes.

Bob: Yes.

Chuck Norris: Yes.

Dean (From outside) Yes.

Vinnie Jones: Yes

The inside of the jeep goes silent, and FOXHOUND and the Mercenaries turn to face Vinnie Jones who has just appeared on a pile of gun boxes

Vinnie Jones: What? I was eating a bacon sarnie and suddenly I got morphed into a compy trailer!

Phil: It seems to be happening a lot

Frank: We're used to it.

All of a sudden, there are screams from the outside

Phil: What's up with them berks?

Billy (From outside): VAMP!!!

The rear doors of the jeep get ripped off, and the greasy, surprisingly flexible, bisexual Vamp appears before them

All: ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Dave leans forward, kicking him with the sole of his boot

Dave: BAD VAMP! VERY BAD VAMP!

Vamp grabs his leg and tries to drag him out, but the screen fades to black as the next part must go on

===

The mercenaries and Chuck Norris find themselves away from RAT PATROL 01. They are back in their good ol' fighting environment of the bomb-riddled streets, but everythings silent apart from trucks and the stomps of Gekkous in the distance

Frank: Glitch..we should have been transported over to the Metal Gears

Dean: Why?

Frank: Don't bother asking. I have no idea.

They hear screams and thuds in the distance

Billy: Lucky, sounds like our fellow mercenaries are dying.

Phil: Wait, so why are we here? We just wait until they--

AJ Styles appears in front of them again

AJ Styles: Hey guys

Silence

AJ Styles: Why am I here?

Phil: We don't even know, and won't even venture a guess

AJ Styles: Oh well, lucky I like video games..but why is Batista having a slapping contest with a shorts-wearing monkey?

Steve: Weird...It seems like many real-life people are getting sucked in, due to Konamis lack of patches and news for the game!

Phil: Get a camera!!

Frank: Phil, no

Phil: But it's Batista!! SLAPPING A MONKEY!!

Frank: I couldn't care if it was Undertaker doing a Tombstone Piledriver to a Metal Gear--

The mercenaries turn their head slightly, hearing the screams of Outer Haven soldiers. The lights go off in the trailer before going back on. Sure enough, the legs of a Metal Gear are seen dangling from above a building before disappearing from sight with a huge crash

Phil: SWEEEEET!!!!!!!!!!

Dean: That is too awesome!!

AJ Styles: I could do the Styles Clash to one!

Silence.

AJ Styles: Come on guys, can I join you?!

Frank: For now, I suppose

AJ Styles: Sweeeeeettt...

A zap is heard as we see Scott Steiner running down the road

Scott Steiner: AJ?! WHERE AM I MAN! WHERE AM I!!!!

AJ Styles: Calm down, Big Poppa Pump, we're ina video game trailer!!

Scott Steiner runs past the mercenaries screaming, before disappearing around a corner

Chuck Norris: ...Insane

Phil: So..wait, if we're here, where's the other--

A familiar humming sound of a jet is heard as we see the head, arms and torso of Screaming Mantis appear above a building next to the mercenaries

Steve: Oh-oh god..

Frank: Should we run?

AJ Styles: Just wait..

A zapping sound is heard as Kurt Angle appears next to AJ Styles

Angle: AJ? Is this MGS4? A lot of guys have been phoning in to Cornette saying that they're disppearing here!

Phil: Welcome to hell.

Angle: Ah, fuck!!

A familiar howling sound is heard in the distance. The Head Honcho sighs

Frank: We need to re-think...Phil?

Phil is seen running off into the distance, along with Bob and Dave

Frank: ..Oh

--

Phil, Dave and Bob finally stop to catch their breath. Silence. Nothing is heard.

Bob: I think we're safe..

They hear the sounds of a guitar, and they look around

Dave: What the hell?

Singer: But I would walk 500 miles, and I would walk 500 more, Yes,I'll be the man that walks 5000 miles before--

A howl is heard as the sound of bodies crumbling to the floor is heard. A cruel laughing is also heard as Laughing Octopus and Crying Wolf advance from both sides

Phil: Oh....

Bob: Phil..calm

Phil: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Everything goes silent as Billy is heard in the distance

Billy: (Distantly and quietly) haw-haw!

Phil charges forward and punches Crying Wolf in the head

Bob: Phil, bad move!

Crying Wolf simply sits on her hind legs, looking up at Phil

Phil: Stop doing that!! What is your fetish with me?!

Bob: Lucky you, I bet Octopus would say tentacles with that question!

Octopus: Yup

Bob pales slightly

Phil: Look, should we run and get this done with?

All of a sudden, a large zap is heard as Rage Against The Machine and Chris Cornell appear

De La Rocha: What the fuck, man? I bet the government are fucking with our heads?

Phil: Nope, just Metal Gear Solid 4

De La Rocha: .......Oh

Awakward silence.

De La Rocha: Need any help?

Dave: Please!

De La Rocha starts to swing his head, battling Octopus with his dreadlocks of awesomeness

Phil: Go on Zack! Beat her ass!

Tom Morello starts to play heavy riffs as Chris Cornell sings 'The Devil Went Down to Georgia', Timmy C and Brad Wilk start to play Drums and Bass respectively

Phil: Sweetness!!

Crying Wolf howls loudly as the 3 klutzes start running off, but Wolf quickly gives chase

Dave: Ah nuts! Wolf-ay and radar-ay!

All 3 men duck their heads, their legs turning into speeding circles as they jettison forward. They completely overshoot the mercenaries who are overwhelmed by the speed, and slam through a wall where their body shapes are imprinted.

Frank: ....O...k...

The screen fades to black as the frame changes

==

The mercenaries, Chuck Norris and AJ Styles slowly peer over the roof, looking at the bomb-riddled landscape amongst them

Dave: Sweet jesus..

Frank: What?

Dave: Armageddon..

Indeed, there were many electric blue zaps appearing as real life figures, other game characters and cartoon characters started to appear

Chuck Norris: It appears that, because of lack of news, interest for the PS3, and because there is another part of the trailer appearing elsewhere, chaos is unfolding

Underneath them, another blue zap is seen as George Bush is seen in his underwear

Bush: Why emm I here?

The mercenaries remain silent as Bush looks up

Bush: Can, err, you guys elp me?

A Gekkou metal gear appears from round the corner and stomps on George Bush

Dean: WOOO!!! UNLUCKY!!

The Gekkous ra-dome looks up and spots them: the enemies

Dave: You freakin' moron! We're dead now!

They blink and Chuck Norris is adjusting his jeans from near his cowboy boots. They look over the edge of the building to see half of a metal gear Gekkou lying there

Chuck Norris: Nothing can stand up to my roundhouse kick. Nothing.

Frank: We agree!

Dean: Yeah, just don't kill us!

Another bright blue flash is seen as Sasuke Uchiha appears

Sasuke: What..am I even doing here?

Steve walks forward, cocking his pistol, but Phil grabs Steves arm

Phil: Don't

Steve: Why?

Phil grabs a sniper rifle and aims for Sasukes head

Phil: This ones mine!

Phil is about to pull the trigger when Kurt Angle runs in and Olympic Slams him, making him disappear

Phil: FUCKING HELL KURT! I WAS GONNA CAP HIM!

Angle laughs like Jay Leno and runs off into an alleyway

Frank: So what now?

They hear the clinking of metal off metal and walk over to the opposite end of the roof, looking over and seeing a metal-exoskeletoned ninja battling with Vamp, in a haze of blades and somersaults

Dave: Goddamn..

The ninja stops and opens his visors, revealing a pale face and long blond hair. Phil pulls out his rifle

Phil: Pretty boy! Lock and load!

The sound of cocking guns is heard all around as several of their fellow PMC mercenaries appear on rooftops, aiming their guns at Raiden

Frank (Like Quagmire): Alriiight!!

However, Dave immediately hops down and taps Raiden on the shoulder

Dave: Hey, what do you think you're doing? Only room for one blonde person in the game!

Raiden: I bet you won't even be in the final cut!

The mercenaries grimace and watch through squinted eyes

Dave: Well..seeing as you put it that way..

Dave walks up to him and punches him in the face, right through the visor. A mercenary holds up a sign

Random Fellow Mercenary: OUCH!

Vamp: Will you stop...he's my target...

Vamp flips onto his head and uses his feet to hurl several knife blades at Raiden and Dave, Dave ducks but Raiden gets hit in the chest. He simply shrugs and pulls the blade out, letting white blood slip down the suit. Steve holds up a sign reading 'WTF?!'

Raiden: That all Vamp?

Vamp appears behind Raiden and grabs him around the neck, going to slit his throat, but Raiden shoves his Ninja Katana through his own gut, coming out of Vamps

Mercenaries: Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit!

Dave runs forward and punches Raiden in the face again, causing white blood to spil

Bob: Go on, Dave!

Raiden immediately grabs his Katana, and Dave runs off screaming

Phil: No, Dave, the other way..the other way!!!!

Dave is in the far distance now as Vamp leaps on Raidens head and stomps into him with the blades in-between his toes

Steve: Well, this is boring..

Raiden falls to the ground, bleeding heavily from his head

Bob: Yeah..its like, alright, he's dead, but now what's the point?

The mercenaries on other roofs walk away mumbling as they simply stand there

Steve: Surely the frame changes soon?

Colt Cabana: Not yet

Silence.

Phil: Ok, Chuck Norris I understand, Styles..slightly, but Colt freakin' Cabana???!!!

Colt Cabana: What? I wrestle for ROH, does that make me bad? Delirious is totally kicking a bipedal robots ass back there with Bryan Danielson and Homicide!

Steve: Doesn't exactly make it bette--

Phil: That is so cool!!!

Colt Cabana: I also saw Larry The Cable Guy smashing a guitar over an Outer Haven soldiers head

Phil: This just gets better!

Raidens body is dragged off as Vamp simply paces around

Vamp: Anyone wish to fight?

Chuck Norris walks forward, but Phil jumps down

Phil: I will!

Vamp: I mean a dancing competition..

Steve: That's absolutely shite, Phil, come back up!

But the rest of the mercenaries and the returning Dave hop down near Phil, along with Chuck Norris and Colt Cabana and AJ Styles

Steve: Oi..I give up..

Steve hops down as Outer Haven soldiers start to flank Vamp too. Phil stands there as a random rap solo played out

Vamp: You cannot beat me..

Phil: Try me, Vampy!

Vamp does a perfect triple pirhouette, flipping backwards in mid-air and lands on one knee. The Outer Haven troops clap and mob him

OH Troops: That's the man!!

Phil points to the mercenaries and starts spinning on his back fast, he keeps spinning, but slowly rises onto his head, still spinning before kipping up and landing on his knees

Mercanaries: FUCK YEAH!!!

AJ: GO ON, PHIL!!!

Rob Schneider: You can do it, Philly! Get your ass breakdancing!

Vamp looks sullen, but manages to do a perfect triple backflip combo before doing a double backflip and landing on his feet

PMC Troops: YOU CAn'T BEAT THE MASTA!!!

PMC Troop 1: Yeah, boy!!

Phil runs towards a wall, runs up it slightly, does a triple-turn backflip and lands in The Fears stance

Frank: NOSTALGIA!! 200 EXTRA POINTS!!

Mercenaries: Let's show 'em, laddies!!

The PMC troops start to the zombie Thriller dance moves as Vamp spins on his back. The mercenaries start to backflip around manically as Phil and Dave do the robot. Finally, Vamp cocks up and stops spinning

Vamp: Concrete burn! YOU WIN! YOU WIN!

The mercenaries cheer loudly as Phil runs past them, hi-5ing them

Chuck Norris: Well done.

Phil: DID YOU SEE THAT?! DID YOU?! FUCK YOU VAMP!

Mercenaries: Nah nah nah nahhh...nah nah nah nahhh...way-ay-ay-ay..goodbye!!!!

Vamp walks off looking dejected as the PMC troops curse him

Phil: That was cool...So cool..

A familiar sobbing sound is heard as AJ Styles rides in on the back of Crying Wolf

AJ: Look what I found!

Phil: AJ, No! IT'S CRYING WOLF!!

Crying Wolf bucks him off and AJ is smashed against a wall, killing him and forcing him to phase back to real life dimension

Phil: Wolfy, i'm not ready for a solid rela--

She looks him in the eye, ready to charge

Phil: That's cheating!! How would you like to be out-breakdanced?!

Crying Wolf stands on her hind legs

Phil: I swear to God i'll punch you in the freakin' stomach soon!!

Frank: Shall we just go and meet Sunny and Naomi?

They disappear as the frame changes

==

Dean: Where are we?

Frank: Hell...

Despite supposed to being in a small room, they were outside the door. They sighed, looking around. They saw Umaga, Jeff Hardy and Shawn Michaels lined up outside

Umaga: Fah-ah samoa misay uma?

Michaels: Look, how did we appear here? It's nuts!!

Hardy: And why was I dragged along?

The mercenaries move on, looking dumbstruck, where they pass the High School Musical cast

Zac Efron: Where are we?

The mercenaries run past them, firing wildly noticing a horrible franchise which is still pumping suckers of money. They hide in a room, and turn around to see a small girl in a room, accompanied by a woman with long brown hair and wearing a white doctors coat

Frank: Naomi Hunter?

The woman turns around

Hunter: WHat is it?

There's an awkward silence

Phil: Umm..what does the script say?

All the mercenaries flick through a script title 'MGS4 Trailer'

Frank: That's it. She's doing Sunnys hair.

Bob: ...Oh.

All of a sudden, a zap appears as Samoa Joe appears in the room

Joe: I was taking a shower..why am I here?

Phil: You think we know, Joe?

Joe: Wait..this is Metal Gear Solid 4..where's Liquid ocelot?

Dean: I wish we knew!

Samoa Joe starts looking anmgry and determined, storming past the mercenaries and out of the room. As the door swings open, a crowd of fans is zapped out of nowhere and the follow him, chanting 'JOE'S GONNA KILL YA!!'

Phil: Oh my god! THAT IS SO FUCKING COOL! GODDAMN FUCKING COOL!

==

They appeared in the middle of an open space, surrounded by bomb-ruined buildings, bodies and Gekkou remains. A loud sigh comes from the huddle as they look around, especially notciing a metal balcony

Steve: What--

Ocelot: BROTHERS! Your time for death has come!

Dean: Oh..fuck no

Liquid Ocelot appears, no longer wearing his traditional spaghetti-western attire, but a long grey coat, frameless spectacles, black gloves and his grey hair slicked back

Phil: Ocelot? You used to be...cool..

Dean: And now you look like a twat!

Ocelot: I will take that opinion into account later, but now, prepare to die

A huddle of Outer Haven soldiers come out from a door underneath the balcony, like a mass of clowns out of an impossibly small car. All of them have their P90s pointed at the mercenaries and their primitive AKs

Chuck Norris: I'll kill them all..

However, as Chuck stepped forward, RAT PATROL 01 rushed in..all 4 of them

Meryl: Freeze!!

Bob: .____.

A silence follows as the 2 large groups look at the 4 soldiers of RAT PATROL 01, definitely underwhelmed.

Akiba: ..W-Why are you looking at us like that?

Frank: Cause you're morons.

Akiba: Screw you!

However, they are quicvkly silenced as a huddle of real life figures pour into the relatively-small space. Led by Samoa Joe, they consist of: A group of wrestling fans chanting 'JOE'S GONNA KILL YA!', Kurt Angle, Scott Steiner, Vinnie Jones, some random guys from off the street who nobody knows nor cares about, Rage Against The Machine, Chris Cornell, Bryan Danielson, Delirious, Homicide, Hernandez, Konnan, Shawn Michales, more random guys, Jeff and Matt Hardy, Umaga and Batista

Samoa Joe: I got a message for y'all!!

Fans: JOE'S GONNA KILL YA!!!

The real-life figures cheer loudly and hi-5

Will: Oh..fuck..

It starts to get even more packed, and much, MUCH worse, as The Beauty and The Beast Unit roll in, headed by Screaming Mantis and the corpse of a random guy on strings

Screaming Mantis (Through Dead Guy)@: Is this where the parties at?

Ocelot: Yes. Yes it is.

Rage Against The Machine: Holy shit, it talked!!

Will: Through a corpse, it doesn't count

Screaming Mantis: Yes it does

Colt Cabana: Fuck you!

The face-off was intense, as the mercenaries kept still

Frank: We can settle this only ONE WAY!

PMC: And that would be?

Frank: A battle.....OF THE BANDS!!

Liquid Ocelot: Sounds interesting..

Crying Wolf: That's awful..

Bob: HOLY SHIT IT TALKED!!!

Dean: Now THAT counts

Bob: Shut up!

Laughing Octopus: hehe..so do I, baby..

Bob: Fuck you!!

Raging Raven: Fuck you!!

Phil: Fuck y'all!

Samoa Joe: FUCK YOU!!!

Will: Fuck the fucking fuckers.

Dave: Shall we stop saying fuck?

They stop for a moment

Frank: Choose your instruments and song wisely.

Ocelot nods and hops over the railing of the balcony in front of the Outer Haven soldiers. Each group gets into a large huddle for a team talk

Frank: Ok, we have to be wise--

Phil: Wise? Our fellow real-life guys have Rage Against The Machine...they'll win easily!

Steve: So we cheat?

Will: We're not Ashley Simpson, how the fuck do we cheat? Mouth lyrics?

Steve: We pray we get attacked, but in the meantime, what do we play?

Mercenary 18: 500 Miles?

Bob: Do, and you fucking die!!

Phil: I've got it!

Steve: Please be good...

Phil: Cotton EYe Joe!!

Steve: No. Phil, that's bad. That's awful. That is horrendous. Are you high? Stupid? We are not do---

Ocelot: Begin!

Steve: Ah..fucking do it!!

Phil grins and pulls a violin out of the sand randomly

Steve: You better win or i'll fold your balls into an origami swan!!

Dean: Kinky--

Steve: SHUT UP YOU ASSHOLE!!!

They all go quiet as the PMC troops assemble on the balcony

Samoa Joe: Wonder what they picked?

Shawn Michaels: I bet it sucks..

Ed: Yeah..

Silence, until a metally tune rings out

Bob: Wait..it can't be--

Raging Raven: They can't be seriou--

Heavy synthesizer/trance music plays out as 2 PMC troops walk out, the others doing dance actions

OH Troop: I'M BLUE DA BA DEE DA BAH DEY! DA BAH DEE DA BEH DEY DA BAH DEE DAH BAH DEY!!!

Samoa Joe: Oh god no..

Bob: ._.

---

The song finally finishes, the remaining groups crying, humming to themselves, or smashing their heads off the ground

Ocelot: How good was that?

Simon Cowell: Better talent in my little finger

Frank: Great..so the freakin' American Idol judges are judging us now??!!!

Simon Cowell: Yes I am, baldy.

Frank: FUCK YOU!!

RAT PATROL 01 sighs an slowly walks up to the stage, but Akiba bounces up merrily, carrying an electric guitar

Chuck Norris: Now this will probably be bad

Phil: I agree..

RAT PATROL 01 stands on the balcony as a set of familiar riffs play

Bob: *sighs* ._....T_T

Jonathon: WELCOMETO THE JUNGLE! WE GOT FUN AND GAMES! WE GOT EVERYTHING YA WANT...

Steve: I think..I mighty...cry..

Crying Wolf: *Starts sobbing uncontrollably*

Samoa Joe: Oh freakin' Jesus..

Jeff Hardy: Oh sweet God..

---

After another torturingly-bad song comes to a finish..

Simon Cowell: *is crying*

Akiba: Was it that bad, guys?

Vinnie Jones: ....Yes!!

They all sigh as the Beauty and the Beast unit glide and crawl up to the balcony

Phil: I can only imagine--

They all start humming the Darth Vader Walk tune from Star Wars: Revenge Of The Sith

Steve: ...Sweet..Jesus..

Bob: *Foaming at the mouth*

Dave: Kill us...

Liquid Ocelot: Good sweet lord..

Crying Wolf stands on her hind legs and starts riffing with a guitar, but Tom Morello hurls his guitar at her

Steve: Thats our cue!!

Phil, without waiting, runs onto the balcony and squeezes in between Screaming Mantis and Crying Wolf, not even realizing they'd kill him

Phil: ....Wait a second..

Dave: Look, it finally sank in!

Phil: HELP! HELP!

Steve: PHIL! JUST PLAY!

Zack De La Rocha: Wait--

Rage Against The Machine runs into the centre of eevery group, starting to play 'Know Your Enemy'; as Phil tunes his violin and starts to play it, singing the lyrics to Cotton Eye Joe

Steve: ANY MINUTE NOW!!

Everyone readies their weapons as Crying Wolf uses her guitar to try and out-riff Phil

Phil: You may be a Guitar Hero, but Cotton Eye Joe owns you!!

Phil started to play the violin with intense speed until Wolf tackled him off the stage and into the huddle of mercenaries

Frank: SHENANIGANS!!!

All 5 huddles scream and run into seperate streets near the centre place..Ocelot runs into a nearby alley with his troops and the Mercenaries are head-to-head with the Real Life Guys...The war is on

Chapter IV - The End? Nope, The Beginning


The mercenaries are all huddled behind an unimaginabily long, sand-blasted wall. Chuck Norris is pacing around, rubbing his eyes

Chuck Norris: How are we doing?

Frank: Fuck you Norris, i'm Head Honcho!.....So, how are we doing?

Steve pops his head out, and bullets fly at him, taking chunks out the wall, he screams and ducks back in

Steve: I'd say pack our bags and run like fuck!

Frank sighs and leans back against the wall

Frank: Surely it isn't that bad?

Phil tosses out a salad sandwich. In two seconds, bullets have blown it to shreds, and Samoa Joe comes out to Musclebuster the crusts before running back into his own alley

Phil: It IS that bad!

Dean: I'll say, Samoa Joe didn't eat his crusts!

A flaming samoan torch is flung at Dean and he screams in pain as he runs around with his feet on fire

Bob: Haha!

A brick is thrown at Bob and hits him in the head, knocking him out

Phil: Fucking propman joined their side!

Propman: Fuck you guys! I'm with the machine!

Mercenary 18: I never liked you anyway!

Silence.

Phil: Gah, this is fucking boring, should we just run out firing wildly and return to real life in a blaze of glory?

Steve: And die in a blaze of horrible screaming death? I don't think so

Another silence.

Ocelot: Can someone just come out so we can move already!

PMC: I think i've taken root!

Random guy off street: My arse itches!

Laughing Octopus: I'm horny!

Bob: JUST SHUT UP! WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW!

Bob peeks out from behind the corner

Bob: Where is everybody?

A gloved hand waves out from behind a wall to the northeast

Bob: Hi ocelot!

A Colt Single Action Army flings out and the bullet nearly takes off Bobs head. He screams and ducks his head back in.

Phil: Screw this!

Phil walks out into the middle of the battlefield

Phil: I...welcome death!

Ocelot: He welcomes death! Break his legs!

Phil screams and runs back into his corner

Frank: Well that was brave

Mercenary 18: Are we just gonna sit here and rot, or actually do something?

Silence

Frank: All who are for sitting here say 'I'

All Mercenaries: I!!!

Frank: Case dismissed!!

Silence for 5 minutes. Tumbleweed slowly flutters through the centre of the buildings. Sound of propman coughing.

Samoa Joe: Well this sucks!

Frank: Ok..I have a plan!

Bob: Is it a good plan?

Frank: We run onto the roof and pick all of them off!

Bob: Bad plan! BAD PLAN!

Frank runs up a set of stairs opposite them. The Mercenaries look up as he quickly hotfoots it back down to them

Steve: So?

Frank: I'm a coward, so?

Silence again.

Finally, The PMC troops and Ocelot run out firing randomly and screaming. The other 4 groups watch unimpressed as they fire into the air for no real purpose

Bob: ._.

Chuck Norris runs out and roundhouse kicks an PMC troop. The Real Life guys run out and join the melee. The mercenaries just stand there and watch as RAT PATROL 01 runs out screaming into the dogpile.

Frank: Should we run?

Screaming Mantis: I DON'T THINK SO!!!

Phil: That's scratched that, then

The Mercenaries run up onto the roof. They look down at the ensuing carnage as the Beauty and the Beast Unit pick off anyone trying to run away

Dave: It's so cute..look! They're killing!

Bob: They grow up so fast!

Frank: Ready the bricks!

They scour the rubble behind them, grabbing sandstone bricks from the building

Frank: FIRE!!!!

The mercenaries hurl the bricks at the melee below, One of Steves bricks hits an PMC troop on the head and kills him instantly

Frank: Hey! Brick killed a guy!

Steve: Let's get them, boys!!

The mercenaries jump down in dramatic slow motion fashion and land on the edge of the melee

Mercenaries: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

The melee stops

Real Life Guys: . . .

Outer Haven: o_O

RAT PATROL 01: RAAARRR!!!

The brawl starts again as the Mercenaries start brawling throughout it. Phil pulls a hand grenade from out of nowhere and walks slowly through the crowd screaming

Steve: Phil? Where'd you get the hand grenade?

Phil: I...don't know!

Two horses run from out of nowhere with Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin riding them. They throw down a net which catches Steve. Steve yells and is dragged along in the net behind the horses. Jonny pulls out an axe and runs at Samoa Joe, but Samoa Joe throws him over his shoulder and Jonny flies through the window of a nearby building. A random real life guy rides up on a horse, but Steve pulls a trident from nowhere and throws it at the guy, stabbing him in the chest and killing him instantly

Steve: :)

Bob screams as he's dragged away into a dark alley by Laughing Octopus. Chuck Norris runs at Ocelot, but Ocelot ducks and punches him in the gut. Jonny slowly pulls himself up and chops off Scott STeiners arm

Scott Steiner: I NEEDED THAT!!

Ed runs out and dives into the brawl, making half of it fall down. Steve slowly rides in on Crying Wolf

Steve: Phil! Look what I found!

Phil: Oh gawd naw!!

Wolf: . . . :'(((((

A net is randomly thrown over Phil and Steve hops off

Steve: PHIL??!!

Crying Wolf charges toward them, Steve dives out the way but the net snags onto Wolfs foot. Phil screams as the net is dragged away behind Crying Wolf. A random hispanic real life guy rounds up on the propman with a whip

Hispanic Guy: Tonight..the sewers run red with propman blood!

Propman: But..you're on my side!!

Hispanic guy: . . .

He turns around and whips Jonny, who runs off screaming. An Outer Haven troop randomly walks through on fire. Raging Raven swoops down, but the melee simply ducks before contuing the fight, until something is heard:

John Cygan: The Patriots are trying to control the flow of digital information--

Liquid Ocelot: SOLIDUS SNAKE!!! IT'S SPOILERS!!! SCATTER!!!

The melee runs off into different directions, dropping their weapons. The dead and dying are left on the floor as Bob walks out from an alley

Bob: TENTACLES!!!

Phil rolls along, still stuck in the net and slowly followed by the Head Honcho: Steve quickly tears their nets off with a knife and they stand up as the mercenaries run randomly

--10 minutes of random running--

The mercenaries stop in the middle of a dusty street, catching their breath

Frank: That was SO cool! Did you see me kill that guy with my hands?

Chuck Norris: Yeah! See me roundhouse kick Kurt Angles head off?

Phil: I saw that! There was a man on fire and everything! Hell, Steve killed a guy with a trident!

Mercenary 18: Yeeah, Steve killed a guy!

Dean: Steve, you may want to find a safehouse, because you're probably wanted for murder

Steve: Yeah..

Frank: So what now?

Silence

Phil: Do you hear that?

Mercenary 5: Hear what?

Phil: That humming sound

The mercenaries look around before looking up at a giant blue portal

Mercenaries: ARRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nothing

Mercenaries: ........ARRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ocelot: See you guys in a matter of months!

Mercenaries: See ya later, Occy!

Ocelot: Don't call me that!

Frank: We should REALLY go back and start the story..we'll be here again, don't worry!

Dean: I don't wanna be a genome soldier!

Steve: You don't even know the story!

Phil: Shall we just go find out!

Dave: C'mon..may as well

Mercenaries stay still

Laughing Octopus: Well, go on!!

Mercenaries: Hang on..

They look around and give a peace sign with tongues out to the camera, followed by hipthrusts before jumping up. Screaming is heard as the portal disappears in mid-air.

Samoa Joe: They'll be back.

Laughing octopus: Indeed, well, see you guys later

Crying Wolf: Bye readers!

Screaming Mantis: Ciao!

Raging Raven: Stay safe!

John Cygan: We will see you all later!

The screen goes black, but the noise continues. We hear the sound of the merciless hissing of a raging blizzard, followed muffled screams and the sound of large things hitting the snow with a soft 'flump'

Frank: Where are we?

Dave: ...Shadow..Moses..Island...

Steve: Where it all began..

Phil: We should really get some decent clothes

Silence followed by muffled footsteps

British Accent: Why are you here?

Frank: We come...in peace!

British Accent: . . . Ahhhhhhhh!!! Well, welcome to Shadow Moses..lets get you out of those Middle Eastern clothes and get you some positions patrolling the base

Bob: TENTACLES!!!

British Accent: What's his problem?

Mercenary 18: We still haven't figured that one out yet

Phil: Can we just come in? We're fucking freezing!

British Accent: . . . As you wish, Genome Soldiers

Frank: Thank-- What did you call us?

British Accent: Nothing! Nothing! Call me..Liquid

Phil: Liquid Snake?

British Accent: How did you know?

Frank: We just do

British Accent: Then . . follow me

Suspense music as we hear footsteps leading off into the distance

Frank: Nice place ya got here..


THIS WAS:

Metal Gear Solid IV : The Parody Files!!!!

STARRING:
Mercenaries

Chuck Norris!
The Head Honcho - Frank!
Steve!
Dave!
Phil!
Steve!
Bob!
Dean!
Bill!
Billy!
Mercenary 3 aka Jim!
Mercenary 4 aka Jon!
Mercenary 5 aka Sal!
Mercenary 8 aka Vince!
Mercenary 11 aka John!
Mercenary 14 aka Brick!
Mercenary 15 aka Will!

Real Life Guys

RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE!
(Zack De La Rocha!
Tom Morello!
Brad Wilk!
Timmy C!)
Samoa Joe!
Kurt Angle!
Scott Steiner!
Jeff Jarrett!
AJ Styles!
Undertaker!
Batista!
George Bush!
Umaga!
Jeff Hardy!
Shawn Michaels!
That random group of fans!
Simon Cowell!
Vinnie Jones!
Random guys off the street!
That Hispanic Guy!
Chris Cornell!
Bryan Danielson!
Delirious!
Colt Cabana!
Homicide!
Hernandez!
Konnan!
Matt Hardy!
And the other random guys!

The Actual Characters

Solid Snake!
Liquid Ocelot!
Meryl!
Ed!
Jonny Sasaki!
Jonathon!
Sunny Gurlukovich!
Naomi Hunter!
Vamp!
Raiden!
Outer Haven Troops!

The Mechs

Gekkous!

The Beauty and the Beast Unit

Screaming Mantis!
Crying Wolf!
Laughing Octopus!
Raging Raven!

Special Guest Appearance

Solidus Snake / John Cygan!!