Metal Gear Mercenaries : The Blast In The Past - Chapter IV - The Bain Of The Pain

The scene opens in complete darkness. A small detachment of our mercenaries found themselves collapsing into a crevice, followed by nothingness. A dark void. The absence of light. Nothing cries out.

Except for several thuds of flesh on rock.

And a few whimpers. And a deafening crash.

Snake, and the mercenaries, find themselves in Chyornoya Peschera Cave Branch. Having just fought off Ocelot, they found themselves engulfed by swarms of hornets and were forced to dive into the chasm. Unfortunately, now they find themselves in a cold, dank cave, with nothing but eachother and the pungent scent of rotting moss to accompany them.

Frank [Groaning]: Sooooooooooooo…..

Lynch: Frank? That you?

Frank: Yup.

Lynch: Where?

Frank falls silent for a few moments. Lynch’s eyes strain, desperately trying to get used to the darkness.

Frank: Here.

Lynch feels a hand touch his forearm.

Lynch: I need some fucking vitamin C when we get back to base.

Frank: I know, it’s dark as shit.

Frank moves his hand away, taking a sidestep next to Lynch, who can now just about make out the scraggly beard and doe-like eyes of his second-in-command.

Lynch: Anyone else?

Phil’s Voice: I’m here.

Lynch Ah, you’re alive.

Phil: Thanks for sounding so glad.

Lynch: You’re alive, that’s all you need.

Phil: Well, all I need is--

Lynch: I swear to fuck if the next word out of your mouth is ‘love’, I will shove my hands into your eyes and rip your fucking skull apart.

Phil: You’re so kind, boss.

Lynch: I don’t tolerate stupidity, Nolastname. You should know that.

Phil: And no shit jokes?

Lynch: Especially not.

Phil: Makes sense.

Johnny: I’m here too, by the way. That was a nasty fall, eh?

Bill: Yeah…Same.

Lynch: Where’s the asset?

Snake: Here.

Phil: Lynch, where are you?

Snake: Where are WE?

Lynch: Caves.

Snake: …Can you be more specific?

Frank: Dark caves.

Phil stumbles into Lynch, who grasps his shoulders tightly and plants his feet firmly down.

Phil: There you are, boss!

Lynch: At ease, Nolastname.

Phil: I would be, but you’re gripping pretty hard.

A pair of footsteps echo throughout the cave, heading towards them.

Lynch: Who goes there?

Jon: Hullo.

Phil: Hey there, Jawnny.

Jon: It’s Jon to you, fucko.

Mustafa: Me too.

Lynch: Right, do we have any light?

Silence. Sound of uncomfortable ruffling.

Lynch [Sighing]: Right, let’s find a wall--

A soft thud echoes out to their left.

Jon: Ow.

Lynch: …Jon, stick to that wall. We’ll follow it. There’s bound to be a way out if we follow it.

Jon: What if it leads to a dead end?

Lynch: Then we turn around and go back.

Frank: What if we head back to a dead end?

Mustafa: I’ll break through it--

Lynch: Then I’ll fucking kill you all for food and survive until someone finds me. Now.. [Clasping a hand on Jon’s shoulder] Lead the way. Frank, grab my shoulder.

Frank clasps a hand on Lynch’s shoulder.

Lynch: Right, here’s how we’ll do this: Bill, grab Frank’s shoulder. Johnny, grab Bill’s shoulder. Phil, grab Johnny’s shoulder. Snake, grab Phil’s.

Bill grabs Frank’s shoulder, Johnny grabs Bill’s shoulder, Phil grabs Johnny’s shoulder, and Snake grabs Phil’s.

Lynch: Mustafa, bring up the rear.

Mustafa: Why?

Lynch: Because if anything makes the mistake of attacking you, you’ll crush their bones into powder.

Mustafa: Of course.

Mustafa clasps a hand on Snake’s left shoulder, almost making him buckle.

Phil: Lead the way.

Lynch: MUSH!

Jon: Fuck off.

Jon, nevertheless, leads the group forward..

***

Inch by inch, the group snakes through the cavern, scraping across the rough, gnarled rocky walls in a desperate attempt to escape. Small amounts of light highlight their features, just at the bare minimum to have a rough idea that they are least moving forward. As Jon curls around, following the wall slightly to the left in a more open area, he stops suddenly, forcing the group to halt. A foul gust of cold wind blows through the air, causing the mercenaries and Snake to shudder.

Jon [Quietly]: I sense a dark, forbidding presence in here.

Vince’s Voice: GUYS! IT’S ME!

Jon [Hysterically]: KILL IT! KILL IT!

Bill: I agree! Fuckin’ shoot it!

Jon forces himself away from the group and swings his arms around aimlessly, something which is followed by a resounding thud.

Lynch: Did you get him?

Jon [Quietly]: My nose!

Frank: Vince, what are you doing here?

Vince: I was patrolling and then I fell in. But the weird thing is that I fell in with Billy.

Lynch: Is he alive?

Vince: I haven’t heard from him in a couple of hours. I just heard footsteps walk away and never return. It’s what I imagine Jon’s father did.

Jon [Angrily]: Fuck you, my Dad’s back in the Middle East guarding a bar! OUR BAR!

Vince: And before that?

Jon [Darkly]: I will slit your throat and drink the blood.

Vince: Isn’t that how you flirted with your first wife?

Jon: No!!

Phil: Wait, you were married?!

Jon: Yes! I WAS! WAS being the key word here!

Frank: Hang on, you said first?

Jon: And?

Phil: Jon, how many times have you been married?

Jon: Gimme a break, it’s only been three times.

Bill [Incredulous]: THREE?!

Lynch: Jon, dude, you’ve got some game. It ain’t good, but it’s game.

The sound of more footsteps approaches them, stopping suddenly close to them. Looking to their right, they can make out the muscular form of Billy, standing before them and clutching an SVD sniper rifle. Billy quickly rushes forward, hugging Lynch.

Billy: Thank feck! This arsehole was getting on me nerves!

Vince: But we were team ravine!

Billy: SHUT UP!

Lynch [Patting Billy’s back]: Don’t worry, we’re here.

Billy [Pulling back]: It’s been real fuckin’ tedious, lemme tell yeh lads.

Vince: We had a D and D game going!

Billy [Angrily]: IT’S SHITE WI’ ONLY TWO OF US!!! AND YOU WERE ALWAYS A FECKIN’ BARD!!!

Lynch: Ladies, calm down…We just need to get going. Where next?

Billy: Oh aye, we’re moving?

Lynch: Yes, Billy. We have the asset. We’re moving.

Billy walks forward and directs the group, pointing them down the cave corridor and towards a large, open cave where sunlight is pouring in, illuminating a small lake with a makeshift rock island in the middle of it.

Billy: Fresh water. Ish.

Vince: I mean, it tastes nice. And we’ve got to bathe in it, too.

Phil: Lucky bastards.

Lynch: Just…lead the way out. I’ve had enough of this cave.

Billy: On me, then!

Billy leads the group forward..

***

…And stands in front of the pool, looking up at the large hole in the ceiling of the cave letting in the watery morning sunlight.

Bill: Pretty.

Lynch [Impatiently]: Where now?!

Billy: Oh, this is it. I have no idea what lies beyond.

Lynch: Did you not bother exploring?!

Billy [Laughing]: Fuck that shite!

Vince: I’ll do it!

Vince slowly trudges forward and into the daylight…revealing that he is completely clad in the ghillie suit that he originally stepped through the wormhole in. Somewhat worryingly, the suit appears to be now afflicted with patches of actual moss and mould.

Lynch: Why the fuck are you still wearing that?!

Vince: Supreme camouflage!

Jon [Angrily]: WE’RE NOT IN THE JUNGLE NOW! WE’RE IN CAVES, YOU FUCKING INBRED MAGGOT!!

Vince [Angrily]: IT’S FUCKING CAVE MOSS!!!

Jon [Angrily]: YOU LOOK LIKE FUCKING SWAMP THING!!! YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ANYBODY!!!

Vince turns around, blowing a raspberry and holding up two middle fingers before flopping back-first into the water. Jon angrily stomps forward, but Frank holds out an arm.

Frank: Chill. Let him find a way. Or drown.

Jon: We can but fucking hope.

Mustafa: I CAN take care of him for you, boss.

Lynch: You could, but the court martial is a ton of boring fucking paperwork.

Bill: You’ve got no witnesses!

From behind the mercenaries, more wet footsteps echo. They turn around, watching as Steve and Ivan approach the group.

Jericho: There you are, lads! What happened? We all fell at the same time!

Ivan: Vell, I have claustrophobia. BAD claustrophobia. So, we hit the floor and I van. Very fucking far.

Steve: I followed to make sure he was safe. Eventually, we found this tunnel which had light. He still ran.

Ivan: Then ve van into Billy and Vince!

Steve: And he kept running.

Ivan [Reaching around his back and revealing a sawn-off barrelled pump action shotgun]: But I vound zis.

Steve: A shotgun, just abandoned in the caves! Amazing, eh?

Ivan: Ithaca Virty-Seven. Sawn-off. Four rounds of death.

Johnny: And you..just found it in a cave?

Ivan: Da—I mean, yes.

Johnny: And it still fires?

Ivan points it at Johnny.

Ivan: I believe so.

Johnny: Be nice.

Ivan: This is me being nice.

Lynch: Ready for a boss fight?

Several hornets rapidly buzz in front of them. Above them, near the opening, a swarm of them violently buzzes around.

Frank: Because here it comes, apparently..

Johnny [Sighing]: Not again..

Vince suddenly stands up in front of them, climbing out of the water and shaking himself dry.

Lynch: You alright, Vince?

Vince: I’ll be honest, Lynch: No. No I am not.

Vince pulls his hood back, revealing his wildly-unkempt, bearded face, and points to a hornet stuck in the tip of his nose. Lynch reaches forward, grasping the hornet and prying it free of Vince’s nose before crushing it between his thumb and forefinger.

Jericho: Can’t say I want to fight a guy who controls hornets.

Lynch: Neither do I. I despise hornets.

Bill: Then why are we?

Lynch: Because if we stay here, nobody’s gonna kill The Pain. What? Do you think time will run out and he’ll just drop dead?

Vince: If the guy’s body is a hornet’s nest, like a literal nest, I can’t imagine he’d last too long.

Phil: I know, right? Surely the hornets must be just fucking shredding him!

Snake: I find it hard to believe he is an actual living hornet’s nest.

The huge swarm of hornets descends onto the makeshift island.

The Pain: I’VE CAUGHT YOU AT LAST!! WE ARE THE SONS OF THE BOSS!!

In practically a flash, the hulking form of the Pain, clad in his distinctive balaclava and yellow-black striped camouflage, stands tall.

Lynch: Oh, fuck YOU.

Phil [Looking to the sky, pointing]: So, what is it this time? Nanomachines? Drugs? Nanomachine drugs?

Snake: Who are you talking to?

Jericho: Hideo Kojima, and boy he has a lot of explaining to do.

The Pain: I AM THE PAIN!!!

The Pain does a backflip, followed by several karate kicks and sweeps as the mercenaries stand at the edge of the water, bewildered.

Jon: Why? Every time, why?

The Pain [Dramatically]: I will guide you to a world of anguish beyond your imagination!

The Pain backflips before extending his arms, the hornets forming makeshift gauntlets around his forearm.

Snake: He’s actually a living hornets nest.

Steve: That he is. Guys? Open fire.

Mustafa: Finally, somebody’s talkin’ sense!

Every mercenary raises their assault rifle. Mustafa raises his machinegun. Snake raises his pistol. They all fire a hail of bullets towards the Pain. A few hit him, but the rest bounce off with the sound of metal. When the smoke clears, the Pain is now surrounded entirely by the hornets.

Mustafa [Slowly lowering his machinegun]: Are you fucking kidding me? Did anybody hear those fucking deflection sounds?! Like we were hitting metal?!

Brick: Fella’s….this is some fucked up shit.

Jon: Right, fuck it.

Jon dives into the water, swimming forward and towards a large rock jutting out of the water, opposite the Pain’s makeshift island. Jon surfaces, pulling a grenade from his belt and pulling the pin, tossing it towards the Pain. It..doesn’t explode.

The Mercenaries [In unison]:  A DUD?!?!

Lynch dives into the water, swimming forward and climbing up next to Jon, priming and throwing his own grenade. That, too, doesn’t explode.

Lynch: Fucking fuck.

Snake dives into the water, climbing onto the rock between Lynch and Jon. Ivan, Phil, Jericho and Steve dive into the water themselves, surfacing and climbing onto a rock to the upper-right of the island the Pain is currently on, giving them two directions in which to attack. Mustafa, Johnny, Brick, Billy, Bill and Vince stand in the entranceway to the cave, ready to lay down suppressing fire if necessary.

Steve: Right, what’s the plan?

Phil: We have a plan?

Ivan: Boom. Zat’s the plan.

Ivan reaches into his demolition satchel, pulling out a stick of dynamite. Vince dives into the water, swimming forward and surfacing close to the island the Pain is standing on, climbing up onto it.

Vince: Ivan! I’ll be the distraction for his hornets!

Frank: Uh, Vince? You know what that means, right?

Vince [Saluting]: I’M GOING TO DO YOU ALL PROU---OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!

Vince screams, the hornets swarming him as he falls to the ground, rolling to the left and into the water. This at least allows the mercenaries to open fire and Ivan to lob a lit stick of dynamite at the Pain.

Brick [Calling out]: VINNIE!!! YOU OKAY?!?!?

Johnny: …Well, he DID do his job.

Billy fires off a sniper shot as the dynamite explodes, causing the Pain to reel backwards in pain.

The Pain: The Paaaaiiiinnn….THE PAAAAIIIIINNNNNN!!!

Billy: Aye, I should feckin’ hope it does!!!

The Pain rips off his mask, revealing that his entire face is disfigured by bulbous hornet stings.

Lynch [Wincing]: JESUS, PUT IT BACK ON!!

The Pain reels backwards, but spits out three hornets which make bizarre plane sounds as they fly around him.

Jon [In panic]: OH WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE THINGS?!

Phil [Pointing at the hornets, dramatically]: BULLET HORNETS! THEY’RE LIKE BULLET ANTS EXCEPT NOT FUCKING REAL!

The Pain’s bullet hornets zoom around the cave and several mercenaries dive into the water aside from Lynch, Phil, Jon and Jericho. Lynch reels backwards, hit by a hornet now embedded in his right pectoral.

Lynch [Pulling the hornet from his chest]: Y’know, Nolastname, it certainly feels real and that’s what matters.

Phil [Pointing between his eyes at the bullet hornet lodged into his skin]: Way ahead of ya, boss.

Lynch grabs the hornet from Phil’s face, pulling it out and crushing it in his right hand.

Brick [Surfacing and spitting out water]: Dadgummit, what we gon’ do?!

Jericho: Succumb to the pain?..........Metaphorically?

Lynch: Here’s my idea.

Lynch swiftly draws his M16, firing several rounds towards the Pain. The hornets shield simply deflects the bullets away.

Snake: That was the plan?

Lynch [Lowering his rifle]: Damn. Need more gun.

Ivan [Climbing onto the rock opposite them]: I have more gun.

Ivan, holding the shotgun at his waist, fires off all four rounds. The hornet shield holds steady for two rounds, but the third blows a clear hole into the organic shield, with the fourth just barely scraping The Pain. Ivan slowly nods to himself, moving the shotgun into his left hand.

Lynch: Well?!

Ivan: Vell…vhat?

Lynch: Reload! Shoot his ass!

Ivan [Tersely]: I vound it on ze cave floor, Lynch! It only came vith ze fucking ammo it has in it!!

Lynch [Throwing up his arms]: Yeah, no. No, I don’t know why I expected differently.

The Pain [Cackling]: IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE?!?!?

The Pain is suddenly hit in the face violently by the thrown shotgun, causing him to stumble backwards, clutching his head in pain.

The Pain [In pain]: THE PAIN!!! THE PAAAAIIIINNNN!!

Ivan [Narrowed eyes, nodding]: Da. The fucking pain.

The Pain stands up straight, angrily bulging his cheeks and spitting off more several bullet hornets, causing the mercenaries to dive to the floor and into the water. Except for Jon, who looks around before looking down at a hornet embedded into his left pectoral.

Jon: Y’know, that actually hurts.

A second bullet hornet lodges itself into Jon’s upper right pectoral. Jon looks down at it.

Jericho [Surfacing]: Bet you’re glad to have nanomachines now, eh?

Jon: Yes, quite so.

A third bullet hornet shoots forward, lodging itself into Jon’s collarbone. Jon looks up at The Pain angrily.

Jon [Angrily]: WILL YOU FUCKING STOP?! I GET THE FUCKING MESSAGE!!!

The Pain: NEVER!!

Jon [Angrily]: I’LL KICK YOUR ASS!!

Lynch: Jon, you’re not kicking anything, the hornets are just going to stop you.

Jon: THEN HOW DO WE KILL THIS GUY, HUH?!?!? FIRE?!?!?

The mercenaries fall silent.

Jericho: We did burn back the hornets using makeshift flamethrowers..

Phil: But we ran out of fuel!

Jon: Well, we’re fucked then.

Brick: IF ONLY WE HAD A MIRACLE!!!

Lynch closes his eyes, rubbing his temples with his middle fingers. Almost as if on cue, a metallic stomping echoes throughout the cavernous cave. Even the Pain stops, the buzzing of his hornets ceasing.

Lynch [Sighing]: Ah, yep, right on cue..

To the north-east of the cave, the stomping sound grows louder. A shield of hornets, buzzing in front of an entrance to prevent passage, are suddenly incinerated by a swift burst of white-hot flame which illuminates the entire cave. The Pain twists around.

The Pain: THE PAAAAIIIINNNNN!!!!

Lynch: Well, it IS Halloween.

Brick: DADGUM…IT’S…IT’S HIM!!!

The stomping silences as a hulking figure stands in the cave passageway. Clad in solid steel plates comprising a boxy armor, the body of the armor inexplicably painted yellow and the boxy helmet with a welding mask over it inexplicably painted a bright green, the Man In The Banana Suit returns once more. He reaches behind him, adjusting the valves on the bright green fuel tank while gripping the yellow nozzle.

Johnny [In disbelief]: WHO THE FUCK OR WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?!?!

Brick: THE MAN IN THE BANANA SUIT!!!!!!!! An immortal time traveller armed with nothing but a flamethrower and a deep hatred of the Union, as well as a love of potassium-rich fruits!!

Phil: So…he’s a Reb?

The Man In The Banana Suit: I DONE LIVE BY THE FLAMETHROWER!!!

Phil [Nodding]: Reb.

The Man In The Banana Suit [Pointing at the Pain]: YOU GON’ DIE, BUZZ MAN!!!

Lynch: Where? Where does he even come from? WHY is he even here? Who summons him?

Every head turns to Brick, who shrugs.

Brick: Dadgum, boys, I don’t got no clue where he comes from, he just kinda appears…

The Man In The Banana Suit stands in front of them, turning the valves on his fuel tank as the Pain shoots several bullet hornets towards him. The hornets ping audibly off of the steel armor as the Man In The Banana Suit, holding his flamethrower at his waist, takes a single step forward.

The Man In The Banana Suit: REMEMBER PICKETT’S CHARGE!!!

The Man In The Banana Suit lets out a bloodcurdling, howling, ululating rebel yell, firing the flamethrower at the Pain. A stream of white-hot fire rolls from the nozzle of the flamethrower and the Man In The Banana Suit sweeps it slightly, ensuring that the Pain and his hornets are bathed in the seering flames. The flames slowly die down, revealing the scorched body of the Pain, the hornet stings now accompanied by burned, blistering flesh.

The Pain [Wheezing]: The pain….THE PAIN!!!

The Man In The Banana Suit [Hollering]: Y’ALL FEEL IT LIKE GEORGIA FELT IT!!!

The Pain grips the joint of his right arm before slowly collapsing backwards.

And exploding.

A small explosion echoes throughout the cave, blowing smoke, flesh and hornets into the air. Where The Pain once stood, now stands nothing but a slow plume of smoke ascending into the sky above.

Frank: Well, that just happen--

A chunk of charred flesh hits Frank in the cheek. He blinks, wiping it away.

Frank: …Well, that just happened.

Snake: It certainly did.

Hornets slowly rain down from the sky, dropping into the water. From the cave hallway, the Man In The Banana Suit turns around.

Man In The Banana Suit [Screaming]: THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN!!!

The Man In The Banana Suit stomps through the cave, his booming footsteps slowly going silent as he disappears from sight and earshot.

Frank: Huh. I wonder who he is.

Brick: Death in metal…

Lynch: Well, men….that happened.

Phil: Indeed it did.

Vince [Surfacing]: Are the hornets dead?

Lynch: Jesus, Vince, how did you survive down there that long?

Vince: Well, Lynch, intense pain from hornet stings make you forget your fear of drowning.

Billy: It made yeh forget actually drowning?

Vince: ….Yes.

The mercenaries and Snake fall silent.

Mustafa: We’ve just fought a guy who was a literal hornets nest. I’ll believe it.

Bill: Yep, same here.

Lynch: ….Let’s just get moving.

Lynch dives into the water, swimming towards the cave tunnel the Man in the Banana Suit was standing in and climbing onto dry land, walking forward as the mercenaries and Snake follow suit…

***

The mercenaries, and Snake, have since exited the cave, following a snaking, craggy path through the caves and down, and into the blinding sunlight of Ponizovje South. Straight ahead of them, the watery orange light of the sunset peers through a row of trees, their canopies full and providing a natural archway across the shallow river through which they must now wade. Overcome with a sense of duty, and damp socks clinging to their feet inside soggy boots, the mercenaries and Snake march forward, with Lynch taking point.

Bill: Why are we doing this again?

Lynch [Tiredly]: To stop the world from going to shit.

Bill: Do we have to get our feet soggy though?

Lynch [Tiredly]: Yes.

Bill: My feet hurt!

Mustafa: Bill.

Bill: Don’t give me no ‘Bill’ shit! My feet hurt!

Billy: I’m about to shoot yeh, Bill.

Lynch: Searchlights.

Ivan and Jericho grab Snake’s shoulders, forcing him down below the water as they continue to march on. Though somewhat suspect of them, the searchlights of the UAV’s lingering on them, they don’t sound an alarm as Snake slowly swims alongside them. Passing the searchlight, he swiftly gets to his feet.

Snake: Why did you do that?!

Ivan: To stop you from being caught.

Steve: Last thing we need is an entire army fighting us.

Bill: I bet we could take ‘em.

Lynch [Chuckling]: That’s a lot of confidence, Bill. Or delusions.

Vince: Or both!

Bill: Shut up, Chewie.

Snake: We could have a chance. You’ve all done well so far.

Frank: Luck, mostly.

Phil: Ah, shut up: It’s skill. It’s skill from armed forces veterans who got dishonourably discharged, sure, but it’s still actual goddamn skill at the end of the day.

Lynch: Damn, Nolastname, that was almost inspiring.

The mercenaries follow a bend to the left, and emerge into a more open area with a large warehouse looming in front of them, almost embedded into the rock, with a set of two concrete docks extending outwards. Lynch, holds his left arm out, palm downwards, and slowly lowers his arm. The mercenaries and Snake slowly get to one knee as they all pull out their binoculars. On the left-side of the docks, a Russian soldier is jostling with Sokolov, grasping his arms and forcing him backwards.

Sokolov: Get your hands off me! I’m not going anywhere!

To his right, Volgin and the clearly-disguised EVA, now wearing glasses and what can best be described as a fetish-style army uniform with a khaki skirt that rises up to her upper thigh, black stockings and calf-high leather boots.

Volgin: Really now, how many times must I tell you?

Volgin places his hand on EVA’s right shoulder, sending a massive electric jolt through her. EVA screams, falling to the floor and rolling forward down concrete steps towards Sokolov.

Sokolov [Desperately]: Tanya!

The soldier forces Sokolov back as he jolts forward, and Volgin slowly walks down the concrete steps.

Volgin: Each time you resist, your lover will suffer the consequences. Is that clear?

Sokolov [Angrily]: Volgin..!!

Sokolov jolts forward, raising his left arm. The soldier, assault rifle held in front of him, pushes Sokolov back once more before pointing at him.

Upbeat, Half-English Accent, Half-American Accent Voice: I wouldn’t do that!

Lynch: That voice sounds familiar.

The familiar soldier aims his assault rifle at Sokolov, forcing him to raise his hands.

Sokolov [Bitterly]: Damn you!

With a smirk, Volgin walks forward and leans down, clasping a hand on the back of EVA’s neck and hoisting her effortlessly into the air. He places his hand over her left breast, appearing to grope it, before simply pushing his palm forward and sending another electric shock jolting through her body. The shock seemingly evaporates the sweat off of her body, causing steam to rise and her stockings to rip. Volgin drops her and she falls onto her hands and knees, gasping as her glasses fall to the floor. She quickly grasps them as the soldier shoves Sokolov towards the warehouse. A jingling of spurs suddenly echoes.

Ocelot: Hold it right there, traitor.

The soldier grasps the back of Sokolov’s leather coat, twisting him around and shoving him towards Ocelot who flips his revolver behind his back, catching it effortlessly and pointing it between Sokolov’s eyes. Sokolov edges to the left, followed by Ocelot’s revolver all the way, before Ocelot spins the revolver upwards, holding a bullet out in his right hand.

Ocelot: Let’s see how lucky you really are.

Ocelot slips the bullet into the revolver, spinning the chamber into position. He twirls his revolver a few more times before pulling out the revolver on his waist, then the revolver holstered on his back, now holding two in his right hand and one in his left.

Vince: Shit, he’s gonna shoot Sokolov three times!

Lynch [Sighing]: Nah, he’s just being a dramatic slut. Watch.

Ocelot: One of those three guns has a single bullet in it. I’m going to pull the trigger six times in a row. Are you ready?

Ocelot starts to juggle the guns. Intermittently, he pulls the trigger and continues juggling in impressive, fluid motions. With each pull of a trigger, Sokolov yelps, stumbling back. After five, Sokolov stumbles back, his hands shaking as he slides down a set of wooden boxes and onto the floor, urinating himself.

Ocelot: Looks like your luck hasn’t run out yet..

Sokolov hangs his head in embarrassment. Ocelot juggles one of the guns high into the air, but it’s caught by another figure, who turns and fires it into the water. That figure, of course, is the Boss, clad in her black poncho.

The Boss [Coldly, to Ocelot]: There’s no such thing as luck on the battlefield.

Volgin throws his head back and laughs before looking at the guard, nodding towards the warehouse. The guard drags Sokolov to his feet, who reluctantly drags his feet.

Familiar Soldier: Seriously, cut the shit!

The soldier pushes Sokolov towards the warehouse, aiming his AK-47 at him and forcing him to march into the warehouse.

The Boss [To Ocelot]: You’d better stay in line from now on. The Cobras will take care of him.

The Boss holds the revolver she caught in both hands, jolting slightly before shoving it back to Ocelot who takes it, revealing that she effortlessly separated the chamber and frame. Ocelot gasps angrily, narrowing his eyes and shaking his head before walking into the warehouse.

Volgin [Turning to the Boss]: Has the CIA dog been disposed of yet?

The Boss: …The Pain is dead.

Volgin [Angrily, through gritted teeth]: WHAT?!?!

Volgin slams the side of his fist into the wall before turning it, throwing his left fist forward with such force it cracks into the concrete before throwing a right punch so furious it embeds itself in the concrete up to his forearm. Vince whimpers.

Lynch: Shut up, Vince.

Volgin [Coldly]: He may be a child, but he’s definitely one of yours! [Pulling his fist from the wall, calmly]…I fear Khrushchev may have a hand in this. We have no time to lose. You must eliminate him before the final test.

The Boss: Don’t worry. They’ll be able to handle it.

Out of the warehouse, a wheelchair rolls forward…by itself. Sat in it is an old man, heavily liver-spotted and bald with a thick white beard, covered in a mossy ghillie suit without the hood.

Lynch: Who’s the old fuck in the wheelchair?

Snake: The End.

Lynch: Fuck, that’s ominous.

Vince: Yeah, is he like Thanos? One snap and half of us turn to dust. “I don’t feel good Mr Stark, it’s getting fucking dark!”?

Snake: What?

Jon: I mean, that IS ominous.

Steve: Look at him, though: Old. Decrepit. Maybe he’s called The End because he signifies the end. Of life. Or something. I don’t know, these people have weird symbolism attached to their monikers.

Billy: He’s a feckin’ old cunt. What is there more to say?

The Boss [Stepping in front of the wheelchair]: I’m leaving him to you….The Fear.

Behind the wheelchair, optic camouflage suddenly dissipates as The Fear, a thin and gangly middle-aged male with piercing red eyes, leaps inhumanly far into the air, running across the water and leaping to the left, darting across rocks.

Lynch: Jesus Christ, we’re facing the merry band of freaks..

Mustafa: Are you surprised?

Lynch: No…No. Just sickened.

Volgin stands in front of the End, who is snoring loudly.

Volgin: The old man is always sleeping. Is he alright?

The Boss: The End is saving what life he has left in him for battle. Normally, he’s dead..but he’ll wake up when the time’s right.

Vince: How does that even work?!

Phil: Dude, we just faced a guy who was a living hornets nest. I ain’t questioning shit right now.

A lightning bolt scars the sky ominously. Volgin looks at the sky, as does The Boss.

The Boss: …And when he does,…it will be the end for the boy.

Billy [Loudly]: LAAAAAAAAME.

Rain starts to pour down rapidly as Volgin approaches EVA/Tanya.

Volgin: Sokolov isn’t worth your love. You can entertain me until the rain stops.

Volgin walks into the warehouse, chanting Kuwabara, Kuwabara. EVA, clutching her chest, rises to her feet and follows reluctantly.

The Boss [Looking around, arms held out]: The Sorrow, is that you?

The Boss, nevertheless, turns around and walks into the warehouse, past two guards who walk out, one of whom grasps The End’s wheelchair and turns him around, wheeling him into the warehouse. Lynch gets to his feet, walking forward.

Snake: What are you doing?

Lynch [Pointing forward]: I know that guy.

Mustafa [Raising his machinegun]: Want me to blast him?

Lynch: No, Mustafa, it’s Sal. I’m certain.

Mustafa: ….The offer still stands, boss.

Billy [Raising his Dragunov]: Aye, I’ll do it.

Lynch: For the last time, the fucking court martials are tiring paperwork!

Lynch and the mercenaries wade forward into the water, swimming towards the docks and climbing up onto them. The sole remaining guard spins on his heels, facing them without raising his rifle. Lynch marches forward and the guard swiftly takes off his ski mask to reveal a shaved head and the light Polynesian skin of Sal Memeh-Porpington, the half Hawaiian, half British member of obscure nobility. Sal nods at them, slowly walking forward as they climb out of the water and onto the concrete dock.

Sal: Hey, it’s……Vince.

Vince: Sal.

Sal [Raising his AK-47]: Do I just shoot you now, bard boy?!

Johnny: Woah, calm down, Sal!

Sal [Angrily]: I WANTED TO BE THE BARD, YOU BEARDED PLEB FUCK!!!

Mustafa: Are we…seriously doing this right now?

Jericho [Climbing out of the water]: What’s going on? We fightin’?

Lynch: Sal, lower the gun.

Vince: I’m the best Bard!

Sal [Angrily, jamming his gun forward]: I’ll fucking kill you!!

Billy [Angrily]: SAL! WE HAVE A FECKIN’ MISSION TO COMPLETE, YA BAWBAG!!

Sal [Turning his gun to Billy]: I’M INSANE, I’LL KILL YOU ALL!!

Mustafa stomps forward, slapping Sal sharply across his right cheek. Sal recoils, lowering his rifle and nodding before breathing out and looking up at Mustafa.

Sal [Nodding thankfully]: Thanks, Mustafa..

Mustafa slaps Sal across his left cheek, causing him to reel back again.

Sal [Favouring his cheek]: Fucking OUCH!

Mustafa: I had to make sure.

Snake [Stepping forward]: Where’s Sokolov?

Sal [Laughing and shrugging]: Fucked if I know, they were taking him towards Graniny Gorki last I saw!

Lynch: When?

Sal: Literally thirty seconds ago. Were you paying attention?

Brick: You saw us?!

Sal: Brick, you pudgy motherfucker, I can barely miss you! Not you or that yeti!

Phil: Hey! Leave me out of this, I’m on your side!

Sal: I’M ON NOBOD--

Mustafa raises his eyebrows and his right hand, palm opened threateningly. Sal clears his throat, adopting a forced smile and looking at Lynch, then at Snake.

Sal: Just follow me, boss. I’ll show you the warehouse.

Lynch: Lead the way.

Sal leads the group into the warehouse..

***

Ponizovje Warehouse.

Sal leads the group through an L-shaped corridor, up a set of concrete steps and through a small red metal doorway into the warehouse itself. Lit a sickly shade of orange, the mercenaries march through the doorway. Sal leads Vince left, leading him down a set of concrete steps.

Lynch [Walking down the steps]: Anybody else here?

Sal: Just one.

At the bottom of the steps, a soldier stands beside them and takes off his ski mask, revealing a young, shaven-faced recruit with a mop of blonde hair.

Lynch: Ah, it’s Tim.

Tim [Snapping his heels together and saluting]: Lynch.

Lynch [Returning the salute]: At ease, Tim. Status report?

Snake: Sokolov?

Tim: Sokolov? No idea where they’re taking him. Last I saw they were taking him up towards Graniny Grad, which is a large laboratory to the North through the forest. It's where they're working on--

Snake: Then that’s where we’re heading.

Tim: But we need disguises!

Frank: Why?

Sal: Cause they ain’t just gonna let a bunch of soldiers roll up! Volgin’s really strict about that shit, and I ain’t pissin’ off a dude who can summon lightning!

Tim [Ignoring them]: Look, we need to disguise ourselves as scientists because it's a laboratory--

Phil: So, lemme get this straight…Volgin won’t allow mercenaries to roll up, but scientists are fair game?

Tim: Yes, he likes scientists. And, y'know, it IS a laboratory.

Steve: He…likes scientists?

Tim: The same way I like Johnny. Except in a less consensual manner.

Brick: .,….Well. Damn.

Phil: So, basically, avoid getting shot but the run the risk of some forcey fun-time?

Tim: …What the hell is that?

Phil: What?

Tim: Forcey fun-time?

Steve: When an incel wants a woman--

Johnny: Let’s…..Let’s not go there.

Tim: Look, just follow me you weirdos. There’s a stash of them in the food room on the second level.

Frank: Why?

Sal: Cause we stashed them there!

Frank [Cautiously]: …..Why?

Sal: …..Cause they came in on a truck and we ransacked it.

Bill: Yep, you can take the boy out of Beale Street..

Steve: It’s almost like you can see how we became mercenaries and why no armed force would have us.

Jericho: Yeah, cause we kick too much ass!

Tim [Walking across the floor, between boxes]: Whatever, just follow me.

Brick: Dadgum, nobody said anything ‘bout no stairs..

Vince: You could use it!

Brick: So could you!

Leading the mercenaries up to the second level of the warehouse via a set of concrete flat-turn stairs that extend high above them, Tim turns left and pushes open a metal door to a room stacked with a variety of crates and sacks of dried food. Most importantly, folded on the floor are several scientist uniforms.

Tim [Motioning to the mercenaries]: Grab your sizes!

Mustafa: Do they even have a Four-X?

Tim: Maybe. But more of an “I eat pocky and don’t move” Four-X, not a “I once benchpressed the Large Hadron Collider” Four-X.

Mustafa [Reaching down and grabbing a labcoat that is almost as large as a tarp]: …I’ll take it.

Brick: No shirts?

Tim: Just put the labcoats on, fasten them and it’ll at least get us through the front doors of the laboratory. After that, there will undoubtedly swift and blinding violence.

Lynch: Graniny Grad’s guarded?

Tim: Attack dogs, searchlights, armed guards…and I don’t think many of our lot are there.

Johnny: Why?

Tim: Because it's a laboratory. With scientists. Y'know, smart people.

Johnny: Ah, touche!

Lynch: Sounds fun.

Sal: It’s fucking dangerous!

Lynch [Pulling on his labcoat]: Look, we get in there with these coats, go in, punch some fuckers out, grab Sokolov and head home. Simple, right?

Snake [Taking his labcoat]: I doubt it.

Sal: Nobody asked you, killjoy.

Phil [Pulling on his labcoat]: I feel like a fuckin’ dork.

Jon: Well, that’s apt, cause--

Phil [Tiredly]: Jon, just be fucking nice for once, you bitter little troll.

Vince: Seriously, don’t you EVER get tired of being a hate-filled bitter little man?

Jon [Taken aback]: Excuse me, I fucking enjoy every second of it, you shits!

Steve [Pulling on his labcoat]: You’re the only one.

Jon: Do I look like someone who cares?!

Johnny: Yeah, I can see why you’ve had so many wives now.

Jon [Pointing at Johnny]: You’re on thin ice, mister.

Lynch [Walking out of the room, aside to Tim]: So, this base is a short walk North, right?

Tim [Pointing up]: Yep. Up on the third floor, left at the stairs, turn right and head out of the metal doors, and you’re into Graniny Gorki Laboratory. It’s a five, maybe ten minute walk, but it’s easy to get lost.

Lynch: Huh, really?

Sal [Walking out]: Yeah, I got lost in it.

Lynch: Then lead the way, Tim!

Tim nods, walking up the stairs and leading Lynch up as Sal stands there.

Sal [Taken aback]: HEY! THAT WAS AN INSULT, WASN’T IT?!

***

Graniny Gorki South. The mercenaries trudge through the dark forest, leaf matter and twigs crunching beneath their feet. Their destination: A dull glow slightly over high, craggy rocks to the North, a sign of the Graniny Gorki Laboratory. If Sokolov was taken anywhere, it would likely be at there. Lynch has taken point, followed by his loyal company of mercenaries. The only point of light, aside from the dull glow, is the watery moonlight shining down and dotting through the canopy of leaves above them.

Vince [Looking around]: Spoopy.

Lynch: Eyes open, men.

Sal: Well, we wouldn’t walk around with them closed.

Frank: ….Okay, let’s face it, some of us would.

Bill: Some of us already do.

Lynch: ..Was that a joke, or was that you trying to be deep?

Bill: A little bit from column A, a little bit from column B.

Sal: Bill, don’t try being deep. Just…stick to guns.

Bill: Now that’s what I like to hear!....Fuck it’s dark.

Snake: Graniny Grad should be up ahead, right?

Tim: Yep, just up this little step here and we’re done.

Lynch stops in front of a rocky outcropping, grasping it with his left hand to stabilise himself as he steps up.

Lynch [Climbing up]: Hup-we-go! Come on, men! Who wants to live forever!

Phil: Not me, it’d be fucking boring.

Jericho: Like Courtney?

Phil: Fuck me, that’s a name I ain’t heard in a while. Nah, like Emilie.

Jericho: …It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

Lynch: Stop chattering and get your asses up here!

Tim climbs up, followed by Johnny as the mercenaries gather around it, pulling themselves up.

Ivan: Vell, I vonder vat avaits us here..

Steve [Looking ahead]: Whatever it is, it’s probably not a good thing.

Frank: Y’know, I sense another dark, forbidding presence.

Vince: Look, I don’t appreciate being made fun of—

Frank: Not you! Something else..

Tim: Well, I guess we’ll see, huh?

Once Snake and the mercenaries have climbed up, Lynch takes point, leading the group through a short pass and out into an open area: The Laboratory base unfolds in front of them. From left to right, a tall barbed-wire fence impedes all access to the concrete behemoth, with the exception of a set of four large steel gates, in two pairs, slightly to their left. Two spotlights from the roof of the base shine down on this access point, and a Doberman Pinscher warily wanders to the left, following a patrolling guard around a corner.

Snake: What now?

Tim: These disguises are foolproof! We just go in and ask to see Sokolov!

Frank: That’s not foolproof..

Sal: And nobody’s gonna believe Mustafa’s a scientist. Dude looks like he benchpresses dark matter.

Mustafa: Hey, scientists can be of any size, any race, any gender and any sexuality. Now shut up or I’ll give you a PhD.

Sal: Pound Head Down?

Mustafa: You’re damn right.

Lynch: Look, just follow my lead.

Lynch leads Snake and the mercenaries up the gate…..and Lynch bangs on the right-hand gate with a balled fist, causing it to shake noisily.

Snake: What are you doing?

Jericho: He’s knocking.

Snake: Isn’t that suspicious?

Jericho [Scoffing]: Please, what else are we gonna do? Army crawl under the barbed wire and sneak in?

Snake: Well….yeah.

Bill: pfft, fuck that!

Lynch: Yo, let us in! We’re science guys!

Tim [Aside]: Science guys? Really?! They’re gonna see through these disguises!!—BRICK!!

Brick: What?

Tim: Did you tear off your fucking labcoat sleeves?!

Brick stands there, looking down at his arms to reveal that he did, in fact, remove the sleeves from his labcoat and workshirt, leaving nothing but his pale, flabby arms.

Brick: I need my body to breathe!

Billy: Your body’s fucking hyperventilating…

Brick: What’d you say?!

A guard slowly walks over to their right. Heavily muscular and tall, the guard cuts an imposing figure as he turns left, standing in front of the gate. Cold blue eyes gaze at Lynch, but soften when they see him.

Lynch: Yo, buddy, we’re doing science shit. Let us in.

Guard [With a familiar, French-lilted voice]: Ah, but you are not..

Sal: We are! We have coats and everything!

Tim: Yeah! Honest!

Guard: You stole zem..

Frank: Excuse me, but we plead the Fifth!

Guard: Zis is Russia…

Phil: ….We plead the Fifth!

Mustafa: Just let us in.

Guard [Sighing]: Okay, let me just get this..

The figure grasps their ski mask, whipping it off to reveal a shaven head and rugged face with sharp cheekbones and stubble. The familiar face grins at them.

Fabien [Ecstatically]: BONJOUR!!! WELCOME TO ZE BASE, MOI LEGION!!!!

Lynch [Tiredly]: Hello, Fabien..

NEXT TIME

It’s time for stealth! Or some approximation of it. The mercenaries infiltrate Graniny Grad, pool their resources and try to rescue Sokolov from wherever the fuck he is! There’s a Metal Gear in here somewhere too! And stuff!

Tune in next time to see The Fear, The End and the end of the Fear! And the end of the End! Or is that too much in terms of spoilers?...